‘Media’ Archives
Showing up to work at all “costs British economy £2.13 trillion a year”
WEB 1.99 RC 1, Oh God it's nine o'clock, Monday morning (NNN) — Two-thirds of office workers use sites like Twitter and Facebook during the working day, wasting an average of 40 minutes a week each. The survey was conducted by Morse IT, with no consideration whatsoever of the company's extensive line of Internet filtering [...]
Jan Moir says she was “set up” on Question Time
TWITTER CENTRE, Whiter-than-White City, Friday (NNN) — Jan Moir today claimed London had been "ethnically cleansed" of heterosexual people after her appearance on Twitter Question Time last night. "London is no longer a city my grandparents would recognise. It is changed beyond all recognition. Pooftahs from end to end!" Ms Moir also [...]
Sky blasts BBC over use of licence fees for television
TELEVISION OUTSKIRTS, Osterley, Wednesday (Mediocre Grauniad) — In a submission to the BBC Trust, BSkyB has lambasted the BBC for using taxpayer’s money to invest in television, claiming the move would "stifle innovation" in the marketplace. "They shouldn't go off and do their own thing and use their unique funding to drive a coach and [...]
Carter-Ruck successfully preserves Trafigura’s online reputation
, Wikileaks, Tuesday (NNN) — Carter-Ruck and Associates, the finest libel lawyers in the world, have successfully protected the good reputation of oil and toxic waste company Trafigura by obtaining an injunction preventing the Guardian from reporting the fact of a Parliamentary question on Trafigura dumping toxic waste off the Ivory Coast, [...]
Black Muslim lesbians take over Top Gear
TELEVISION EXTREMITIES, Shepherd's Bush, Saturday (NNN) — After Jeremy Clarkson's column in the November issue of Top Gear magazine berating BBC executives' fondness for "black Muslim lesbians," a crack squad of said demographic has staged a coup and taken over the show. "The plague of political correctness means that women are allowed to [...]
Evening Standard to pay readers to take it
PAGE THREE, Daily Fail, Friday (Mediocre Grauniad) — From Monday week, the London Evening Standard will compete with freesheet London Lite by paying readers to take the wretched thing. "We will widen the paper's audience as a deterrence against corruption," said proprietor Alexander Lebedev. "To this end, we will engage in widespread [...]
Google Wave to transform the Internet
WELL I NEVER, What Will They Think Of Next, The Future (NNGadget) — The "tech world" is awash with excitement for today's scheduled release of a hundred thousand invitations to preview Wave, Google's innovative new website, communication protocol, interactive environment, multiplayer online role-playing game, bulletin board, wiki, dessert [...]
Daily Mail suspends complete bollocks injections after reader dies of stupidity
DACRE, Moron Piers, Tuesday (NNN) — Associated Newspapers today suspended all injections of scaremongering bollocks after a reader seemed to die of stupidity hours after reading the Daily Mail. Boris Busybody, 77 (IQ), of East Cheam, was found dead in his armchair after reading the UK Daily Mail's campaign against cervical cancer vaccines [...]
Kraft names new Vegemite: “Axle Grease Shit 2.0”
TOO FAR DOWN UNDER, Marketers At Work, Saturday (NNN) — In the quarter-final ad break of the Australian Football League grand final, Kraft has revealed the winning entry in the competition to name its new spreadable Vegemite cream cheese mix: Axle Grease Shit 2.0. The winning name was submitted by Dean Robbins, 27, of 129 Cowle Street, [...]
Parents beg for mercy from Justin Fletcher
THE NIGHT GARDEN, Television Outskirts, Thursday (NNeebies) — Parents' welfare groups begged for mercy as the full horror of Justin Fletcher's new CBeebies show Gigglebiz became apparent. "It's vitally important," said Mr Fletcher, recipient of an MBE for services to children's broadcasting, "that I use the full range of my ability as an [...]
