‘United States’ Archives
Windows 7 party video snatches defeat from the jaws of victory
YESLER WAY, Seattle, Friday (NNGadget) — Office supply company Microsoft has reassured consumers and industry analysts that its decline will continue with the new video on how to run a Windows 7 house party, whose "viral" nature goes beyond "herpes" or "swine flu" to "SARS." Originally thought to be a devastating satirical spoof before [...]
G20: Financial crisis response “worked for us”
HECK, Pennsylvania, Friday (NNN) — Leaders of the world's biggest economies have announced that they have won the financial crisis fight. "It worked," declared the Group of 20, "and will keep us in power long enough." The April G20 meeting declared that the world economy was "facing its greatest challenge in our generation. We must do [...]
Biotech stocks plummet in wake of public health policies that favor humans
OVER 60 MILLION GOT SERVED, Just Over The Border, Wednesday (NNN) — Biotechnology companies banking on a severe swine flu pandemic were shocked this week when US health officials approved four H1N1 vaccines, triggering a selloff in the sector. "This is outrageous fiscal irresponsibility from the Democrat Party," said analyst Brian Adams. "A [...]
Yet another amazing Bush Whitehouse tell-all released
COLORING SECTION, Bush Presidential Library, Monday (NNN) — President George W. Bush's former speechwriter Matt Latimer reveals all in a new book, Speech-Less: Tales of a White House Apologist, about what George W. Bush was really like in power. "His perception and ability were truly amazing," said Latimer. "He got so much stuff so [...]
Microsoft Bob Hope gains “visual search” feature
WHAT'S ON THE SLAB, Steampunk Seattle, Monday (NNGadget) — Microsoft is improving its stratospherically successful "decision engine," Bob Hope, with a feature that allows you to "visual search" on "web" "sites." "This is what happens at the cutting edge of research, y'know," said marketing marketer Yusuf Mehdi at the Tech Crunch 50 [...]
Apple saves world from Commodore 64 nuclear attack
DRAGON'S DEN, Cheyenne Mountain, Tuesday (NNGadget) — Despite months of negotiations to get a Commodore 64 emulator approved for the iPhone, Apple has pulled the application after just two days after a hack was found that enables the BASIC interpreter. "Anything capable of allowing programming — any programming — could be a [...]
Republican in “heterosexual” sex scandal
OLD GLORY HOLE, The Castro, Wednesday (NNN) — Michael Duvall, California Republican state assemblyman representing Orange County, has resigned his seat after being caught vividly describing lewd details about his trysts with a female lobbyist. Duvall has insisted he is "not sexual" and that the female lobbyist he spoke of is "really a [...]
Obama speech fills ears of mere children with vile propaganda
THE MANCUNIAN CANDIDATE, Kenyawaii, Tuesday (NNN) — Republican fears over Barack Obama's back-to-school speech to students have not been quelled by the release of the text. Mr Obama tells students to work hard, set goals, take responsibility for their own future, be self-reliant and diligently pursue the fruits of capitalism and free [...]
Placebos more effective than most new drugs
CRYSTAL CAULDRON, Goldacre, Monday (NotScientist) — The pharmaceutical industry is reeling from the news that more and more new drugs do no better than a placebo. Despite historic levels of industry investment in research and development, the FDA approved only 19 new drugs in 2007 and 24 in 2008. The placebo effect has been [...]
Microsoft arranges spontaneous house parties for Windows 7 launch
LAKE WASHINGTON BLVD. E., Seattle, Friday (NNGadget) — In preparation for the stupendous launch of Microsoft Windows %NEXT_VERSION% in October, Microsoft is organising a detailed word-of-mouth push. "Astroturfing word of mouth is routine, don't worry," said Cylon Number Six from Waggener Edstrom. "We've been careful to get all our [...]
