THE KITCHEN, After work, Friday (NTN) — In a body blow to the credibility of the scientific process itself, a new Mayo Clinic study suggests that necking gallons of red wine might not be the finest and most defensible thing ever for your health.

Despite the fact that everyone knows — by common sense — that red wine is good for your heart, makes you live longer, contains anti-oxidants, right, and makes you cleverer and your boyfriend sexy, some idiots are claiming that res-res-verra-thing might not be great if you have too much. Whatever probably stupidly inadequate amount “too much” is.

You have to keep in mind, OK, that eighty percent of single medical studies are actually wrong. Eighty percent! And this is obviously one of them.

The researchers analyzed how reserva … resvah … the chemical reacted with “satellite cells” in muscles. Regeneration. They said it was good in small doses, which is obviously right, but bad in large ones, which is just stupidly wrong. I mean, really.

Res-thing is in chocolates, too, which just shows how good it is. I bet they’ll tell us we have to balance red wine versus chocolate or something. Fuckers.

This professor, right, Hans Degens, at Manchester Metropolitan Uni, said that ten micro … molar dose was the good amount. I expect that’s about a bottle. Maybe two. He didn’t mention chocolates, ‘cos he knew what was fucking good for him.

Oh, that fucker. That piece of shit. He brought the chocolate into it. Right. We’re going on a train trip. Bring the empties, we’ll need ’em.

WELL I NEVER, See I Told You, Monday (NTN) — In a SHOCKING new commissioned press release study, a full 79% of British women are disgusting skanks who don’t spend sufficiently on the study sponsor’s marvellous packaged beauty products.

Only 21% of “feeemales” take the time to shower or bath every day, two-thirds don’t remove makeup before bed when they come home smashed after a night out, and far too few spend actual money on the sponsor’s facial cleanse products. “Despite knowing the importance of a suitably elaborate skin care regime!” exclaimed study sponsor Maxine Flint. “We tell them often enough!

“It is so important to clean your face daily and moisturise to slow down the ageing process. Also, you need to pick your genes better.”

British women were unimpressed with the survey. “At least when I collapse unconscious in a skip at 4am, I redo my lippy when I crawl out. Gorra look presennable, innit. Also, vodka works like Febreze. Just need to splash enough on. ’Scuse me.” (vomits)

Meanwhile, here’s a stock image of an apparently-naked woman in the shower, with strategic soap bubbles, and a publicity shot of a skinny Z-list “celebrity” in a bikini under a waterfall, for genuine journalistic purposes.

OH FUCK NOT HEALTH, Bullingdon, Monday (NTN) — The Prime Minister, David Cameron, yesterday categorically denied every intention the Conservatives have had toward the NHS for the past sixty-three years.

“There will be no privatisation,” he declared, “no cherry-picking from private providers.” Other Tory dreams he denied included a US-style health insurance regime, the poor dying for lack of £200 antibiotics and A&E departments doing credit checks before treatment.

“Our changes are a logical extension of tried-and-tested policies initiated by governments of all parties in recent years,” he noted, alluding to Tony Blair’s previous attempts to sell off the NHS to American insurance companies.

Mr Cameron noted what a tremendous help the NHS had been to his own family, and that to let it carry on further beyond this apotheosis of perfection was a betrayal of its artistic potential. “Better to shoot it through the head now than let it linger on, touring into its seventies like the Rolling Stones. Let it be remembered for its best.”

The Daily Telegraph condemned Mr Cameron’s plans as hopelessly wishy-washy, noting that not publicly whipping accident victims for visiting A&E would constitute an insupportable moral hazard and make Britain excessively tempting to Eastern European people smugglers, and blaming Nick Clegg’s malign influence on Mr Cameron’s otherwise-pure Tory soul. Mr Clegg assured the press that he would agree with everything Mr Cameron suggested in a vigorous and muscular manner.

MISS PRICE’S FINISHING COLLEGE, Essex, Thursday (NTN) — British teenage girls have “the worst binge drinking culture in the Western world” and need better advice on getting smashed with style and elegance.

Half of all 15-year-old girls cannot distinguish Merlots per region, while more than a quarter of 16- and 17-year-old girls are unable to tell a genuine French champagne from méthode Champenoise sparkling wines made in other regions. The bankruptcy of several chains of off-licences has led to a terrible information deficit, with local corner shops unable to reliably advise which superlager best goes with a kebab and chips.

The Demos report sets out recommendations for a youth policy to “empower” young women. “Ministers need to address the underlying problems of low self-esteem and poor parenting during younger girls’ early years, with wine appreciation lessons added to the National Curriculum and annual standardised testing on cork extraction with a flick-knife.”

The report also addresses the damage binge drinking can do, with the risk of camera phone photos showing up on Facebook of girls puking in the gutter while wearing Claire’s Accessories tat.

The government has responded to the report by mooting a special tax on “underclass” alcohol, thus giving people the get-up-and-go entrepreneurial business incentive to make bathtub moonshine and cost the NHS a fortune due to methanol poisoning.