DAWKINS, Barking, Wednesday (NNN) — An executive has won the right to sue his employer on the basis that he was unfairly dismissed for his views after a judge ruled that his delusions of competence had the same weight in law as religious and philosophical beliefs under the 2003 Religion and Belief Regulations.
The unnamed executive is firmly convinced of his own superior workplace abilities and business and people management skills, despite the huge weight of evidence against such conclusions. His wife also testified as to his unsubstantiable belief in his superior musical taste and his faith-based dress sense. In a rare concession to reality, the man is under no illusion as to what little shits his children are.
Judge Michael Burton laid down a series of tests regarding such beliefs:
- The belief must be genuinely held;
- It must be a belief and not a mere opinion or view related to anything substantiable;
- It must relate to a weighty and substantial aspect of human life, despite a total lack of evidence;
- It must appear at least slightly coherent on the surface;
- It must not be mere odious fuckwittery;
- It must be obviously gibbering bullshit to anyone not already agreeing with it.
Humanism was given as an example meeting the criteria, while belief in a political party, except the Liberal Democrats or Ukip, were offered as ones that do not.
“It is clear,” he said in summing up, “that if firms started firing their executives for the mere fact of utter blithering incompetence, business as we know it could not go on. If such a criterion hit the banking sector, it could lead to a complete collapse of the financial system as we know it. Oh, wait.”
Home Secretary Alan Johnson has said he will shortly be suing Professor David Nutt under these rules if the entire scientific population of Great Britain does not cease and desist immediately from oppressing him with mere facts.
