Category Archives: United Kingdom

Outrage as Tories spend public money screwing each other rather than you

TEBBITT, Westminster, Saturday (NTN) — The Independent Parliamentary Standards Authority is to investigate claims that public money was used by Conservative thinktank the Policy Research Unit to do something that did not involve harming other people.

Margaret Thatcher condomA senior aide is claimed to have booked a hotel suite at a conference, then used this “internet” witchcraft to invite young men to the room, saying “I’m up here with the Tory Party and have some great young policies in my suite.” The men then did what Tories usually do but — in violation of all Party standards — upon consenting subjects.

A spokesman said IPSA was “deeply worried” by the claims, but noted that, as a gay orgy, it was at least unlikely to lead to further Tory reproduction.

The Daily Mail attempted to link the incident to the unrelated trial of Nigel Evans, who it said should quit anyway due to his complete acquittal on all charges apparently having left his careers in ruins. The paper made sure to use the word GAY at least twice in each paragraph.

Tories fall to “Arsebleed” security hole

SECURITY PUPPET THEATRE, Westminster, Wednesday (NTN) — An encryption tool used by a large chunk of the Conservative Party is flawed, potentially exposing reams of data meant to be hidden from prying eyes.

ArsebleedThe bug, nicknamed “Arsebleed” by anyone who can’t distance themselves from Maria Miller fast enough, could affect two-thirds of active Tory MPs.

The bug exploits a problem with data on expenses claims, namely that there is any. Used inappropriately, the data could reveal not only the featherbedding but that the only checking is done by other MPs. Several researchers said earlier that they had been able to capture self-authentication on the part of MPs, despite the risk of blindness.

MPs increasingly use encryption to mask data such as second mortgages or paying family members as researchers. But with Arsebleed, anyone can reach out to the Internet and scoop out the data. Miller had attempted to close the security hole, but £5,800 in 31 seconds proved inadequate to the task.

Much of the party appeared to be caught off guard by the disclosures. David Cameron admitted he had underestimated the severity of the vulnerability. He said there was “more to do,” but committed to a root-and-branch reform of the party’s marketing, and said he would make sure the interface was as shiny and pleasant as was feasible given he only had Tories to work with. He also loudly talked up his newly-active Christian faith, in the hope people would pay attention to that instead.

Pounding techno and shedloads of pills “exciting” new depression therapy

THE WHITE ROOM, Trancentral, Thursday (NTNME) — The illegal party drug ketamine is an “exciting” and “dramatic” new treatment for depression, say doctors who waited about two decades too long before conducting the first trials in the UK.

German raver girls in furry bootsThe single small study has attracted due caution from evidence-based medicine experts, since 80% of single studies turn out to be in error. However, middle-aged doctors and researchers who feel they didn’t get out enough in their youth are clamouring to do multiple large-scale replications of the study, probably this weekend.

The findings open up whole new avenues of research. “It’s the sort of thing really that makes it worth doing psychiatry,” said lead researcher Dr Rupert McShane, or, as he now calls himself, DJ Rupie McK-Hole. “Can we get back into trials on LSD yet? I understand there’s also considerable clinical possibilities for the therapeutic qualities of sequences of repetitive beats, MDMA and the possibility of shagging cute raver chicks like the ones I remember.”

The duration of the effect is still a problem. “We’ll have to make sure we repeat the trials next weekend and the weekend after as well. For science and verifiability.”

Archbishop: “Christmas is all about the bumsex”

THE RECTORY, Arsenal, Christmas (NTN) — The Archbishop of Westminster, Vincent Nichols, has spent Midnight Mass, the second most important service of the year, talking about bumsex, bumsex and bumsex.

Gay Pope Benedict“Marriage between men and women shares in the creative love of God. Everything else is bumsex. Bumsex! Bumsex! Whatever you do, don’t think about bumsex.

“Also, gays are just icky. Possibly as icky as girls, we haven’t worked that one out yet. Perhaps bumsex …”

The Archbishop spoke at length about marriage and procreation, in his capacity as a lifelong celibate. “You can’t have children with bumsex. Apparently you can’t have that the other way around, either … Really? Are you sure about that one?”

He fiercely criticised the government’s plans to act according to all three parties’ manifestos. “Orwell gays mandate Stalin JACKBOOTS democracy HITLER HITLER HITLER. Who was definitely an atheist and not at all Catholic. Bumsex.”

Sang the carolers outside, “Weeeee wish you a merry bumsex/ We wish you a merry bumsex/ We wish you a merry bumsex/ And a happy new arse.”

Google opens first retail store

COURT ROAD, Tottenham, Friday (NTN) — Internet advertising agency Google is opening its first retail store, selling the Internet-only Chromebook.

Google Sauron“We’ve put a lot of effort into making it feel welcoming, homely and, dare I say it, ‘Googley’,” said Arvind Desikan, head of consumer marketing. The revolutionary shopping experience leverages Google’s famous abilities in customer service, having no staff. Customers seeking advice on a product can simply log in with their Google account to the in-store forum, where they and other customers can assist each other.

“People will be able to go in and have a play with the devices, so they can get a feel for what it’s about and we can monitor their reaction.” Persons seeking entry to the store must give their bank account name and glue an RFID tag to their forehead, so as to create a suitably decorous shopping environment, “just like in real life.” Should they be discovered to be using a name the Google Identity algorithm considers unlikely, they will be ejected mid-purchase and their GMail and Android phone disabled, for their comfort and convenience.

The store is in Tottenham Court Road, occupying a corner of the Church of Scientology, so as to select for the valuable demographic of people who want shiny things and are willing to pay a hundred quid more than they would for an ordinary netbook that does more. A second store will be opened in Lakeside for customers of similar discernment.

The Google store still anticipates more customers than the Microsoft stores. Rumours of the purchase of a Windows 7 phone somewhere in Britain are as yet unconfirmed, despite investigations by sceptics’ organisations.

Guardian falls to “BeautifulPeople” virus

PAGE 3, Channel 5, Monday (N! News) — They were built for the publication of “actual news content,” where editors ruthlessly excluded churnalised press releases. But today a brain virus attacked and a hideous wave of bollocks flooded newspapers already losing a fortune.

Lolo Ferrari’s somewhat disturbing First Life avatarThe virus was quickly named “” — after the website about how newsworthiness should not matter — as it attacked the mental software used to screen transparent bullshit, appearing to utterly disable it beyond recovery.

Alan Rusbridger, editor of The Guardian, claimed the virus had also overrun the BBC, the Telegraph and the Daily Mail, though it was difficult to tell in the latter case. He blamed it on “a disgruntled former journalist” who had decided to leave for twice the pay and considerably greater job security.

The virus claims to have set up a helpline with counsellors on hand to help PR minions distressed by their rejection from the press.

“We have to stick to our founding principles of only accepting actual news — that’s what our readers have paid for. We got suspicious when tens of thousands of new stories were printed and fell prey to Ben Goldacre in the first week,” Rusbridger told the pigeons in the park he was ranting at. “Spare change for a meal, guv? Haven’t had a glass of Bolly in three days.”

When the Guardian is finally merged with Metro, Rusbridger plans to found a dating site for unemployed journalists, despite the dangers to the gene pool.

J. K. Rowling decides “richer than Queen” not enough, aims for “Sultan of Brunei” level

ORTHOGON ALLEY, Mammon Managed, Friday ( — J. K. Rowling is further repackaging the dribbling arse of the Harry Potter series, in evident disbelief of old sayings about blood and stones.

Snape is not impressedThe final film, Harry Potter and the Deathly Lack of Further Books, is being released shortly. Rowling has carefully assembled a package to get free publicity out of the newspapers for the new project, Harry Potter and the Wallet Vampire.

Initial fan predictions for the new project, based on absolutely no actual information whatsoever, included a Potter encyclopedia, an online role-playing game, a “giant theme park”, a dessert wax and a floor topping. “Definitely the floor wax,” said Essex housewife and fan fiction author Luna Hypatia Grainger-Potter (née Tracey Clegg), 43, of Sheppey.

The new series will be created with the assistance of editorially-respected science fiction ghostwriter Kevin J. Anderson, author of The Many-Coloured Dune, Dune Skywalker, Klingons of Dune, Dunentology and Dunanetics, The Dunehiker’s Guide to the Dunacy and Remembrance Of Dunes Past/In Search of Lost Dune.

“Kevin taught me everything,” said Rowling. “Did you know you can outsource the writing bit to India now?”

Actual jail time for being blithering idiot on Internet

CYBERPRION, Arsebook, September ( — The much-maligned British justice system was lauded the world over today as someone was actually jailed for being a drooling lackwit on the Internet.

Drunk Facebook girlGene pool blight Joanne Fraill admitted researching the defendant she was trying as a juror, contacting the defendant during the case and telling the defendant about the jury’s deliberations. “It seemed like a good idea at the time. Lol.”

Fraill had previously come to police attention for seventeen “OMG”s, ten hopelessly misspelt status updates and, in an example the judge condemned as “one of the most egregious violations of human decency I can recall seeing,” rumours of over thirty YouTube comments.

The Internet has been hailed as the universal communication channel, allowing humanity to come together in cultural unity and mutual understanding, and bring the fruits of our collective idiocy to all. In our faces. Forever.

George Osborne announced plans to solve Britain’s economic woes with a special tax on Internet creationism, scientific racism and libertarianism, although the United States threatened to enact special laws to protect American bloggers’ constitutional right to be a fuckwit from British courts.

Drunk Facebook girl 2

Despite some protests, which have been ignored for stupidity and incomprehensibility, the British public has enthusiastically embraced the moves, fully agreeing that it was about time we gave fascism a chance.

“When they came for the Trekkies, I said ‘Hey, you guys missed a couple. See, there’s one right over there.’ When they came for the spammers, I said ‘Glad to see my tax money at work!’ When they came for the AOL users, I said ‘October came late this year.’ When they came for the people who post their messages in txt spk, I said ‘So, you guys hiring anytime soon?'”

UK plans cyber-weapons programme

HEY HEY 16K, R: Tape Loading Error, Thursday (NTK) — GCHQ has begun work on a range of uniquely British cyber-weapons to add to Britain’s defensive capability.

Atari 5200 Missile Command“Cyber-Space,” said General Jonathan Shaw, pronouncing the hyphen between the words, “represents conflict without borders. But we can use the finest of British technical pluck to fight off Johnny Cyberforeigner!”

“We need a toolbox of capabilities,” said armed forces minister Nick Harvey. “For instance, we have a truckload of old Psion EPOCs, which are excellent for hand-to-hand combat. We can also demoralise the enemy with talk of what a fantastic OS it has and how their Nokia with Symbian just can’t compare. Then, of course, we drive a truck over them.”

Other research weapons include Sinclair ZX81 ninja stars, BBC Model B boat anchors and more ethically questionable devices such as Amstrad Emailer land mines.

The foreign secretary, William Hague, told a security conference in Munich in February that the Foreign Office had repelled a cyber-attack a month earlier from “a hostile agency. Fortunately, Mesh Computers are now safely in administration and can’t sell us incredibly rubbish white box PCs ever again.”

Harvey did not specify where future threats might come from. “It would be foolish to assume the West can always dictate the pace and direction of this cyber-techno-electrickery-logy-stuff. Thing. I understand there are clever people in the world who don’t even live in Britain. Imagine that!

The cyber-warfare initiative is anticipated to fully achieve its objectives over the next five years, those being a suitably fattened defence budget and continuing contract bungs to BAE Systems.

Bizarre benefits fraud excuses revealed by government

THE OSBOURNES, Bog Society, Sunday (NTN) — A survey by fraud investigators has revealed their top ten worst excuses used by the evil benefit cheats depriving you, yes you, of valuable pennies you could have put toward your next pint.

  • Bayer Heroin bottle“We didn’t realise the NHS needed that six billion quid, we just had to make a few million phone calls.”
  • “Don’t tell me you give a shit about the tax your supermarket pays if you get your milk 2p cheaper.”
  • “It was a necessary and unavoidable cost of doing business to route every penny through Switzerland.”
  • “Kate Moss on my arm or you getting to study. I mean, let’s get serious here.”

“Benefit fraud is no joke,” said welfare reform minister Lord Fraud, “and yet our investigators are routinely dealing with barefaced cheek and ridiculous excuses for stealing money from the taxpayer.

“Fortunately, they’re mates of George’s, so we can get on with scapegoating victims we’re fairly sure probably can’t fight back. You weren’t limping on the way in here, were you?”