Coffee cure found for Daily Mail readership

Scientists from the Karolinska Institute in Stockholm have discovered that five cups of coffee a day can halve the risk of breast cancer in post-menopausal women, and have recommended the practice to the Daily Mail.

The study notes that the article the Mail ran was the usual fill-in-the-blanks cancer article, but that subscriptions were dropping off at a most gratifying rate, most from heart attacks, several from the strokes the Mail had written about coffee causing a few days earlier, and a few from spouting random rambling bigotry so fast their dentures melted.

People whose parents not only read the Mail but talk about it were shown to have a 57 per cent reduced risk of developing aneurysms from an excess of poisonous wretchedness.

Study co-author Per Hal has noted there is often conflicting information about the beneficial health effects of coffee. “However, the nagging old bat upstairs who gets her Daily Mail flown in every day and condemns me as a ‘foreigner’ and asks why I speak English with such a funny accent has been remarkably quiet of late. I wonder why that is. Not very hard, though.”

Tories rescue economy from workers’ “rights”

PRODUCTIVITY HOME, London EC1, Wednesday (NTN) — The Chancellor, George Osborne, will be “streamlining” employment regulation to revive the economy, having discovered that the recession was all the fault of the workers, rather than, e.g., the bankers.

New Waver’s office desk card “Current employment law contains too much bureaucracy,” said Mr Osborne. “Apparently you have to fill out paperwork before firing someone!”

Consumer confidence and willingness to spend will be hugely enhanced by consumers knowing they could be fired at five minutes’ notice for any reason or none. “Senior management are consumers too, you know.”

“Workplace relationships have changed dramatically over the last decade,” said the Confederation of British Industry, “with employees having become much more accustomed to eating shit for a living. It’s time the law reflected our donations to the Tories.”

With the abolition of the retirement age, workers will no longer require pensions, having been given the completely free choice, as empowered and independent participants in society, to keep slogging away until six months past the point of actual death.

The Liberal Democrats stressed that they would moderate the proposals in a “muscular and visible” manner, strictly rationing the number of children to become chimney sweeps to a mere 95% of Tory proposals.

Labour said the proposals would make working life less secure, but somehow having Ed Miliband plead the workers’ case didn’t give anyone a sense of reassurance.

Skype relaunched as Windows Bing Voice™

BOLGIAS 8 AND 9, Seattle, Tuesday (NTN) — Microsoft remains on the bleeding edge of innovation with its completely new-from-the-ground-up Windows Bing Voice™ Internet phone platform, formerly known as Skype.

Microsoft Zune “Anus” logoWindows Bing Voice™ was developed entirely in-house at an acquisition cost of only $8.5 billion. “Our developer teams know the meaning of confidentiality,” said Steve Ballmer. “Heck, even they didn’t know it was Skype until today. That’s how, uh, stealth we are.”

The new Windows Bing Voice™ client will be included with Windows Phone 7, Office 365, Kin and Zune. “Microsoft will continue to invest in and support Skype clients on non-Microsoft platforms! On a case by case time and availability basis, of course. We’ll give our Mac Business Unit developer details for Windows Bing Voice™ 2011 Ultimate Edition™ by 2013, for sure.”

Service is expected to remain “at 100%” as the server infrastructure is moved from Linux to Windows, though Microsoft has not specified what that will be 100% of. The peer-to-peer functionality of Skype will also be harnessed to distribute Windows updates and Windows Genuine Advantage serial number blacklists.

Google said that the Google Voice servers were “holding up well” under the influx of new users.

Super-injunctions “your best publicity value”

WEB 0.1, Cyberspice, Monday (NTN) — Several tedious Z-list celebrities have demanded Twitter user @injunctionsuper post details of their tawdry and squalid lives too.

Danielle Lloyd[REDACTED] tweeted: “Rumur that I hv super-injunction preventing publication of ‘intimate’ photos of me n my bank account. NOT TRUE! Also, tits. FER FUXAKE PLS RT”

The revelation that decent British people can read things on Internet services that aren’t even based in the UK has left celebrities and politicians shocked, shocked that people actually have ways of gaining information that aren’t filtered through the hamstrung UK print press. “Clearly,” said minister for Culture, Communications and Creative Industries Ed Vaizey, “we need to protect our valuable pop music and football industries with a Great Firewall of Britain without delay.”

“In the modern world of the Internet, the secret or super-injunction may no longer be an effective tool in the administration of justice,” said BBC legal correspondent Clive Coleman, in an attempt on the world record for fatuity.

“We tried to bugger the Internet last year,” said Peter Mandelson, “but did you listen?”

A spokesman for Wikipedia suggested that journalists looking for space-filler stories just fuck off until August as usual.

Google, Facebook: “Do Not Track” laws mean terrorists win

CASHIER’S DESK, California Senate, Saturday (NTN) — The associations listed on this letter are writing to strongly oppose California Senate Bill 761. It would create an unnecessary, unenforceable and unconstitutional regulatory burden, as our products could get uppity and want “privacy.”

Google SauronThe measure would negatively affect products who have come to expect fun browser games and free services through the Internet, at the mere price of their DNA and that of their first-born. Additionally, it would make them more vulnerable to security threats. (We thought we’d throw that one in even though we have no idea how that would work.)

California law already provides a number of significant privacy protections for products to protect their sensitive personal information, at least on the books even if they can’t use them against us.

Products can easily opt out of the collection of data. The four leading Internet browsers all provide user-friendly filtering options that block the ability of companies to collect data or track products’ Internet use, even though that’s a complete red herring since we keep all the good stuff on our servers and sell it to each other.

The bill would harm California’s Internet economy and innovation, which absolutely relies on the business model of “1. Brutally sodomise products’ personal privacy; 2. Sell ads.” We also vaguely threaten to fire everyone we employ, just as if we don’t have ridiculously profitable businesses already and can easily afford to employ everyone we have work for.

The bill gratuitously singles out advertising companies for special regulation, just because we deal in egregious violations daily. We think you should look to the video game companies too. Opt-in consent is not a viable compliance route for most tracking models, as we know damn well the products wouldn’t give us the serial codes to their souls if we actually asked them.

The bill has recently become even more extreme, imposing a free-standing flat ban on any covered entity sharing or transferring any covered information, for any purpose at all. This provision is clearly bin Laden-inspired communism and must be removed. Our selling each other the data is, of course, free enterprise as the Founders intended. We might as well just shut down Google tomorrow! Really! We’ll find ONE MILLION PEOPLE WHO HATE THIS BILL ON FACEBOOK. See if we don’t.

Pentagon releases bin Laden home movies

HOLLYWOOD, Washington, Saturday (NTN) — The Pentagon has released the home videos of Osama bin Laden, “a collection to horrify and stultify the hardest heart.”

The tapes include bin Laden at Alton Towers with his children in the late 1990s, dealing with several screaming toddlers, shouting that if they did not behave they would be going home right now and there would be no ice cream for anyone and swearing that “this place and all such manifestations of Western decadence shall be scoured from the face of the earth.”

Others include shaky-cam video of bin Laden and family in front of the Twin Towers in New York, in which video he clips one of the kids around the ear for being a brat and swears a similar oath of destruction, and a tediously-narrated clip of one of the children using the potty for the first time.

Middle-aged fathers the world around viewed the clips in tears and came to a new understanding, deep within their hearts, of the forces driving radical jihadism.

The Pentagon hopes to study the films for security information. “Another video shows him watching the tape of the child on the potty,” says a spokesman. “From his face, we suspect the next Al-Qaeda target would have been the Sony factory in Japan.”

A spokesman for Alton Towers noted that, as Satanically cursed ground upon which no joy could grow and which was invulnerable to the slights and arrows of mere pathetic mortals, the amusement park would remain open and operational for this summer and all summers for the foreseeable future. “Muwaaaahahahaha,” he added.

Sex and coffee make strokes “the new cancer”

GOLDACRE, Moron Piers, Friday (NTN) — New results showing strokes could be caused by coffee, sex or blowing your nose were hailed by the tabloid media as the “new cancer.”

The study on 250 patients identified eight risk factors linked to bleeding on the brain: sex, coffee, nose-blowing, Nick Clegg, Tories, mind-buggering stupidity, the Daily Mail and being related to its readers.

Associated Newspapers have long worried at the decline in the market for things that could possibly cause cancer. Scare stories on strokes — starting at everyday things and progressing to everything — could make up the difference.

“For the general population our findings on strokes do not apply,” said the original researcher, Dr Monique Vlak, though that bit was inexplicably left out of any of the newspaper reports.

The Mail is now seeking out researchers at second-string universities in need of publicity for a mutually advantageous relationship establishing that strokes can be caused by homosexuals, swan-eating Eastern Europeans, declines in house prices and not buying the Daily Mail.

They feel their position is particularly strong with Richard Littlejohn on hand to give their readers’ brains a taste of what might befall them.

Sony: It was Anonymous, honest guv

GUTEN TAG, Wii Gehts, Wednesday (NTN) — Sony has revealed that the Playstation Network security breach, which compromised 24.6 million credit cards, was entirely the work of evil hackers from Anonymous, and nothing to do with their own incompetence, honest.

“We discovered a file making a clear reference to ‘Username unknown,'” the company said in a letter to the US Congress on Wednesday, “and a blank user icon which therefore was … anonymous! D’you see what that means? It means George Hotz and his hacker friends are loathsome criminal masterminds! So obviously we can’t be held liable for negligence in the face of forces like these. In conclusion, give us money.”

The letter details the company’s actions over the past two weeks. It says Sony acted with “care and caution” in deciding how to act and how long it thought it could get away without telling anyone. “We did not want to cause confusion and cause customers to take unnecessary actions, such as stopping their credit card payments to us.”

“We have suffered a very carefully planned, very professional, highly sophisticated criminal cyberattack, which has led to people committing the heinous hate crime of jailbreaking their PS3s. In accordance with our campaign contributions, we ask that you impose the death penalty for such offenses.”

The letter concluded that the breakin was quite definitely the work of Anonymous. “We were going to blame Al-Qaeda, but we figured after Monday that you probably wouldn’t buy that.”

Microsoft Office 365 sees you’re trying to write a letter

SCHESTOWITZ, Newham, Tuesday (NTN) — Office 365, Microsoft’s pay-as-you-go answer to Google Docs, delivers the same delight you’re used to from Office on your PC, only slower and clunkier and only working on Internet Explorer. Remember Internet Explorer? Of course you do!

Clippy all the wayMicrosoft Online Services have marketed Office 365 directly to your bosses, who have little people like you to do all the bits that involve actually touching a computer. It promises a fully integrated solution to your daily working needs, with the reliability of Hotmail and Sidekick. That is, it promises it to your IT department, who can now inflict ribbon toolbars on your system without you even having to reboot.

The application monitors your daily activity for increased efficiency, automatically timesheeting your use of Facebook or Twitter at work, for your comfort and convenience when demonstrating their business necessity and utility to your company’s social media strategy to your boss. Firefox no longer works, but that’s a small price to pay for this sort of well-maintained elegance.

The final Office 365 release will include a marketplace where Microsoft partners will be able to sell applications for your Windows Phone or BlackBerry. (Android and iPhone are not supported, and will in fact explode on contact.)

The ribbon toolbar will not be present in the next version of Office 365, whose interface will be based on the recently-released hit game Portal 2. “Windows 7 was my idea,” says user interaction consultant GlaDOS.

US beheads hydra, saving world from terrorism

CHRISTIANABAD, Pakistan, Monday (NTN) — President Barack Obama has announced that the hydra has been conclusively beheaded by US forces in Pakistan.

Multi-OsamaMr Obama said it was “the most significant achievement to date in our nation’s effort to defeat the hydra. We can all rest safe now.”

The hydra’s head was buried at sea, to prevent the grave becoming a shrine. “But trust us — we got the actual hydra, all right. You know how good we are with getting this stuff right.”

World leaders expressed their relief at the hydra having been utterly and completely stopped by cutting its main head off, except those party poopers at Hamas who dared suggest that there was something quite important about hydras and cutting their heads off that had slipped their minds for the moment.

For many, the bigger question is whether, in the longer run, the hydra’s organisation can survive. “The absolutely final and complete really truly killing of the hydra puts the group on a path of decline that will be difficult to reverse,” said the President.

“I suddenly feel much better about America and no longer have any thoughts of revenge whatsoever,” said one Afghan teenager whose entire family had been killed as collateral damage by a US bomb. “U-S-A! U-S-A! Coca-Cola! Fox News!”

US citizens are encouraged to apply to hold official celebratory street parties, under the close supervision of the Department of Homeland Security and the Transport Safety Administration, so that their freedoms may stay protected.

“Mission accomplished!” said Accounts Receivable at Halliburton. Donald Trump, meanwhile, demanded the long form death certificate.