SOMEWHERE, Er, Hold On A Tick, desu desu desu! (NNN) — US research suggests that mental powers start to dwindle at 27 after peaking at 22, marking the start of old age. As usual, the Internet is to blame.

Professor Timothy Salthouse found reasoning, spatial visualisation and speed of thought all decline when the brain is sufficiently full of puns, memes, lolcats, favourite porn sites and burnout from dealing with idiots. “And then there’s b3ta, which appears to be composed entirely of prions.”

To test mental agility, the study participants had to solve puzzles, recall words and story details and spot patterns in letters and symbols — without using a keyboard and mouse.

All participants failed dismally. “One started eating the desk. Others gibbered, screeched, masturbated furiously and flung their own faeces at the researchers through the bars.”

Professor Salthouse said that, apart from burning the Internet in a series of worldwide electromagnetic pulses — as it had been specifically designed with the aim of surviving being nuked from orbit — the most important thing now was to give him more funding. “Understanding more about how healthy brains decline could help us understand what goes wrong in serious diseases like Alzheimer’s. Now we just need to find someone on the Internet with a healthy brain.”

LANCETHRUST, Gruntfuttock, Tuesday (NNN) — Researchers disappointed millions of mediocre men today when they concluded that dosing your girlfriend with testosterone won’t get you lots of free sex either.

Procter & Gamble’s Hornymoma patch is prescribed to boost libido in women with hypoactive sexual desire disorder, which is defined as persistently diminished or absent desire for sex with medical researchers. Researchers said the patch’s effectiveness could not be proven, and that it also led to such side-effects as stroppiness, an uppity attitude and a really quite impressive right hook.

“The effects on my wife were not at all what I’d first pictured,” said Dr Ike Iheanacho, walking in with a waddle, tenderly rubbing his hindquarters and declining all offers of a chair.

Procter & Gamble said Hornymoma had been thoroughly tested and had been shown to be effective, giving their quarterly numbers a proud and vigorous response with lasting power.

BROOKER, Twatter.com, Thursday (NNN) — London will soon suffer an influx of cheap cocaine, making a line less than £1 — cheaper than a cup of coffee.

Drug experts have warned of “Nathan Barleys from horizon to horizon” as irritating and self-obsessed twats take drugs designed to enhance irritating self-obsessed twattery.

Starbucks has announced plans to fight back against the newcomer, with its new Double Venti Nonfat Decaf Organic Heroin Iced Vanilla Double-Shot PCP Nosecandyccino Caffeinated Detergent Extra Hot With Foam Whipped Methamphetamine Upside Down Double Blended, One Sweet’N Low, One Nutrasweet and One MDMA. The cocaine is guaranteed to be organically grown and Fairtrade™-certified. “A better deal for drug farmers.”

Economists are warning of a second dot-com new media revolution. “No money, just endless streams of droning voices talking about themselves at each other. It’ll be like the worst bits of 2000 all over again.”

“At least they won’t be able to get it up to reproduce,” said the International Narcotics Control Board. “Just talk for hours on end about how good it’ll be.”

Smokers, meanwhile, still huddled outside in the rain while random passers-by threw rotten tomatoes at them.