Category Archives: Media

Journalist pretending to be non-despicable decent human thrown under train

DERAIL REPLACEMENT BUS, Tranniesport For London, Wednesday (NTN) — An Associated Newspapers journalist dressed as a human was pushed under a train by everyone who had suffered the Daily Mail in the past two days.

Julie Bindel in her heartThe incident started with shouting and a scuffle as people pushed forward to be the one to throw the abomination under a train. The benighted and unnatural creature was dressed in clothes normally worn by people, as opposed to the foetid rags issued to staff by Northcliffe Media, and had applied choking quantities of perfume to cover the stench of moral decay. Other reporters covering the incident hypothesised the misbegotten object was on its way to a “party” at 6:37pm.

It was initially reported that an actual person had died, but fortunately the media was able to make it as clear as possible what a disgusting freak the “trans-human” so-called victim was. Prosecutors had tried to ban the publication of the victim’s name, saying it would cause a substantial risk of serious prejudice to any trial. Thankfully, British journalism is above any such petty considerations.

Police are seeking Julie Bindel to assist with their inquiries.

Computers turn children into Satan

PAGE 3, Channel 5, Monday (NTN) — Children spending at least two hours a day in front of a computer monitor have been scientifically proven to turn into rapacious hellspawn, say all newspapers today.

Elle Macpherson reading the Financial Times upside-down, nudeChanging visual information, as opposed to safe and reliable newsprint, has been connected to behavioural problems and conformance disabilities in children.

“Those younger than eighteen are developmentally incapable of distinguishing between the good, wholesome products of accredited journalists and seditious content that may lead to negative thinking,” said researcher Desmond Murdoch of the University of Metro. Repeated exposure to unedited information can lead to “fear and anxiety, sensitization to the suffering of others, increases in assertive attitudes, thoughts and behaviors, social concern and possible voting,” he said. “The best science money can buy proves it.”

Outraged Internet users notified all their friends on Facebook of an email campaign to alert people to this hopelessly biased abuse of scientific publishing, attending a protest against the event by changing their listed location on Twitter and adding a logo to their icon before being distracted by the next shiny thing. Fortunately, none of them had bred or would breed.

“I met a doctor once,” said Mr Murdoch. “Or handed one a cheque with a significant quantity of zeroes on it, anyway.”

Terry Jones burns Times paywall at Ground Zero

DESOLATION BOULEVARDE, Whopping, Friday (Mediocre Grauniad) — Terry Jones has called off his plans to burn a copy of The Times at Ground Zero tomorrow, after the paywall caught alight for half an hour on Friday afternoon.

Rupert Murdoch as GollumJones had planned to burn The Times because, he claimed, Rupert Murdoch would not rest until he had paywalled all of Google, including the remarkably lucrative Monty Python channel on YouTube. However, he was “rethinking” his plans after approximately everyone in the whole world suggested that just because it was legal might not actually make it a very good idea.

“We have made a deal with the thirty-three journalists still trapped down in the newspaper,” he said. “They will come out and Caitlin Moran will publicly recant her idiot piece from a few months ago about what an excellent idea the paywall was and how enormously pleased she was to be stuck behind it. Oh, didn’t you read that?”

The journalists have been trapped down the shaft since the first of July, and are being dribbled readers through a straw to keep them alive and focused and make them think there’s a point to being there.

“Of course, failing a recantation there will be a paywall conflagration that reaches the skies. All those lovely theoretical readers disappearing in a cloud of soot and cement dust! But I’m sure it’ll hardly be noticed and no-one will be upset.”

The “newspaper” was an ancient form of information distribution using cellulose pulp from crunched-up trees. It was popular in the early days of Google, when users would send written requests to the company enclosing a stamped self-addressed envelope and receive a reading list to take to their library, with an advertising flyer also enclosed.

Journalists back to core competencies as house prices do something

HIGH SOCIETY, Skid Row, Friday (NTN) — British house prices are set to go up, go down or possibly stay the same, according to relieved Daily Mail journalists looking for something to fill space with.

A quarterly survey of 27 analysts showed house prices would probably do something that could be turned into copy, with editors dusting off the Microsoft Word macros they used to generate half the paper in 2007.

Analysts still believe newspaper space is overvalued and the forecasts are a far cry from the double-digit page area percentages seen in the boom years, but they will provide some relief to editors who saw thousands wiped from their real estate advertising income.

“We are not currently predicting a double dip,” said editor Paul Dacre, “but we should be able to ease up on the stories about immigrants and celebrities, only having to repeat them every third day instead of every other day.”

Mr Dacre stressed the importance of such news coverage to society and the nation. “With the thicker papers, you could more easily build a little house to live in next to your park bench.”

Times prepares to shake off parasites

DAS BUNKER, Whopping, Tuesday (Mediocre Grauniad) — The Times has previewed its new paywall system, to keep readers, search engines and other criminals from using it to download cars, to the sound of champagne corks popping at the Guardian, Telegraph and BBC.

Rupert Murdoch as GollumThe newspaper will now require payment of £1 a day for its unique and high-quality editorial viewpoints, as taken from the Sun and rewritten in big words. The site also blocks anyone under 18 from registering, in order to keep the paper’s quality demographic aging nicely.

“I firmly support this move,” said everyday citizen on the street and certainly not Guardian editor at all Alan Rusbridger. “In fact, it should be ten pounds a day. Ten pounds a story. Then people will really see it as high-quality merchandise and not rewritten press releases and news feeds with Mr Murdoch dictating the editorial page.”

“It’s ours,” said James Murdoch, frothing slightly. “You thieving bastards steal our copyright every time you save a copy into your heads! Well, we’ll fix your little wagon. It’s a pound a day plus a pound a copy behind your eyes plus a pound a copy you talk about with anyone else plus a pound a copy just fucking because. It’s for me and Dad and you can just fuck off. And when we buy the BBC we won’t let you watch that either. Arseholes.”

“OK, the champagne is Thunderbird Sparkling,” said Mr Rusbridger. “Times are tough, you know. But I have complete faith we’re on the right path and the Times is doomed. I told ’em, I told ’em. Spare fiddy pee for a Polly Toynbee column? God bless you, sir!”

“I am one hundred percent behind paying for quality journalism,” said free culture activist Hiram Nerdboy, 17. “That’s why I just gave fifty quid to Wikileaks.”

Your super soaraway NewsTechnica cut-out-and-paste election guide!

Reasons to vote Conservative: Replacing public services with volunteers and churches is necessary to inspire a new Charles Dickens.

Reasons to vote Labour: Top-down central planning of society works and is effective.

Reasons to vote Liberal Democrat: Everyone is middle-class now, they just don’t know it yet.

Reasons to vote Green: Science is a Big Pharma conspiracy and homeopathy works.

Reasons to vote Scottish National Party: Who?

Reasons to vote Pirate Party: Cheryl Cole could go back to stacking shelves for a living.

Reasons to vote Respect: You have none for yourself.

Reasons to vote United Kingdom Independence Party: We don’t want to become the new Belgium. Instead, we should become the new Albania.

Reasons to vote English Democrats: Because you’re too lame even to vote UKIP.

Reasons to vote British National Party: actually, you’ve got me there. There are no reasons to vote BNP.

“OUR ONLY HOPE”: that of Rebekah Brooks and Dominic Mohan not to be down the JobCentrePlus Friday morning.

Nick Clegg dossier reveals his Martian roots

DAS BUNKER, Whopping, Tuesday (MSBBC) — Your Super Soaraway SUN has found the blueprint for Nick Clegg’s top-secret TV debate strategy in the back of a CAB, revealing he is a MARTIAN INVADER.

It reveals the Lib Dem leader STOLE DNA from David Cameron to DUPLICATE his style and cover Britain in a ROBOT ARMY OF CLEGGS, with BlackBerrys to be installed in all citizens.

“It’s very SLOPPY to just leave it in my CAB in a locked and alarmed SUITCASE,” said the cab driver, Andy Coulson, “and I thought people should know. That’s why I SOLD it to The Sun.”

Clegg DISGRACED himself in the television debate last Thursday, winning a mere 37% in BIASED COMMUNIST POLLS, while TORY SUPERSTAR Dave “Dave” Cameron topped the charts with a SURGE to 31% — despite foolish commentators claiming Clegg was less terrible than GORDON BROWN attempting to SMILE or the picture of DAVE CAMERON someone had PHOTOSHOPPED onto the screen.

“I used my PSYCHIC POWERS to talk to ADOLF HITLER after the debate and he would DEFINITELY vote Lib Dem now,” reveals luscious, pouting MYSTIC MEG in her political opinion column on Page 3 today.

The Tories have responded by DISTANCING themselves from the Liberal Democrats’ WASHED-UP, SOCIALIST POLICIES and put out new posters blaming the recession on the people responsible: POLISH ASYLUM TERRORISTS on THE DOLE.

“The Conservative Home web forum got out MS Paint and came up with some great stuff,” said Tory webmaster Andy Coulson. “Though they thought we should distance ourselves from those WISHY-WASHY, NUT-CUTLET-EATING LIBERALS at the Daily Mail, who are SOFT ON VOLCANOES and soft on the CAUSES of volcanoes.”

An article in the Völkischer Beobachter on Sunday by Andy Coulson REVEALED Clegg’s SPANISH wife, RUSSIAN grandfather and MARTIAN allegiance, and how he would definitely fail a proper Tory BRITISHNESS test.

“Fuck,” said Rupert Murdoch, speaking to his editors about the ACTUAL poll numbers.

Wacky journalistic scamps amuse all

EVERY DAY IS LIKE FRIDAY, The Pub, Thursday (NTN) — Journalists across Britain and the world excelled themselves with initially-plausible but unbelievable spoof stories today, including ones where Gordon Brown was prime minister.

The hilarious tales of improbable mirth have included all manner of jocular punchlines:

  • Robert Peston glowing with brilliance“The Tories are putting forward George Osborne as their Chancellor.”
  • “The Republicans are really that genuinely, certifiably batshit insane.”
  • “Labour will push through a bill in the pre-election washup that shuts down the Internet because the record companies asked them to.”
  • “Luscious Lucy, 19, of Sheppey, actually said the things she’s quoted with on page 3.”
  • “Pope apologises over child abuse by priests, but blames the gays.”
  • “The bankers are terribly sorry.”
  • “Perth.”

“It’s terribly distracting,” said Robert Peston. “People could believe these things and tell all their friends on Twitter before they realise. In any case, ‘April Fools’ is a terribly unproductive drain on the economy and was probably invented by Polish asylum seekers.”

“There was one where I’d shut the Times down from Google,” said Rupert Murdoch, “but that was just too silly to put in.”

BBC Trust happy to leave Mark Thompson twisting in the wind

WREATH NETWORK, Television Outskirts, Wednesday (MSBBC) — BBC Trust chairman Sir Michael Lyons has said “public concern” over 6 Music and the Asian Network may give the Trust a golden opportunity to throw director general Mark Thompson under a bus.

Kill your televisionPlans to close the stations, available via download, DAB Radio, tooth fillings, necromancy and the rantings of schizophrenic tramps on street corners, have outraged millions of Britons (reported by Sky News as 80,000), approximately five times as many as have mastered the technical wizardry and sequence of Masonic handshakes necessary to actually listen to 6 Music.

The music industry has also spoken out, though 6 Music staff thanked Lily Allen for her comments in support and asked her to please stop trying to be “helpful.”

The proposals will go through a public consultation before the Trust tells Thompson he is a drooling incompetent and that the Tories won’t like a crawler either. “Like Murdoch will actually give the twat the Sky job he’s after,” said Sir Michael. “Christ, why didn’t we keep Dyke. At least he didn’t actually try to actively sabotage the place.”

Mr Thompson is expected to meet with union leaders later, who say 600 people could lose their jobs. There is concern that Marc Riley could start making records again.

Daily Mail causes, cures cancer

GOLDACRE, Moron Piers, Thursday (NTN) — Taking the Daily Mail once a day, one million times the dose recommended by sensible physicians, will both induce and clear up cancer, a groundbreaking study by the Press Complaints Council has shown.

Richard Littlejohn/John LittlerichardThe latest dramatic results came from a 30-year project tracking the health of 2.2 million allegedly human subjects. Those who took two to five Daily Mails a week were far less likely to die from brain cancer due to the organ shutting down entirely under the strain. The carcinogen content of the output from the brain in question, however, “went through the roof.”

Using standard medical techniques of “psychic journalism,” Dr Paul Dacre found a marked increase in sensitivity to odious waffle, causing one’s DNA to unravel in sheer horror at the content. In some cases the advertisers also fall away, dropping to zero in the most severe and damaging examples.


Jan Moir leading the Daily Mail FrontShould terrorist ME sufferers be tortured with EU vaccine cancer?


Only the gay ones

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The PCC noted that this was entirely due to the presence of gay Muslim asylum-seeking Polish terrorists, destroying house prices by eating swans.

Taking the Daily Mail on six or seven days cut the risk of death by 64 per cent, but only from the neck down.

Previous research suggested that the Daily Mail can protect against bowel cancer by ensuring a continuous and powerful flow through the organs in question and out the mouth.