‘Technology’ Archives
Skype relaunched as Windows Bing Voice™
BOLGIAS 8 AND 9, Seattle, Tuesday (NTN) — Microsoft remains on the bleeding edge of innovation with its completely new-from-the-ground-up Windows Bing Voice™ Internet phone platform, formerly known as Skype. Windows Bing Voice™ was developed entirely in-house at an acquisition cost of only $8.5 billion. "Our developer teams [...]
Super-injunctions “your best publicity value”
WEB 0.1, Cyberspice, Monday (NTN) — Several tedious Z-list celebrities have demanded Twitter user @injunctionsuper post details of their tawdry and squalid lives too. tweeted: "Rumur that I hv super-injunction preventing publication of 'intimate' photos of me n my bank account. NOT TRUE! Also, tits. FER FUXAKE PLS RT" The revelation [...]
Google, Facebook: “Do Not Track” laws mean terrorists win
CASHIER'S DESK, California Senate, Saturday (NTN) — The associations listed on this letter are writing to strongly oppose California Senate Bill 761. It would create an unnecessary, unenforceable and unconstitutional regulatory burden, as our products could get uppity and want "privacy." The measure would negatively affect products who [...]
Sony: It was Anonymous, honest guv
GUTEN TAG, Wii Gehts, Wednesday (NTN) — Sony has revealed that the Playstation Network security breach, which compromised 24.6 million credit cards, was entirely the work of evil hackers from Anonymous, and nothing to do with their own incompetence, honest. "We discovered a file making a clear reference to 'Username unknown,'" the company [...]
Microsoft Office 365 sees you’re trying to write a letter
SCHESTOWITZ, Newham, Tuesday (NTN) — Office 365, Microsoft's pay-as-you-go answer to Google Docs, delivers the same delight you're used to from Office on your PC, only slower and clunkier and only working on Internet Explorer. Remember Internet Explorer? Of course you do! Microsoft Online Services have marketed Office 365 directly to your [...]
Ubuntu Vista 11.04 defies expectations
THAWTELESS, Star City, Monday (NNGadget) — Canonical, Inc. has announced the release of Ubuntu 11.04, "Venereal Vista," based on the Unity Vista desktop, which only 5 out of 11 first-time users managed to crash in final testing two weeks ago. Unity is Canonical's response to the GNOME 3 shell, which uses 1 gigabyte of RAM and four [...]
Mind-buggeringly useless expensive gadget delayed
HAMMERSMITH ODEOUS, Android Market, Friday (NTN) — The £500 LG Optimus 3D, the world's first 3D smartphone, has been delayed until June, possibly due to 3D on a phone being stupendously pointless rubbish that doesn't work. 3D technology has been the next big thing for only the last sixty years and is readily available on television, [...]
Virgin Media to sell 1.5 gigabit Internet to complete cocks
TELLYHOUSE, Cable and Witless, Wednesday (NTN) — Virgin Media will shortly trial 1.5Gbps cable Internet, but only to festering dot-com media cocks who live actually around Shoreditch itself. "As the pace of technological change increases," said the ISP in the press release all the papers copied word for word, "it is vitally important to [...]
Europe simulates total cyber war
WEB 0.1, Cyberspice, Saturday (NTN) — The European Union has run a simulated "cyber attack," in which simulated outsourcing companies strike mortal blows upon national budgets for consulting fees for "cyber security" while still using Windows. The simulation steadily reduced access to critical services to gauge how nations react, removing [...]
Newspaper website “troll” punished
PAGE 3, Channel 5, Saturday (NTN) — An "internet troll" who posted offensive messages on the World Wide Web has been revealed to be the Daily Mail. The Mail "preyed on bereaved families" for its "own pleasure", the Press Complaints Council heard. The paper was charged with sending malicious communications that were grossly offensive. [...]
