COURT ROAD, Tottenham, Friday (NTN) — Internet advertising agency Google is opening its first retail store, selling the Internet-only Chromebook.

“We’ve put a lot of effort into making it feel welcoming, homely and, dare I say it, ‘Googley’,” said Arvind Desikan, head of consumer marketing. The revolutionary shopping experience leverages Google’s famous abilities in customer service, having no staff. Customers seeking advice on a product can simply log in with their Google account to the in-store forum, where they and other customers can assist each other.

“People will be able to go in and have a play with the devices, so they can get a feel for what it’s about and we can monitor their reaction.” Persons seeking entry to the store must give their bank account name and glue an RFID tag to their forehead, so as to create a suitably decorous shopping environment, “just like in real life.” Should they be discovered to be using a name the Google Identity algorithm considers unlikely, they will be ejected mid-purchase and their GMail and Android phone disabled, for their comfort and convenience.

The store is in Tottenham Court Road, occupying a corner of the Church of Scientology, so as to select for the valuable demographic of people who want shiny things and are willing to pay a hundred quid more than they would for an ordinary netbook that does more. A second store will be opened in Lakeside for customers of similar discernment.

The Google store still anticipates more customers than the Microsoft stores. Rumours of the purchase of a Windows 7 phone somewhere in Britain are as yet unconfirmed, despite investigations by sceptics’ organisations.

CYBERPRION, Arsebook, September (times.co.uk) — The much-maligned British justice system was lauded the world over today as someone was actually jailed for being a drooling lackwit on the Internet.

Gene pool blight Joanne Fraill admitted researching the defendant she was trying as a juror, contacting the defendant during the case and telling the defendant about the jury’s deliberations. “It seemed like a good idea at the time. Lol.”

Fraill had previously come to police attention for seventeen “OMG”s, ten hopelessly misspelt status updates and, in an example the judge condemned as “one of the most egregious violations of human decency I can recall seeing,” rumours of over thirty YouTube comments.

The Internet has been hailed as the universal communication channel, allowing humanity to come together in cultural unity and mutual understanding, and bring the fruits of our collective idiocy to all. In our faces. Forever.

George Osborne announced plans to solve Britain’s economic woes with a special tax on Internet creationism, scientific racism and libertarianism, although the United States threatened to enact special laws to protect American bloggers’ constitutional right to be a fuckwit from British courts.

Despite some protests, which have been ignored for stupidity and incomprehensibility, the British public has enthusiastically embraced the moves, fully agreeing that it was about time we gave fascism a chance.

“When they came for the Trekkies, I said ‘Hey, you guys missed a couple. See, there’s one right over there.’ When they came for the spammers, I said ‘Glad to see my tax money at work!’ When they came for the AOL users, I said ‘October came late this year.’ When they came for the people who post their messages in txt spk, I said ‘So, you guys hiring anytime soon?'”