PAGE 3, Channel 5, Sunday (NNN) — The British Association of Aesthetic and Plastic Surgeons (BOOBIES) has put out a concerned press release claiming to be about competition from overseas surgeons in an attempt to market man-boob reductions.

“Unethical clinics in other countries continue to offer obscenely superfluous surgery cheaper than we do in Britain,” said the press release, “and it remains legal for people to give them money instead of us. This is unacceptable to patient, and particularly surgeon, welfare. Also, did you know that your unsightly and disgusting man-boobs can be discreetly removed surgically?”

Shocking results include:

• 100% of clinics surveyed did not offer refunds via BUPA.
• 100% of overseas clinics failed to be based in Britain.
• 100% of overseas clinic surgeons did not also consult for the NHS.
• BOOBIES members can do you a great deal on man-boob reduction.
• Over 90% charged more than British surgeons did for equally superfluous surgery. Did we mention that bit?

“In addition,” said the press release, “we’re doing better business in man-boob reduction surgery. It is vitally necessary to patient, and, as we mentioned, surgeon, welfare to issue a piece of press release journalism advertising the availability of authentic British man-boob reductions.”

BOOBIES stressed that they offered the finest value in man-boob reductions and hardly any of them would accidentally install DD silicone inserts instead. “But if we did, it would certainly get the chicks. Probably.”

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WELL I NEVER, See I Told You, Friday (NNN) — Low-level shitkickers at a crappy public relations agency knowingly and with malice aforethought abusing the title “researcher” have found, on the spec sheet listing the official desired outcome for their “research,” that women — all women — are overcome by a burning desire to share gossip as soon as they hear it, particularly when plastered on the fine Chilean plonk being promoted by the agency’s client.

They will spill the beans to at least one other person within (precisely) 47 hours and 15 minutes, typically in between declaring the recipient their best mate ever and emphasising how they really should keep in touch better.

The study of 3,000 women aged between 18 and 65, some of whom were not fictional, shocked and appalled public relations staff and free newspaper journalists by openly naming the client who had paid for the puff-piece to be inserted into the paper, accompanied by a stock photo of one woman saying something into another woman’s ear while both were wearing low-cut cocktail dresses and leaning slightly forward to emphasise eye-catching cleavage.

Michael Cox, seller of a cheap petrol-flavoured substance apparently intended for near-human consumption which occasionally comes with a plastic cork instead of a screw-top, said: “It’s official — disgusting drunken slatternly trollops can’t keep secrets, as any reader of [INSERT NEWSPAPER NAME HERE] would realise about the subhuman distaff species after their daily commuter-time scientific revelation concerning female inferiority.

“We were really keen to find out with this survey how many secrets people are told, particularly after a refreshing glass or six of our unsurpassed products. No matter how precious the information, it’s often out in the public domain within 48 hours. Thankfully they’re usually too pissed to remember it the next morning when they’re cleaning their own puke out of their knickers. Filthy fucking whores, the lot of them.”

Men were adjudged vastly more able to keep a secret than women, mostly by virtue of not knowing what constituted one and not caring.