DERAIL REPLACEMENT BUS, Tranniesport For London, Wednesday (NTN) — An Associated Newspapers journalist dressed as a human was pushed under a train by everyone who had suffered the Daily Mail in the past two days.

The incident started with shouting and a scuffle as people pushed forward to be the one to throw the abomination under a train. The benighted and unnatural creature was dressed in clothes normally worn by people, as opposed to the foetid rags issued to staff by Northcliffe Media, and had applied choking quantities of perfume to cover the stench of moral decay. Other reporters covering the incident hypothesised the misbegotten object was on its way to a “party” at 6:37pm.

It was initially reported that an actual person had died, but fortunately the media was able to make it as clear as possible what a disgusting freak the “trans-human” so-called victim was. Prosecutors had tried to ban the publication of the victim’s name, saying it would cause a substantial risk of serious prejudice to any trial. Thankfully, British journalism is above any such petty considerations.

Police are seeking Julie Bindel to assist with their inquiries.

DAS BUNKER, Whopping, Tuesday (Mediocre Grauniad) — The Times has previewed its new paywall system, to keep readers, search engines and other criminals from using it to download cars, to the sound of champagne corks popping at the Guardian, Telegraph and BBC.

The newspaper will now require payment of £1 a day for its unique and high-quality editorial viewpoints, as taken from the Sun and rewritten in big words. The site also blocks anyone under 18 from registering, in order to keep the paper’s quality demographic aging nicely.

“I firmly support this move,” said everyday citizen on the street and certainly not Guardian editor at all Alan Rusbridger. “In fact, it should be ten pounds a day. Ten pounds a story. Then people will really see it as high-quality merchandise and not rewritten press releases and news feeds with Mr Murdoch dictating the editorial page.”

“It’s ours,” said James Murdoch, frothing slightly. “You thieving bastards steal our copyright every time you save a copy into your heads! Well, we’ll fix your little wagon. It’s a pound a day plus a pound a copy behind your eyes plus a pound a copy you talk about with anyone else plus a pound a copy just fucking because. It’s for me and Dad and you can just fuck off. And when we buy the BBC we won’t let you watch that either. Arseholes.”

“OK, the champagne is Thunderbird Sparkling,” said Mr Rusbridger. “Times are tough, you know. But I have complete faith we’re on the right path and the Times is doomed. I told ’em, I told ’em. Spare fiddy pee for a Polly Toynbee column? God bless you, sir!”

“I am one hundred percent behind paying for quality journalism,” said free culture activist Hiram Nerdboy, 17. “That’s why I just gave fifty quid to Wikileaks.”

EVERY DAY IS LIKE FRIDAY, The Pub, Thursday (NTN) — Journalists across Britain and the world excelled themselves with initially-plausible but unbelievable spoof stories today, including ones where Gordon Brown was prime minister.

The hilarious tales of improbable mirth have included all manner of jocular punchlines:

• “The Tories are putting forward George Osborne as their Chancellor.”
• “The Republicans are really that genuinely, certifiably batshit insane.”
• “Labour will push through a bill in the pre-election washup that shuts down the Internet because the record companies asked them to.”
• “Luscious Lucy, 19, of Sheppey, actually said the things she’s quoted with on page 3.”
• “Pope apologises over child abuse by priests, but blames the gays.”
• “The bankers are terribly sorry.”
• “Perth.”

“It’s terribly distracting,” said Robert Peston. “People could believe these things and tell all their friends on Twitter before they realise. In any case, ‘April Fools’ is a terribly unproductive drain on the economy and was probably invented by Polish asylum seekers.”

“There was one where I’d shut the Times down from Google,” said Rupert Murdoch, “but that was just too silly to put in.”