Category Archives: United Kingdom

Sony-Ericsson, Nokia unveil unlimited music services

DAS BUNKER, British Phonographic Industry, Wednesday (NNGadget) — Sony-Ericsson has announced PlayNow Plus, a new plan for unlimited “DRM-free” music downloads on phones.

“Pay, er, PlayNow Plus is completely unlimited, covers all major labels, no DRM, get all you want any time you like,” said spokesdrone Mobile Salestwat. “This is the biggest deal in mobile music ever! Of course, it’ll only play on your phone, for the duration of the contract, all songs then disappearing. Well, just a little DRM. Honest.”

Theatrophone and chainNokia was quick to strike back. “Our Comes With Music plan is a simple, compelling user experience with first class music-enabled devices, and really doesn’t have any DRM at all, unlike those rapacious Sony bastards,” said spokesdrone Mobile Salestwat. “We pay you to take the songs! And you keep all of them! Forever! Until the end of the contract. And you can play them on your phone and your computer! Through the Nokia software. So only a wafer-thin piece of DRM. Hardly any.”

“Our plan is so much better,” said Sony. “Songs from our service randomly come up to you offering you CASH CASH CASH, a lovely fruit basket, a backrub and a blowjob. The rootkit our software installs on your computer, which crashes it once an hour and records everything you do for our marketing department and sends a gigabyte a day of Nigerian spam, is for your comfort and convenience. And absolutely no DRM. We prefer the term digital consumer enhancement.”

“Your plan’s mother was a pigdog!” said Nokia. “Have you ever tried using an Ericsson phone? Worst. Interface. Ever. Our plan beams the entire catalogues of all six, er, five, I mean four major labels, plus the complete works of the remaining Hollywood studios, directly into your brain’s pleasure centre! And also gives you huge and spectacular breasts! Or penis! Or both! And your little dog too! It does burn out chunks of your cerebral cortex when your contract ends, for the protection of the artists and the continued development of musical culture. So you might want to be sure you’re on time with your upgrade. But it’s not DRM. As such.”

Both services offer approximately five million songs, though 98% of downloads to date have been of the track “Bloody Irritating Piece Of Synthetic R&B” by MC Sewermouth, purchased on stolen phones and played at top volume by those teenagers in the back seat of the bus.

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Famous person’s son in jail

OUT WITH THE CHAPS, Hooray Club, Sunday (NNN) — Otis Ferry, son of singer Bryan Ferry, has been refused bail on charges of robbery, assault, perverting the course of justice and being an arrogant over-monied young twat.

Chav Basil BrushHis mother, former model Lucy Helmore, was worried that he was “without any clean socks and shirts” in prison, and that he will not be able to cope with confinement because he “loves the outdoors so much,” particularly the bits where foxes are ripped apart by dogs.

Mr Ferry was charged with assaulting a hunt monitor and stealing her camera and keys and threatening a prosecution witness on these charges, as well as being an arrogant over-monied young twat in general.

He has had visits from his equally talented and worthwhile friends Pixie Geldof, Jade Jagger, the Allen kids and one of the lesser McCartneys.

His mother added: “I think this whole thing has been politically motivated.” A spokesfox for the Metropolitan Red Fox Association called such claims of a fit-up “scurrilous” and denied allegations of a six-month surveillance operation by undercover urban foxes. “Is it ’cos I is red?” he added belligerently.

Abi Titmuss marked as next Labour leader

PAGE 3, Channel 5, Friday (NNN) — Abi Titmuss has been flagged as the hot prospect for leader of the Labour Party in the leadup to the Annual Conference.

Prime Minister Abi TitmussThe party has searched for a suitable candidate who is actually ideologically distinguishable from any of New Labour. Ms Titmuss’ cheeky grin and cheerful attitude are expected to resonate with voters, as are her breasts. She is also considered ideal for a job whose expected term is about fifteen minutes.

“As long as you can ’ave a larf, innit,” said the future Prime Minister and former nurse, television host, author, actress and woman foolish enough to have shagged John Leslie.

Should her 2010 bid for re-election fail, she is expected to run for Mayor of London in 2012, getting more magazine coverage than even Ken Livingstone managed. “Boris is still a bigger tit, though.”

Nuts is expected to replace The Sun as the official UK governmental journal of record. Gordon Brown’s name will also be legally changed by party vote to Gordon Arsemess.

Nick Clegg promises Lib Dems hearts’ desires

THE FAERY CASTLE, Bournemouth, Wednesday (NNN) — Nick Clegg says the Liberal Democrats are on the way to power in his first conference speech as party leader.

“I can’t tell you every step on the road,” he said, taking a hit from his crack pipe, “but I can tell you where we’re headed: GOVERNMENT!”

Nick Clegg and crack pipeHe said they were the only party with “big, bold ideas for the country. New Labour is a zombie goverment and the Tories are arrogant. David Cameron is just a cuddly Tony Blair Lite hand puppet,” said the cuddly David Cameron Lite hand puppet.

The party had spent many hours debating the finer details of its “progressive and redistributive” tax package, just as if it had a hope in hell of implementing it.

“We must stay firm to Liberal Democrat values,” he said. “We must promise fluffy social liberalism whilst feathering our nests in every council and European Parliament seat we get. We can carry these values forward to Westminster.”

He also made a point of recommending stronger regulation of the banking sector, along with supporting the sky being blue and the sun rising in the east.

The Lib Dems have also come under fire over their plan to cold call 250,000 marginal voters with an automated message to get feedback on Mr Clegg’s key policy promises. “Calling people by voice robot at dinner time when Coronation Street is on will be the key way of getting people on our side and enhancing our public image,” he said. “I think the voters will be keen to show their appreciation.”

The party was in a better position than ever before, he said. “I have been to the Arctic and secured Father Christmas’ firm backing. With his support and that of the Easter Bunny and the contemporary militant Tooth Fairy jihadist movement, nothing is out of our reach. Join us now and feed the Liberals!”

A spokesman for Prime Minister Gordon Brown said the good laugh had been most welcome.

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Your house is still worthless

THE HOUSING MARKET, Upstairs Flat Behind The Fish Renderer’s, Monday (NNN) — The house price crash has affected homes at all levels, says freelance itinerant labour force reservist Foul Ole Bob, of Cardboard City.

Satellite bum“My box was appreciating at ten thousand quid a week last year. Now it’s worth 50p. My life savings gone up in credit crunch!” said Bob. “Mister Foul, if you please, thank you.”

Jason Scum, of Wrongmove and Bastard, concurs. “I was selling looogshury boxes, seven foot by four foot, 150K this time last year. Sky dish and broadband fitted! All mod cons, luvverly neighbours, ex-cellunt views. A snip at 200K. You couldn’t spare a fiver for a line of coke, could you? I’m givin’ you my valuable time,” he said, waving his handful of Big Issue as random passing house owners threw what tomatoes they could spare at him.

After a decade-long housing boom, credit is all but unavailable. “Let’s just check yer Experian report … Failed to pay back little Johnny Turd that shilling in 1968? Ooh,” said ex-bank manager Dick Fold of Lehman Brothers, inhaling through his teeth, “’s gonna cost ya, guv. Not sure I can spare you that can of Super now, fag end or no.”

Overseas property sales in such highly desirable locations as North India, the Mongolian deserts and the Siberian tundra have also suffered, despite incredibly tempting Tube ads with four-colour photos of villas surrounded by trees. “I just don’t understand it,” said Scum, sucking from his bottle of meths.

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Reiss: Science lessons should tackle Easter Bunny

DO-AS-YOU-PLEASE, Faraway Tree, Friday (NNN) — The Easter Bunny should be discussed in school science lessons rather than dismissed, says Professor Michael Reiss, director of education at the Royal Society and of infiltration at the Discovery Institute.

The Creation of Dawkins“If pupils have strongly-held family beliefs about the Easter Bunny, such ideas should be explored,” he said. “Easterbunnyism, Fatherchristmasism or the contemporary militant Tooth Fairy jihadist movement are best seen by science teachers not as a misconception but as a world view. This is more valuable than simply banging on about ‘reality.’ Reality-based thinking is vastly overrated and certainly won’t prepare children for a career in the City or in government.”

Rev Prof Reiss, a biologist and Church of England minister, estimates that about one in 10 children is from a family which instructs its children in the Tooth Fairy theory of dentistry. “Obviously, these are from the stratum of society with more spare 50p pieces.”

Simon Underdown of Oxford Brookes University disagreed. “With so much to be crammed into science lessons, it is not a worthwhile use of time to include lessons on Easterbunnyism. We have monthly standardised testing to coach pupils on.”

The Royal Society quickly put out a statement affirming that it is opposed to such concepts being taught as science. Professor Richard Dawkins is working on a children’s text on useful ways to quickly construct street-corner gallows and burning stakes for rehabilitation of the religious.

Danielle Lloyd opens celebrity sex tape consultancy

PAGE 3, Channel 5, Tuesday (N! News) — A-list Z-lister Danielle Lloyd, famous as that one who got kicked off Celeb Big Brother with Jade Goody and shagged them footballers and got her norks out and what was the other thing? has opened a leaked celebrity sex tape production consultancy.

Danielle Lloyd“You have to make people care. Lighting, camera, sound, plot, distribution, publicity, not looking like some sort of tart, making sure you talk propah like …”

A recently leaked video shows Ms Lloyd naked, looking at and talking directly to a camera she was completely unaware of at the time. “That was never deliberate!” she said, speaking to the Daily Tits. “Phone cameras are rubbish. And that was two boob jobs ago. I just can’t believe anyone would stoop so low as to film me behind my back.” Ms Lloyd is “desperate” to stop the release of the tape to the Internet, which fans can help alert her to by comparing any alleged Lloyd nude footage to the samples available on for £5.99 a download.

Ms Lloyd recently visited America, interviewing local official stalker candidates with the Daily Tits team and getting a “spiritual” tattoo down the back of her neck in Hebrew lettering reading “Idiot Gentile Bimbo.” She also got engaged to her boyfriend, DJ Sarcastik, and modelled her fabulous new diamond in several sets of thong bikini shots.

Ms Lloyd has also come out strongly against drugs. “They make you stupid, innit.” She recently appeared in her seventeenth celebrity nude calendar this year to support rehabilitation for chronic bottled tan snorters.

Angry passengers set train alight, improving service

STRATFORD INTERSTELLAR, Olympic Wasteland, Friday (NNN) — Angry commuters on the Central Line, fed up with morning rush hour delays, have set a train on fire and pelted it with rocks.

Train wreck at StratfordThe service proceeded to arrive fifteen minutes earlier than planned.

The government has blamed the incident on leftist activists, after Mayor of London Boris Johnson raised the most popular fares 11% despite somehow claiming an average increase of 6%.

Mayor-In-Exile Ken Livingstone rallied his remaining followers by short-wave radio from his Venezuelan mountain cave this evening. “Boris has made a complete hash of it as usual. But I shall return. This is my promise: I will never give you up. I will never let you down. I will never run around or desert you.”

Johnson said the incident had caused £4m in damage, and saved £8m in compensation that would otherwise have been paid to season ticket holders for late running. “We’re thinking of timetabling them every weekday,” he said.

Phew! What a scorcher

PHONING IT IN, The Beach, mid-afternoon (NNN) — An ambulance service has praised a five-year-old boy after he successfully called 999 to report that his mother had collapsed and was unconscious in their home.

Mosaik in der Villa del Casale in Piazza Armerina, SizilienIn other news, a pet wears a seatbelt, alleged scientists have yet again discovered a formula for the perfect attractive woman (it apparently involves being short with long legs and large breasts), there’s a piece on ancient Roman bikinis, how to make the perfect cup of tea and lots of pictures of sunburnt, drug-addled women in bikini tops at a summer rock festival, including ones that aren’t Amy Winehouse. And it’s hot.

Crop circles have fallen out of favour in recent years. How the A-levels these days aren’t as good as proper A-levels were back in my day, you mark my words, remains a perennial favourite. With pictures of students in bikini tops.

“We’re holding out hope of the first skateboarding duck of the season,” said one of the few reporters still left in the office. “In the meantime, I’m researching a story about a long, short-breasted, large-legged sunburnt woman in a Roman bikini top making me the perfect cup of tea.”

A Metro writer was nonplussed at this line of questioning and asked precisely what was supposed to be different to their usual content.

Ryanair passengers fail to pay oxygen surcharge

NICKELANDIME, Stansted, Tuesday — Terrified passengers believed they were about to die as their Ryanair flight to Barcelona suffered a loss of cabin pressure and dropped thousands of feet in seconds.

Ryanair Antoinette“We are a budget airline,” said chief executive Michael O’Leary. “We deliver what the customer wants to pay for. The Intact Fuselage Surcharge is optional.”

Several oxygen masks also failed to deploy or work. “I reached for my mask, but I didn’t have 50p for my son’s mask, so he died, which is a pity,” said Brenda Burberry, 34, of Essex. “I couldn’t get a hostess to come over and give me change for a pound. Slag.”

Many passengers suffered nosebleeds and damaged eardrums, though Ryanair was happy to defer the Nosebleed Surcharge and Eardrum Surcharge until after the flight rather than demand cash on the spot.

Mr O’Leary stressed that all safety procedures had been followed correctly. “All passengers extended their arms and said in unison, ‘I do believe in aerodynamics! I do!’ We also had MP3 players for hire to play the comforting phrase into the ears of those passengers who wanted to avail themselves of that extra service, if they were too busy screaming in terror to say it themselves.”

The emergency landing at Limoges International Airport was a “safety precaution” and all 168 passengers disembarked safely, after paying their Optional Emergency Landing Surcharge.