Category Archives: United Kingdom

Danielle Lloyd opens celebrity sex tape consultancy

PAGE 3, Channel 5, Tuesday (N! News) — A-list Z-lister Danielle Lloyd, famous as that one who got kicked off Celeb Big Brother with Jade Goody and shagged them footballers and got her norks out and what was the other thing? has opened a leaked celebrity sex tape production consultancy.

Danielle Lloyd“You have to make people care. Lighting, camera, sound, plot, distribution, publicity, not looking like some sort of tart, making sure you talk propah like …”

A recently leaked video shows Ms Lloyd naked, looking at and talking directly to a camera she was completely unaware of at the time. “That was never deliberate!” she said, speaking to the Daily Tits. “Phone cameras are rubbish. And that was two boob jobs ago. I just can’t believe anyone would stoop so low as to film me behind my back.” Ms Lloyd is “desperate” to stop the release of the tape to the Internet, which fans can help alert her to by comparing any alleged Lloyd nude footage to the samples available on daniellelloyd.com for £5.99 a download.

Ms Lloyd recently visited America, interviewing local official stalker candidates with the Daily Tits team and getting a “spiritual” tattoo down the back of her neck in Hebrew lettering reading “Idiot Gentile Bimbo.” She also got engaged to her boyfriend, DJ Sarcastik, and modelled her fabulous new diamond in several sets of thong bikini shots.

Ms Lloyd has also come out strongly against drugs. “They make you stupid, innit.” She recently appeared in her seventeenth celebrity nude calendar this year to support rehabilitation for chronic bottled tan snorters.

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Angry passengers set train alight, improving service

STRATFORD INTERSTELLAR, Olympic Wasteland, Friday (NNN) — Angry commuters on the Central Line, fed up with morning rush hour delays, have set a train on fire and pelted it with rocks.

Train wreck at StratfordThe service proceeded to arrive fifteen minutes earlier than planned.

The government has blamed the incident on leftist activists, after Mayor of London Boris Johnson raised the most popular fares 11% despite somehow claiming an average increase of 6%.

Mayor-In-Exile Ken Livingstone rallied his remaining followers by short-wave radio from his Venezuelan mountain cave this evening. “Boris has made a complete hash of it as usual. But I shall return. This is my promise: I will never give you up. I will never let you down. I will never run around or desert you.”

Johnson said the incident had caused £4m in damage, and saved £8m in compensation that would otherwise have been paid to season ticket holders for late running. “We’re thinking of timetabling them every weekday,” he said.

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Phew! What a scorcher

PHONING IT IN, The Beach, mid-afternoon (NNN) — An ambulance service has praised a five-year-old boy after he successfully called 999 to report that his mother had collapsed and was unconscious in their home.

Mosaik in der Villa del Casale in Piazza Armerina, SizilienIn other news, a pet wears a seatbelt, alleged scientists have yet again discovered a formula for the perfect attractive woman (it apparently involves being short with long legs and large breasts), there’s a piece on ancient Roman bikinis, how to make the perfect cup of tea and lots of pictures of sunburnt, drug-addled women in bikini tops at a summer rock festival, including ones that aren’t Amy Winehouse. And it’s hot.

Crop circles have fallen out of favour in recent years. How the A-levels these days aren’t as good as proper A-levels were back in my day, you mark my words, remains a perennial favourite. With pictures of students in bikini tops.

“We’re holding out hope of the first skateboarding duck of the season,” said one of the few reporters still left in the office. “In the meantime, I’m researching a story about a long, short-breasted, large-legged sunburnt woman in a Roman bikini top making me the perfect cup of tea.”

A Metro writer was nonplussed at this line of questioning and asked precisely what was supposed to be different to their usual content.

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Ryanair passengers fail to pay oxygen surcharge

NICKELANDIME, Stansted, Tuesday — Terrified passengers believed they were about to die as their Ryanair flight to Barcelona suffered a loss of cabin pressure and dropped thousands of feet in seconds.

Ryanair Antoinette“We are a budget airline,” said chief executive Michael O’Leary. “We deliver what the customer wants to pay for. The Intact Fuselage Surcharge is optional.”

Several oxygen masks also failed to deploy or work. “I reached for my mask, but I didn’t have 50p for my son’s mask, so he died, which is a pity,” said Brenda Burberry, 34, of Essex. “I couldn’t get a hostess to come over and give me change for a pound. Slag.”

Many passengers suffered nosebleeds and damaged eardrums, though Ryanair was happy to defer the Nosebleed Surcharge and Eardrum Surcharge until after the flight rather than demand cash on the spot.

Mr O’Leary stressed that all safety procedures had been followed correctly. “All passengers extended their arms and said in unison, ‘I do believe in aerodynamics! I do!’ We also had MP3 players for hire to play the comforting phrase into the ears of those passengers who wanted to avail themselves of that extra service, if they were too busy screaming in terror to say it themselves.”

The emergency landing at Limoges International Airport was a “safety precaution” and all 168 passengers disembarked safely, after paying their Optional Emergency Landing Surcharge.

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Home Office in Internet propaganda war

TEH INTARWEB, Lolcat, Tuesday (NNGadget) — Home Office counter-terrorism experts intend to exploit nu meeja websites to “channel messages through volunteers in Internet forums” as part of a campaign to “taint the al-Qaeda™ brand,” according to a document accidentally posted to Wikipedia this morning.

al-Failda“We understand that people on Internet forums have no experience whatsoever of participants paid to advocate a position or product,” says the report. “A single image macro exchange of ‘U R TERRIST’ ‘NO U’ ‘O RLY?’ ‘SRSLY’ could save countless lost souls.”

The unit is also targeting the BBC and other online news outlets. The main obstacle appears to lie in writing messages stupid enough to pass for genuine reader comments. “Some of our top fake news writers have burnt out their brains on the task and now sit shaking and gibbering about real life being worse than any parody. And house prices.”

Other work includes faked reports of al-Quaeda branded Zunes on Gizmodo, suitably on-message mouseover popups on XKCD and photomanipulations of Osama bin Laden as Pedobear on 4chan.

The initiative was spearheaded by a Home Office civil servant asked to account for the number of work hours he seemed to be spending on Internet message boards. His latest proposal is to fight al-Qaeda on MP3, BitTorrent and pornographic websites. “I’ve bought a new 500 gigabyte USB portable disk drive on expenses to store this important confidential data,” he said.

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UK Government loses all data on everyone

THE MEMORY HOLE, Whitehall, Sunday (NNN) — Annual reports from Whitehall departments show that the government has lost all data it ever held on anyone.

Out of data errorLosses have occurred through couriered unencrypted disks, misplaced memory sticks, lost laptops, briefcases left on trains and files falling down the side of the tea machine. “The real scandal is that a train was running for them to lose a case on,” said a source whose name has been lost.

Treasury minister Jane Kennedy said the HM Revenue and Customs breaches did not necessarily result in data losses, or at least any that they have records of. HMRC said it takes data losses and security breaches “very seriously” and thoroughly investigates any breach that it does not lose track of.

Information Commissioner Richard Thomas has served enforcement notices on various departments for their data losses, but the departments in question could not find their office addresses to accept the notices. They noted, however, that Mr Thomas’ call was very important to them, and that he had been placed in a queue.

Home Secretary Jacqui Smith reassured citizens that plans for an all-encompassing ID card linked to biometric passports and a universal medical record with the NHS would not change because of these losses. “We won’t even be thinking about them.”

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New breast cancer hope for journalism

PAGE 3, Wapping, Saturday (Norks News Network) — A new breast cancer treatment has led to new hope for newspaper proprietors being able to run more pictures of topless women with one hand over their breasts.

The story follows mere days after earlier stories concerning red meat, carbohydrates, drinking, high levels of daily stress and deodorant causing breast cancer, stories concerning bone cancer drugs, prostate cancer drugs, a “happy outlook” and high levels of daily stress preventing breast cancer and, of course, several close-ups of Kylie Minogue’s bottom.

Lucy Pinder

“It’s been a bumper season,” said Grub Street mogul Desmond Murdoch, “so to speak. We’ve actually had to find a third and fourth file photo of a topless woman with a hand over her breasts. Though we ran a fabulous two-page spread of a self-examination conducted by Luscious Lucy, 19, of Sheppey, who wants to grow up to work with cute puppies and children and be in Nuts next month.”

Additional opportunities were provided by the Portsmouth University breast biomechanics team, who actually managed to get paid money to find out that “breasts move up to 21cm during exercise and they move up and down, in and out and from side to side,” although further funding and DVD duplication equipment is apparently required before final results can be produced.

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UK economy comes to a complete halt; everyone gives up and goes home

CANTBEARSED, East Cheam, Friday (NNN) — UK economic growth ground to a halt between April and June, according to official statistics.

Big Ben closed for businessEconomic activity has ceased, with nothing being bought or sold. No-one has shown up to work in the last two weeks. Tube stations have been buried under uncollected copies of Metro. The populace have given up eating, choosing instead to sit humming and staring into space.

House prices have dropped 99.998%, the last recorded offer being five quid and a bottle top. “I didn’t take it because I couldn’t be bothered,” said Boris Busybody, 77 (IQ), of East Cheam. “Not that anyone else will be asking.”

Fears of Mad Max-style gangs roaming the country with guns and flamethrowers have failed to come to pass, owing to a shortage of paraffin and general apathy. “What’s the point?” said tribal gang warlord Ravencrush Hornbastard. “There’s no telly on anyway and the shops are all shut. What would we spend it on?”

“It could be worse,” said treasurer Alistair Darling. “We could be trying to use the US dollar as currency.”

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Gary Glitter deported from Solar System

LOOK, Up in the Skirt, Wednesday (NNN) — Lunar immigration officials have given Gary Glitter a deadline to leave the Moon by 2am local time or face being locked up in the Sea of Tranquility’s notorious Immigration Detention Centre, where illegal aliens are kept 40 to a room.

Glitter in Spaaace!

The former pop star, real name Paul Gadd, went to the satellite after his deportation from Vietnam, Thailand, Hong Kong, Thailand again, Somalia, Darfur, the Siberian tundra, the South Pole and an abandoned oil platform in the middle of the ocean.

Lunar officials declared Glitter “persona non grata” and said that he posed a threat to domestic morality. “It’s that horrible little beard. He looks like some sort of pervert.”

Glitter is looking forward to his teleportation to the outer reaches of the galaxy, rather than returning to England. “I’m afraid Jacqui Smith’s just a bit past it for me.”

Glitter’s new single, “Thank Heaven For Young Women With Photographic Identification Certifying They Are Of Legal Age,” is to be released on Jonathan King’s record label.

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Labour selects sock with eyes as new leader

THE GREAT STENCH, Whitehall, Tuesday (NNN) — The Labour Party has elected a sock with eyes as its leader and the new Prime Minister.

The sock is a size 6-10 cotton-blend Argyle, with stick-on googly eyes from a local craft shop and a penny for a nose.
Sock puppet by Carlb

The sock follows a succession of failed candidates in the top job in the wake of Tony Blair’s ten years in the position, starting with Gordon Brown’s eighteen-month premiership, followed by three months for David Miliband, six weeks for Harriet Harman, three weeks for Jack Straw, one week for Jacqui Smith and one day for each of Des Brown, Hilary Benn, John Hutton, Ruth Kelly, Hazel Blears, Geoff Hoon, Ed Balls and Ed Miliband, in that order. They even offered Tony the job back, which he “regretfully” declined with a laugh that could be heard from the Middle East. Alistair Darling was, of course, passed over.

The sock was recruited in the wake of the Conservative Party’s ongoing Parliamentary and opinion poll success with a reassuring animatronic Tony Blair puppet operated by a wind-powered Thatcherminator mechanism.

The Liberal Democrats are taking up a collection to buy a Christmas stocking.

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