HOT HOT HOT, Slice the Salami, Wednesday (NTN) — Pizza Express will train customer service staff in charm, small talk, flirting and the secret arts of workplace seduction.
Coaches have been brought in to raise employees to a professional standard of temptation all but guaranteed to ruin the judgement of any red-blooded customer and leave them wondering why they thought a Thursday three-for-two deal was a good idea.
“Social media web 2.0 texting eff-two-eff,” said marketing marketer Emma Woods, “compelling story passionate customer service unique techniques complete redefinition of restaurant experience stop me before I kill again. Free garlic bread, happy finish extra.”
New staff are shipped in from eastern Europe under pretence of working in a brothel, only to find themselves confined to a small suburban high street pizza shop in the slums of Richmond and forced into the most degrading emotional labour and pretence of giving a damn. The company controls them by threatening to release photographs of them eating the food.
Turning the staff into bar girls is considered cheaper and more feasible than serving edible meals.