Microsoft Bob Hope gains “visual search” feature

September 14, 2009 David Gerard 1 Comment

WHAT’S ON THE SLAB, Steampunk Seattle, Monday (NNGadget) — Microsoft is improving its stratospherically successful “decision engine,” Bob Hope, with a feature that allows you to “visual search” on “web” “sites.”

“This is what happens at the cutting edge of research, y’know,” said marketing marketer Yusuf Mehdi at the Tech Crunch 50 conference yesterday. “You can use Microsoft Search™ to ‘search’ for any page on the Information Superhighway! And it’s really quite amazing what’s out there. Man. That’s actually our slogan — ‘Microsoft Search™: It’s Really Quite Amazing What’s Out There. Man.'”

The “search” feature is part of technology acquired in the deal with Yahoo! “We bought this fantastic thing they were working on. It’s a directory of links to web pages. People put stuff into classifications. You can ‘crowd-source’ it, you know! You visualise what you’re looking for, type it in words and this stuff shows up. Amazing! I don’t know how anyone never thought of it before. We have about fifty precomputed ‘searches’ in there at the moment, with more to come. Windows 7! The ‘wow’ starts now! You know, sometimes I wonder how people even managed to use computers before Windows 7.”

Search™ requires installing Microsoft Silverlight, .NET 3.5, the latest service packs and Windows Genuine Advantage. Office 2007 is also recommended. It runs best in Internet Explorer 8 on a Windows 7 computer. “We don’t see how Goog— that other company can possibly compete. Theirs doesn’t use anything extra. How the hell are you supposed to get people hooked like that? They just don’t have a business model.”

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Politics, Technology, United Kingdom

Alan Turing apologises for Gordon Brown

September 13, 2009 David Gerard 2 Comments

BLETCHEROUS PARK, Milton Springsteen, Sunday (NNGadget) — Today, on Programmer’s Day — September 13th, the two hundred and fifty-sixth day of the year — it is time for deep reflection on who we are and how we reached the current state of things.

After breaking the German Enigma Machine codes during the second World War and inventing computer science as we know it, I started work on my next and greatest project: to build the ultimate politician.

We would put together a force of bright and shining intellects, prominent academics of brilliance and perspicacity, but adept in the rough and tumble of practical day-to-day politics. A simulated “Max Headroom” smiling face as the frontman, and only a small amount of unearthly, unspeakable eldritch horror as the directing node behind the cluster.

It’s hard to say what I was thinking at the time. A thriving, computer-mediated economy, where machines would do the hard work and hard thinking for the benefit of all humanity. The prospect of a chancellor-bot singing “Daisy, daisy” as I removed his competence boards one by one to turn him into a Prime Minister. The sheer epic spectacle of huge mecha-politicians fighting it out with laser cannons over the smoking ruins of London. At least we got that one.

So on behalf of British technologists, and to all those who live under the CCTV’s watchful eye thanks to my work, I am now free to say: I am so very, very sorry. You deserved so much better.

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Entertainment, Media, United Kingdom

Jordan drunk-texts her old shag

September 12, 2009 David Gerard Leave a comment

OOMPA LOOMPA VILLAGE, Silicone Valley, Friday (N! News) — Katie Price has reportedly sent Peter Andre late-night texts claiming that she is still in love with the publicity she got with him, telling him the magazine covers were her “farytaele” in one message and that “I <3 ur pblicty & wnt 1 mr chnce” in another. A third message referred to the custody battles over the pair’s paparazzi.

She sent the messages two weeks before the pair’s quickie divorce, as covered in all papers on Tuesday. The Sun ran a cover shot of Ms Price in her finest orange, the Daily Star ran an old topless shot, George Monbiot in the Guardian praised the ecological soundness of her idea-recycling (though Hadley Freeman fatuously compared her and Andre to people with actual talent) and the Economist reported on the value of ghostwritten novels, autobiographies and autobiographical novels as mass-produced commodities, with its Intelligent Life supplement detailing the advances in computerised text generation.

The news is sure to devastate Ms Price’s cagefighter side of beef Alex Reid. “There is no way she would be sending those kind of messages with Alex in the room with her,” said an unnamed source at her public relations agency, “and I doubt he’ll be pleased. Until she explains to him in grunted monosyllables and a few pokes of the cattle prod the whys and wherefores of getting on front covers.”

Meanwhile, the now-uncovered news areas of politics, health care, world news and financial news have been swooped upon by the gossip magazines. The cover of Closer features the bags under Gordon Brown’s eyes over time, while Heat features the lesbian Icelandic prime minister’s old bikini shots. Both magazines said they were continuing to turn down paparazzi shots of Tony Blair, no matter how many he sent in.

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United Kingdom

CRB checks expanded to entire UK population

September 11, 2009 David Gerard Leave a comment

WHITEHOUSE, Whitehall, Friday (NNN) — The Government has announced that Criminal Records Bureau checking will be extended to every resident of the UK, for the urgent protection of the children and the relief of the national budget deficit.

“Statistically, the overwhelming majority of harm visited upon children is because of a relative,” said Ed Balls, Minister for Thinking of the Children. “But admitting that’s not electorally viable, so we have to blame unnamed predators. Preferably brown ones.”

The latest stage of NonceCheck™ will lead to 11 million people needing a certification that they have not, for example, been booked by a policeman for urinating in public or being gay or something. Giving children lifts to sport will also require certification.

“If the vetting and barring scheme stops just one child ending up a victim of a paedophile, then it will be worth it,” said Mr Balls. “Every council worker in the country being able to look up every detail of your life at their convenience and a general atmosphere of paranoia are just bonuses.”

The scheme will be extended into other areas. Obtaining a bank account will first require paying £64 to the CRB to prove that you are not and have not in the past been a bank robber, with only three to six months’ delay. Going to the supermarket will require a CRB certification that you do not inflict perversions upon vegetables. Buying a computer will require a CRB certification that you have never even heard of 4chan.

Further planned innovations include requiring a CRB check for breeding, with uncertified children to be put into care, and sex to be deemed consensual only upon the filing of a CRB check before each act of intercourse.

“We fully subscribe to the doctrine of ‘innocent until proven guilty,'” said Mr Balls. “We’ve just made it mandatory for you to buy certification of your innocence in advance.”

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Defence, Entertainment, Technology, United States

Apple saves world from Commodore 64 nuclear attack

September 10, 2009 David Gerard 1 Comment

DRAGON’S DEN, Cheyenne Mountain, Tuesday (NNGadget) — Despite months of negotiations to get a Commodore 64 emulator approved for the iPhone, Apple has pulled the application after just two days after a hack was found that enables the BASIC interpreter.

“Anything capable of allowing programming — any programming — could be a security risk to the iPhone and its users,” said Apple in a statement to the Library of Congress on copyright. “As such, it is absolutely vital for the safety of the nation that we vet every single application and collect 30% on each one.”

Apple software reviewers, who are generally moonlighting from day jobs as TSA airport security policy writers, fear a wave of 1980s-style “hackers” using the iPhone to “dial” into NASA or National Security Agency computers using the accompanying 300-Baud Acoustic-Coupled Modem application. “We had our suspicions when the app lit the user’s face from below in just the right shade of green to show off their cheekbones really photogenically.”

Reviewers were particularly concerned that the BASIC interpreter was originally written by Microsoft. “Of course, their security is famously terrible,” said one reviewer in a break from torturing kittens. “We’d probably get a Commodore 64 virus. And their sense of aesthetics! No way Steve would ever let that through.”

A similar Commodore 64 emulator that gives ten cents to AT&T every time a user runs a game has passed approval in two days.

“A strange phone,” said NSA correspondent “WOPR.” “The only winning move is not to buy.”

Politics, United States

Republican in “heterosexual” sex scandal

September 9, 2009 David Gerard 1 Comment

OLD GLORY HOLE, The Castro, Wednesday (NNN) — Michael Duvall, California Republican state assemblyman representing Orange County, has resigned his seat after being caught vividly describing lewd details about his trysts with a female lobbyist.

Duvall has insisted he is “not sexual” and that the female lobbyist he spoke of is “really a guy”. “I made up all of these stories! I have two children, so I’ve had sex, uh, that’d be twice. Republicans get married and we only think about money from then on. I swear.”

Many Republican groups are outraged. “If you’re going to break God’s covenant, do it good and hard,” said the Rev Ted Haggard. “None of this pussy-footing around. Geddit? See what I did there?”

Others were less concerned. “These people are implying that fucking a lobbyist with business in front of your committee looks like some sort of ‘corruption,'” said Mark Sanford. “Honi soit, dude. Honi soit.”

Gay groups welcomed the news, having long begged conservative politicians, ministers and commentators to, for the love of God, stop being gay. “Bathroom gropers,” said spokesfag Elle Lucius, “glory hole cocksuckers with herpes sores around their concealed mouths, shadowy men in tight Levis doing unspeakable things in piss-stinking alleys and on massage tables that light up like Christmas under blacklight … these things are all very well in their place. But those suits! That polyester! Dear God, can’t they afford better tailoring? Don’t these people have suburbs to go to?”

The Democratic gay contingent, the Log Cabin Democrats, have long had trouble pushing their point of view in their own party, with their strange and antisocial predilections for decades-long committed relationships rather than the furtive liaisons in airport bathrooms favored by the GOP.

Education, Politics, United States

Obama speech fills ears of mere children with vile propaganda

September 8, 2009 David Gerard 3 Comments

THE MANCUNIAN CANDIDATE, Kenyawaii, Tuesday (NNN) — Republican fears over Barack Obama’s back-to-school speech to students have not been quelled by the release of the text.

Mr Obama tells students to work hard, set goals, take responsibility for their own future, be self-reliant and diligently pursue the fruits of capitalism and free enterprise. “To hear this coming from a Democrat is obvious Communism,” said Glenn Beck on Fox News. “Obama is literally Stalin.”

“The speech was reasoned, sensible and apolitical,” said Oklahoma State Senator Steve Russell. “This is just an attempt to propagandise Obama as sane and normal, not as the slavering destroyer of humanity we know he is. They might see what he actually looks and talks like, not just what Fox says about him! You’d think we were in socialist North Kenya.”

Others have protested that Mr Obama’s advice to students to stay in school will only increase the possibility of exposure to liberal propaganda. In Minnesota, the state’s Association of School Administrators recommended against showing the president’s speech. “He didn’t scream abuse off-camera, swear unholy vengeance against his opponents or burst into tears once! What happens if students see a politician being calm and low-key talking about the future? They’ll think that’s how you talk about political matters! They’ll think there’s reasonable discussion with the enemy, grey areas, moral relativism. It’s just a short step from there to death panels voting on Kenyan gay marriages.”

“He credited the XBox and iPhone,” said Sarah Palin. “This is a clear attempt to further the Marxist agenda of Democrat Party liberals who’ve used evilution to grow thumbs.”

Health, Science, United Kingdom, United States

Placebos more effective than most new drugs

September 7, 2009 David Gerard 1 Comment

CRYSTAL CAULDRON, Goldacre, Monday (NotScientist) — The pharmaceutical industry is reeling from the news that more and more new drugs do no better than a placebo. Despite historic levels of industry investment in research and development, the FDA approved only 19 new drugs in 2007 and 24 in 2008.

The placebo effect has been little-understood. Trials in different countries and cultures can show different results. Ratings by trial observers can vary significantly from one test site to another. Advertising has conditioned people into thinking a little branded pill will make them all better.

“This throws R&D spending into significant doubt,” said Cylon Number Six of GlaxoSmithPfizerMonsanto. “It’s clear that marketing has always been the way to go, and that spending four times as much on marketing as research was the best thing we could possibly have done for humanity.”

Researchers are now going full steam to discover new forms of nothingness to apply to new diseases. Explorers have been sent into the Amazonian rainforest to find new plant species to dilute to the point of no molecules of the original being present. Traditionally ineffective tribal remedies from around the world have been patented in Western countries. “If ‘4’33″’ can be copyrighted, we can patent the placebo gene!” The treatments will be publicised in the new Elsevier journal, The Australasian Journal of Nothing Whatsoever.

Homeopaths are up in arms at the pharmaceutical industry “muscling in on our territory,” said Ravenwoo Granola of the Specialist Homeopathic Institute of Technology. “We developed the finest, most refined and provably harmless snake oil in existence! There’s nothing homeopathy can’t cure! Er, there’s nothing that isn’t brought to us for consideration and helping the patient trigger the placebo effect themselves. A snip at £5.99 a bottle and fifty quid a consultation! And we absolutely proved it harmless! We did double-blind tests against placebo … Bugger.”

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Technology, United States

Microsoft arranges spontaneous house parties for Windows 7 launch

September 4, 2009 David Gerard 10 Comments

LAKE WASHINGTON BLVD. E., Seattle, Friday (NNGadget) — In preparation for the stupendous launch of Microsoft Windows %NEXT_VERSION% in October, Microsoft is organising a detailed word-of-mouth push.

“Astroturfing word of mouth is routine, don’t worry,” said Cylon Number Six from Waggener Edstrom. “We’ve been careful to get all our partners and MVPs on the case. Here’s the invitation:”

Dear INSERT NAME HERE,

Come to our supar l33t party! It’ll have “balloons” and “games” and “family friendly” fun and really easy setting up, nudge nudge, wink wink! Plug and play, my friend. Plug and play. Don’t forget your … anti-virus. If you know what I mean. And I think you do.

The hosts of the best Windows 7 House Parties will win a free copy of Windows 7 Ultimate Signature Edition. The runners-up will get a leftover copy of Vista.

The Windows 7 drinking game will include:

One shot for every “ethnic” face in an install graphic.
An extra shot if it’s pasted over the head of a white person.
One shot for every white face pasted over the head of a non-white person.
One shot for every program with the Office 2007 “ribbon” toolbar stuck on it completely inappropriately.
One shot for every exciting “new” feature that’s been in Mac OS and Linux for the past five years.
An extra shot if the exciting “new” feature’s been in Mac OS and Linux for the past ten years.
One shot every time you reboot during the install.
One shot every time the system asks to reboot just because it feels like it.
Two shots every time it reboots even though you said “no.”
Drain the bottle if there’s an actual feature that makes Windows 7 so much better than sticking with XP that you’ll spend actual money to get it.
A bitter mouthful every time the system blue-screens.

“There’s a party in your ass,” said Number Six, “and we’re going to … I’m sorry, I picked up the wrong cue sheet. The Wow™ starts NOW! Hold on … Windows 7! It sucks less! Honest! Yeah, that’s the one.”

Media, Technology, United States

OS deathmatch: Snow Leopard vs Windows 7

August 31, 2009 David Gerard Leave a comment

I’M A BLIGHT ON HUMANITY, Get Me Out Of Here, Saturday (NNGadget) — It’s August, the best of times when you’re a space-filler generator in IT journalism, as every other media outlet turns into a gaping void at least as bad as ourselves. This leads to the inevitable debate: which is the best operating system, Windows 7 or Snow Leopard?

Operating system name: Windows 7 gets lots of page hits and comments from individual Microsoft fans who, it’s true, just happen to be employed by Microsoft’s PR company, but are completely independent in their thinking. Snow Leopard attracts Apple cultists, freshly charged from reading a novel-length apologia at RoughlyDrafted and all set to refute perceived calumnies and smite the unbeliever. Either is great for the ad banner exposure. Tie.

Upgrading: Windows 7 has an insanely complicated upgrade graph, whereas Snow Leopard’s is: “put the disk in the computer.” The former is way better for extended articles on how it’s even easier to do a complicated Windows upgrade process by hand than it was going from XP to Vista and saves us lots of work thinking of things to write. Apple just fail to provide us material. Advantage: Windows 7.

Presentation: Windows 7 has the thoroughly reworked taskbar and the beautiful fonts and polish of Vista. Mac OS X has minor variations on the same interface it’s had for eight years. Windows 7 looks just way more exciting in screenshots in tech press articles. Advantage: Windows 7.

Improvements: Microsoft made Windows 7 as backwards-compatible with Vista as possible, down to application performance and memory usage. They did dazzling things with the presentation of all this functionality, putting everything you use every day into exciting new places, with helpful new names. Apple, on the other hand, focused largely on internal plumbing and security. It’s just dull, boys. How are we supposed to puff this up? C’mon, meet us half way here. Advantage: Windows 7.

Price: The Windows 7 Home Premium upgrade is $120 on Amazon, whereas Snow Leopard is $29. Apple just aren’t putting enough value on their products. Do you want people thinking it’s just cheap garbage? Advantage: Windows 7.

Enterprise readiness: No-one ever got fired for buying Microsoft. If you get a Mac, however, your co-workers will conspire against you and probably steal it. With Windows 7, you can be sure no-one else will ever want to touch your computer. Advantage: Windows 7.

System configuration: Microsoft gave me this laptop with only eight CPU cores and 16 gigabytes of memory to show just how good Windows 7 was on such low-end hardware. We had to buy a Mac to do this test on, because Apple just didn’t understand the promotional advantages of giving me a shiny new 17″ MacBook just because I wanted one. So I got a second-hand Mac Mini for a fair comparison. It’s clear that Microsoft understand the needs of modern information technology journalism perfectly. They also sent over their PR people Candy, Brandi and Bimbi to help me with my Windows setup all last night. Apple just completely don’t get it. Advantage: Windows 7.

a smashed keyboard full of hope and wonder