‘United Kingdom’ Archives
Last Supper of Christ “happened in tenth dimension”
THE NINTH CIRCLE, Dibley, Saturday (TNN) — The Last Supper happened "in an unknown cosmic dimension, probably on a Wednesday," says a professor of a subject that has nothing to do with theology, history or archaeology but does involve inhalation of heavy metal fumes. Professor Colin Humphreys of Cambridge University says discrepancies in [...]
“Free books for everyone,” advertise publishers
KINDLING, The Amazon, Monday (NTN) — Internet eBook piracy is a "colossal" problem, the Publishers Association warned last night, thus alerting every Metro reader they never needed pay for a book again, having spent the last few years getting thoroughly used to having all their music and movies for free. The own-goal of giving superlative [...]
Clegg “regrets” making actually testable promises
WINTER OF LOVE, 30 Millbank, Thursday (NTN) — Nick Clegg has expressed his "regret" at having made promises that actually involved testable claims, though not at breaking said promises. "I'm sorry, I'm still a bit new to all this POWER POOOWEERRR AHAHAHA COWER BEFORE MY MIGHT stuff," said Mr Clegg. "We thought it was about promising nice [...]
Newspaper website “troll” punished
PAGE 3, Channel 5, Saturday (NTN) — An "internet troll" who posted offensive messages on the World Wide Web has been revealed to be the Daily Mail. The Mail "preyed on bereaved families" for its "own pleasure", the Press Complaints Council heard. The paper was charged with sending malicious communications that were grossly offensive. [...]
Journalist pretending to be non-despicable decent human thrown under train
DERAIL REPLACEMENT BUS, Tranniesport For London, Wednesday (NTN) — An Associated Newspapers journalist dressed as a human was pushed under a train by everyone who had suffered the Daily Mail in the past two days. The incident started with shouting and a scuffle as people pushed forward to be the one to throw the abomination under a train. [...]
Minister condemns Satanist fire fighters for causing credit crunch
SOME LIKE IT HOT, Going Underground, Wednesday (NTN) — Fire fighters are encouraging Satanic worship and damaging Britain's economy by threatening to strike, says Communities minister Bob Neil. The government released a YouTube video showing Fire Brigades Union officials demonstrating with anarchist flags, consorting with Satan and taking [...]
Charity pays Tories not to breed
SOMA, Brave New World, Monday (NTN) — Controversial charity Project Prevention is offering cut-addicted Conservatives hundreds of pounds in return for making sure they never breed under any circumstances. Their motto is "stop the problem before it happens." But the system raises fundamental questions about people's — and Tories' [...]
Cyber terrorism identified as major excuse for Olympics
MISSILE COMMAND, South Bank, Monday (NTN) — A new generation of sophisticated "cyber terrorists" are to be blamed for the imminent failure of the London 2012 Olympics. Although the Coalition's National Security Strategy identifies climate change, population growth, the rise of al-Qaeda and the return of Northern Ireland-based terrorism as [...]
Pizza Express staff to learn secret arts of love
HOT HOT HOT, Slice the Salami, Wednesday (NTN) — Pizza Express will train customer service staff in charm, small talk, flirting and the secret arts of workplace seduction. Coaches have been brought in to raise employees to a professional standard of temptation all but guaranteed to ruin the judgement of any red-blooded customer and leave [...]
London filled with evil witches, council warns schoolchildren
THE NIGHT GARDEN, Television Outskirts, Wednesday (NTN) — Northamptonshire children heading to London on school trips have been warned that they are at risk from terrorists, monsters, malevolent warlocks, Muslims, for'ners and people who read and have ten fingers. Northamptonshire County Council issued an alert to all 349 of its schools [...]
