DAS BUNKER, London SW1A 0AA,, Tuesday (NTN) — Prime Minister Gordon Brown will promote a new voting system, in only slight desperation to hold onto the tattered remnants of power by any even vaguely plausible means.

The new Alternative Vote system will involve votes for Labour being counted as Labour, votes for the Tories being counted as Labour, votes for the BNP being counted as Monster Raving Loony and votes for the Lib Dems being counted as silly.

“This is part of a ‘new politics’ that will restore public trust damaged by the expenses controversy,” he said. “We can steal an election on the cheap just as effectively. See, we shuffle this vote over here. Ministers schedule debates here. This vote goes over here and is counted by the policy-based mathematician we just put into the Lords and made Minister for Hyperspatial Arithmetic. Then Peter practices his ballroom dancing on the bleached skulls of those who were foolish enough to object last time. Nothing can possibly go wrong!”

Parliament was actually surprised that the plans involved giving less power to Parliament and more to ministers parachuted into the Lords.

“I will serve a full term when, I mean if, re-elected,” said Mr Brown. “You can be sure I will be here for the full five years. Heck, we might not even need to have an election next time. Or the time after. So Peter says, anyway. I’m sure you trust him as much as I do.”

THE WINTER PALACE, On The Skids, Wednesday (NTN) — The identity card trial in Manchester has announced “stunning success,” with almost 1300 of the three million people in Greater Manchester having applied. Also, tractor production is up 500 per cent.

The number works out to 43 applicants per day for the new identity card, guaranteed to be a completely functional replacement for the standard British passport except the bit where any other country accepts it as one and an ironclad proof of age except if you want to have a barman actually know what the hell it is and not think it’s something you printed at home. Advertising the new card cost only £500,000, just £385 for each applicant. The number of applicants closely correlated with the number of Home Office staff working in the Greater Manchester area.

The process is modeled on the online application system for a standard passport, in which you fill in the information on a web page, the office prints out the information on a filled-in form, then post it to you, then you sign it and send it back. “Obviously that’s far too straightforward, I mean, prone to fraud,” said junior Home Office minister Meg Hillier. “We need a few more steps in there. And the concomitant staff.”

Mrs Hillier said that 439,000 Mancunians had applied for standard passports in the same time period, though she could not offer a breakdown of numbers per area of Manchester, as that would require being able to keep track of the addresses of passport applicants. “Deadly secret,” she said, tapping her nose. “Data protection. If I told you I’d have to bore you to death.”