MARLBOROSPOTTING, Leith Central Station, Thursday (NTN) — The Scottish Parliament has passed tough new tobacco laws that will make Scotland a world leader in smoking as forbidden pleasurable temptation.
Retailers hailed the move as adding a fabulously marketable mystique around smoking. “I can’t think of a better way of making tobacco the hip thing with the young people,” said Glasgow newsagent Fiona Barrett, “thinking they’re immortal and so really enjoying their invigorating daily — I mean, hourly — taste of death. We’ll put up signs saying ‘PRODUCTS FOR SALE* *wording changed to comply with the Tobacco and Primary Medical Services (Scotland) Bill 2010’ and they’ll have to ask for them specially. And show identification. I’m thinking of wearing a trenchcoat inside the shop to sell them from, and I can speak to the user — I mean, customer — hissing out the side of my mouth. We can sell the really shit ones for more money, too.
“Also, they’ll hopefully drive the price up, meaning more profit from our dear, dear hopelessly addicted customers. Inelastic demand is great stuff — microeconomics, do you speak it?”
“Holyrood has recognised the importance of protecting Scotland’s children against the dangers of smoking,” said Marjory Burns, director of British Heart Foundation Scotland. “Now the kids can take up healthier pursuits like Buckfast and heroin.”