AN INCONVENIENT TROUT, Gulf Stream, Tuesday (NNN) — Controversy has erupted over incandescent light bulbs being phased out in Britain to be replaced with horrible expensive yellow things that look like robot marital aids.

The switch to compact fluorescent lamps is expected to save households two-thirds of their monthly income, singlehandedly save Britain from climate change and bring about world peace, harmony and a top 10 chart not filled with rubbish.

However, many people find the low-energy bulbs ugly, slow to warm up and much more expensive, and the harsher light they give off akin to that of a police cell or McDonald’s. Their rapid flicker contains coded messages designed to hypnotise independent-minded Britons and turn them into gibberish-spouting Eurocrat cultists. The bulbs are made entirely of mercury, polonium and ebola. Scientists have proven that Hitler used low-energy bulbs for illumination when writing Mein Kampf, and paedophiles prefer internet images of dear innocent children taken under their unforgiving glare.

The Daily Mail has come out strongly against the compact fluorescents. “British cowed by tin pot marxists maddest flights from reality political class bizarre gesture Bliar take away liberty march on Westminster revolt against Europe IF YOU LIKE IT SO MUCH WHY DON’T YOU LIVE THERE.” To this end, the paper is giving away five thousand incandescent bulbs free when you spend a pound calling an 0900 number.

“We can’t be having this com-pack fluoro Euro rubbish,” said Brenda Busybody, 77 (IQ) of East Cheam. “They just don’t have the same warm glow to them. It’s so cold this week! We need more gas lamps and burning torches, they go well with the pitchforks.”

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