NICKELANDIME, Stansted, Tuesday — Terrified passengers believed they were about to die as their Ryanair flight to Barcelona suffered a loss of cabin pressure and dropped thousands of feet in seconds.
“We are a budget airline,” said chief executive Michael O’Leary. “We deliver what the customer wants to pay for. The Intact Fuselage Surcharge is optional.”
Several oxygen masks also failed to deploy or work. “I reached for my mask, but I didn’t have 50p for my son’s mask, so he died, which is a pity,” said Brenda Burberry, 34, of Essex. “I couldn’t get a hostess to come over and give me change for a pound. Slag.”
Many passengers suffered nosebleeds and damaged eardrums, though Ryanair was happy to defer the Nosebleed Surcharge and Eardrum Surcharge until after the flight rather than demand cash on the spot.
Mr O’Leary stressed that all safety procedures had been followed correctly. “All passengers extended their arms and said in unison, ‘I do believe in aerodynamics! I do!’ We also had MP3 players for hire to play the comforting phrase into the ears of those passengers who wanted to avail themselves of that extra service, if they were too busy screaming in terror to say it themselves.”
The emergency landing at Limoges International Airport was a “safety precaution” and all 168 passengers disembarked safely, after paying their Optional Emergency Landing Surcharge.
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I couldn’ t work out how to work in the mushroom soup :-)