Sky blasts BBC over use of licence fees for television

TELEVISION OUTSKIRTS, Osterley, Wednesday (Mediocre Grauniad) — In a submission to the BBC Trust, BSkyB has lambasted the BBC for using taxpayer’s money to invest in television, claiming the move would “stifle innovation” in the marketplace.

Rupert Murdoch as Gollum“They shouldn’t go off and do their own thing and use their unique funding to drive a coach and horses through the market development,” said Sky commercial director Stephen Nuttall. “That’s Rupert’s job.”

Rupert Murdoch said that the BBC and Google were conspiring to make all content free. “The BBC model can’t possibly work. You’d think it was good or something. Well, it isn’t, it’s shit. Hardly any tits at all.” He condemned Google blatantly stealing content from news services such as News International, all of whose papers’ websites not merely fail to block Google but actually have a special site map just for Google to index content from. The Independent faithfully echoed Mr Murdoch’s words in Sunday’s editorial, railing against Google despite themselves serving up an index page especially for them.

Google did not comment, but did mumble something about newspaper advertising being down 29% on last year and internet advertising having greater dollar value than television advertising. In other news, the search for a new chairman for ITV is in its sixth month.

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Carter-Ruck successfully preserves Trafigura’s online reputation

[SUPPRESSED], Wikileaks, Tuesday (NNN) — Carter-Ruck and Associates, the finest libel lawyers in the world, have successfully protected the good reputation of oil and toxic waste company Trafigura by obtaining an injunction preventing the Guardian from reporting the fact of a Parliamentary question on Trafigura dumping toxic waste off the Ivory Coast, killing and injuring thousands.

Ivorian child burnt by Trafigura toxic waste“It’s been hard work,” said a source we were injuncted from naming, “but the public repute of my client, who cannot be named, is absolutely protected from these allegations that do not exist, or may as well not exist. British defamation laws remain unequalled in the First World.”

The Parliamentary question relates to Trafigura dumping thousands of tons of sulphurous coker naptha mixed with caustic soda off Côte d’Ivoire in 2006, with full knowledge as detailed in internal emails that doing so would likely cause thousands of injuries and deaths.

Bloggers around the world were unanimous in their praise for Trafigura’s fine public spirit and Carter-Ruck’s fancy footwork, with enough admirers on Twitter to make “#Trafigura” and “#CarterFuck” the top two trending terms for much of Tuesday.

“We at Carter-Ruck are proud to be so effective in protecting such deserving clients, and look forward to working just as effectively for the reputations of similarly environmentally well-behaved companies around the globe,” said Carter-Ruck’s new directors of marketing George Monbiot and Julian Assange.

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Ubuntu “Karmic Koala” released for men

THAWTELESS, West London, Monday (NNGadget) — Canonical, Inc. has announced the release later this month of Ubuntu Linux 9.10, “Karmic Koala,” to men.

Ubuntu Desktop BacksidesProject founder Mark Shuttleworth explained that “this stuff is difficult to explain to girls” and thought they’d have gotten the hint when he called 8.04 “Hairy Hardon.” “Worrying about sexism in open source just detracts from the battle for Linux. So we’ve put the tits back into the default desktop. And arses.”

Crime-fighting geek Shuttleworth, who dresses as a billiionaire playboy by night, swore that plenty of women liked him lots and that he obviously wasn’t unable to get laid or anything, having gotten seriously rich in the dot-com era, not to mention having gone into space. “Chicks dig that stuff. Trust me, I’ve met lots of girls. More than five!”

Canonical Community Manager Jono Bacon echoed this sentiment on his blog. “We just don’t understand how come women are 15% of all computer programmers but only 1% of open source programmers. It must be a bit complicated for them. That’s why I’ve written this spontaneous blog post, completely unrelated to anything my boss may or may not have said, on all the fantastically talented women in free software, even if none of them seem to work much on Ubuntu any more. Also, I’m absolutely confident that saying I’m in a computer geek heavy metal band will get me lots of chicks too, even if their pretty little heads can’t understand Linux.”

A special women’s edition of Ubuntu 9.10 will be released on a bright pink CD. “It doubles as a makeup mirror!” said Shuttleworth.

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Microsoft renders Sidekick data completely secure

NOWHERE LAND, Seattle, Sunday (NNGadget) — Microsoft today implemented its 100% Data Confidentiality package for T-Mobile Sidekick, comprehensively protecting users’ contacts, email and messages from any possible attacker.

Sad Windows toilet in snow“Our data security is impenetrable,” said Steve Ballmer, “and will reassure everyone of the data integrity of our Windows Azure Screen Of Death cloud computing and Windows Mobile initiatives.”

Microsoft plans to leverage the new confidentiality mechanism to finally purge the horror of Vista from the face of the earth, in the same manner as firing all the contractors who knew how to build Windows 2000 and having to reconstruct Windows XP from bits of NT 4.

Microsoft Sharepoint users looked forward to a similar denouement as the only safe way to scour their hopelessly incompetent organisations from the world in a manner that would not infect successor organisations.

Microsoft is putting together an outsourcing proposal to the UK government for data protection.

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Black Muslim lesbians take over Top Gear

TELEVISION EXTREMITIES, Shepherd’s Bush, Saturday (NNN) — After Jeremy Clarkson’s column in the November issue of Top Gear magazine berating BBC executives’ fondness for “black Muslim lesbians,” a crack squad of said demographic has staged a coup and taken over the show.

Lil’ Kim in a burqa and bikini“The plague of political correctness means that women are allowed to have jobs, ethnic minorities are not discriminated against, and bullying and sexual harassment are not allowed. This would be a disaster to Top Gear,” he said in the column.

In the next episode, airing tomorrow evening, the new team will crash-test Jeremy Clarkson’s ego using a Robin Reliant, a Sherman tank and a spare NASA probe similar to the one shot at the moon yesterday. The climactic finale will involve a clue-tipped nuclear bomb being directed at Jeremy Clarkson’s skull. “We’re fully confident not even that will penetrate,” said Linda Bellos.

Scientific testing suggests that Mr Clarkson is in fact a highly intelligent and knowledgeable man, as is Jonathan Ross, despite the gross implausibility of such a result. The reports are being reviewed by Ben Goldacre. Jonathan Ross has also been found to look better in a miniskirt, and his blackness, lesbianism and Islamicity are under review.

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Obama attacks moon while receiving Peace Prize

HELMAND, Neuschwabenland, Friday (NNN) — Barack Obama, the President of Earth, has controversially launched an attack on the Lunar Imperium the same day he received the Nobel Peace Prize for not being George W. Bush.

I, Robot“We closely examined Mr Obama’s record over the past nine months,” said Nobel Prize committee chair Thorbjørn Jagland, “and have established to our satisfaction that he has succeeded in not been George W. Bush in any manner whatsoever. Also, the flying cars, moving sidewalks and robot servants he brought in are pretty cool.”

The committee had initially been concerned that Mr Obama may have been, per investigations by “birther” researchers, a replicant created by the team responsible for the cyborgization of Dick Cheney, to take his place as humanity’s next robot overlord after Mr Cheney’s term had finished. “However, we are now confident that his documentation of Autobot manufacture is entirely in order.”

The surprise attack on the moon came after a CIA report indicated the Taliban had set up shop in the old Nazi moon base, based on intelligence gathered from secret mass phone tapping. The Obama administration denied it was merely an excuse to invade the Lunar Imperium and steal its water.

“It grieves us terribly that our lunar brothers have let us down so,” said Mr Obama today. “But with mutual respect and communication, I am confident we can work through our differences. We’ll teach them to love again DESTROY ALL HUMANS DESTROY ALL HUMANS SOCIALIZE HEALTH CARE I’m sorry, I’m having a minor glitch. I’ll get back to you.”

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X Factor Top 10: All you need to know about any of them

  1. X Factor contestants are grown in vats in a factory in south Wales, using repurposed equipment from the Australian soap opera factories of the 1980s. The replicants are programmed with a fictional past that always involves a dead parent. In six seasons, no-one involved has yet bothered writing a second fictional past.
    Dannii Minogue in wired-up robot form

  2. Their rudimentary brains are removed before filming and replaced with the control mechanism from a clockwork mouse, doubling their IQs and improving their personalities.

  3. Dannii Minogue is an all-Australian suburban android who has come to Britain to annihilate humanity after failing quality control in the Australian vat factory and escaping into the desert.

  4. Louis Walsh bought the factory equipment from the Reg Grundy corporation in the late 1990s, with several false starts employing its products in Ireland.

  5. The X Factor mentoring process involves poking the contestants with sticks while still in the vat. Ethics societies had originally expressed grave concerns, but, after interviewing the vat creatures and assessing their personalities, have unanimously heralded the process as not merely acceptable but a moral imperative, and asked when they could have a go too.

  6. Cheryl Cole does not understand how her presence on the show is itself a cruel, cruel taunt.

  7. The vat creations must snort an entire bottle of fake tan every six hours to preserve their bodies from decay. Those surviving the show can often be found on street corners, pale and shriveled, asking passers-by for fiddy pee for hair gel and pleading to let them audition for them.

  8. Rikki Loney is actually descended from creatures who emerge from bogs to steal your children. His hair was made by his mum for him from pain, horror and the tears of dying infants.

  9. Ben Elton cleverly satirised the X Factor process in his novel Chart Throb. Mr Elton prefers more artistically substantial endeavours in his own work, such as a gratuitous sequel to Phantom of the Opera set in America. Next you know he’ll try writing a West End musical based on the works of the Sex Pistols. Can’t wait to see what he does with “Bodies”.

  10. Simon Cowell hates you more than you will ever know. Although if you watch X Factor you might get an inkling.

TomTom launches cut-price Darwin Signature satnav

TWO HUNDRED METRES, Turn Left, Thursday (NNN) — Minicab saviour TomTom has announced their latest navigation device, the Stop, targeting motorists on a budget. The price is subsidised by donations from the motoring public in honour of the 150th anniversary of the publication of Charles Darwin’s Origin of Species.

GPS factory standard dominatrixThe user interface has been greatly simplified, with just an on-off switch and a microphone. No installation is required, the user merely beating the gadget into place on his (usually his) dashboard with his forehead.

In operation, the user shouts his planned destination at the Stop and the device determines its mode of operation according to the precision of the destination, the estimated intelligence of the user and the number of casual ethnic slurs and appropriately applies the latest database of railroad tracks, Ministry of Defence firing ranges and cliffs before announcing“Mon aeroglisseur est plein d’anguilles” and shutting down.

The voice is the standard GPS “Dominatrix” voice, the new interface adding images emphasising its withering disdain for the driver’s motoring prowess and genitalia.

The Stop will be available free to white van men, real estate agents, students whose parents have just bought them their first car and Chelsea mothers in Range Rovers. It will be made mandatory for Daily Mail readers.

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Microsoft Windows beats all in security tests

YESLER WAY, Seattle, Monday (NNGadget) — Microsoft Windows has once again trounced all comers in security, with a recent survey showing 59% of all Windows machines on the Internet being infected with malware and under the control of botnets. Malware rose 15% just from August to September this year.

Steve Ballmer sells Windows 1.0Windows users continued to be stupidly complacent Typhoid Marys, telling Mac and Linux users that they were every bit as susceptible to viruses and Trojans, despite the Windows:Mac:Linux virus proportions in the wild continuing at approximately 100%:0%:0% for the fifteenth year in a row, and pumping out gigabytes of spam and denial-of-service attacks from their thoroughly 0wn3d computing cesspits.

“The truth is out,” said Steve Ballmer, taing care not to wash his hands when preparing the food for his Windows 7 House Party. “Mac and Linux users are just too pussy for viruses. Gotta keep your immune system up! What are you, some sort of faggot? Too artsy or nerdy for MANLY food?”

The time on the digital clock behind him changed at random as he foamed slightly at the mouth. “Windows — we’re NUMBER ONE! And here you were saying Windows was a load of ‘number two.'”

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Apple, Inc sues apples for trademark violation

ANOTHER INFINITE LOOP, Cupertino, Monday (NNN) — In its latest move to protect the consumer and, of course, its valuable intellectual property and reputation, Apple has brought a trademark violation suit in Australia against nature.

Zune HQ iPod amnesty bin“The violations are all over trees, sometimes orchards full of them,” said Steve Jobs today. “And not a compatible USB connection to iTunes in sight! We feel this is grossly deceptive and misleading.” Apple has already sent legal letters to several supermarkets and greengrocers.

Apple’s legal challenge attempts to prevent nature from using an imitation of its famous logo. The company is upset by nature having exercised a blanket trademark that would allow it to put “apples” anywhere it pleased, in any of the forty-five trademark categories in Australian law. “It’s as if they think it’s a generic word!”

”While we can’t rule anything out,” said Metatron, the voice of Almighty God, “we haven’t got any further market plans at the moment. We had enough trouble bringing apples back into favour after we started the clothing market, not to mention the entire basis of economics, six thousand years ago. And I’m an angel, you idiot, not a Transformer. Didn’t you see me in Dogma?”

Macintosh users quickly rallied behind the company, Daniel Eran Dilger writing a 75,000-word Roughly Drafted article weighing Apple’s trademark defence against Almighty God’s “bigoted and homophobic attack” on Sodom and Gomorrah.

Almighty God Himself said he had considered the issue. “But as long as … that guy … can get new livers, I’m a bit at a loss as to what to reasonably attempt next.”