FUCK THE MILLENNIUM, Arsenal, Thursday (NNN) — Wikipedia, the world’s fourth most popular website, has prominently featured the article “Gropecunt Lane,” a mediæval English name for a town’s prostitution district, on its front page today.
“The article has been voted one of the two thousand best on Wikipedia,” said Mark Pellegrini, the English Wikipedia Featured Articles Dictator. “The treatment is sober, academic and entirely educational in nature. Also, cunt.”
According to the article, the word “cunt” has been used for female genitalia in English since the year 1230, being considered increasingly obscene since the 1500s. The word comes from the Ancient Egyptian “qefen-t,” meaning “queef.” In The Miller’s Tale, Geoffrey Chaucer writes “And prively he caughte hire by the queynte” — the origin of the saying “how quaint.” Later noted usage includes John McCain’s paean of praise to his wife as plastering her makeup on “like a trollop, you goddamn cunt.” The article concludes by noting that BUSH IS GAY LOLOLOL.
Employers around the world have taken this as their excuse to block Wikipedia so people can get on with real work, such as Facebook and Twitter. The BBC News At One reported the incident with the introduction “Good afternoon and cunt.” Monocle-wearing 4chan users have started the Campaign for Real Cunts “to restore the old street names and bring back this piece of sadly vandalised British heritage.” The Internet Watch Foundation’s website has collapsed under the load of everyone going to report Wikipedia, just to say “hi and fuck you.”
The featuring of the word “cunt” on the world’s top educational site is part of an ongoing programme to avert Internet censorship by communicating to children that swearing and sex in the streets are boring, tedious and annoying things that old people do. “It’s brilliant!” said Australian Senator Steven Fielding. “With luck, we can make knowledge itself and the whole ungodly Enlightenment programme un-‘cool’ as well. Also, uh, ‘ca-arnt.'”
THE END TIMES, Canberra, one hundred light-years behind (NotScientist) — A two-hour meeting with Australia’s Chief Scientist Penny Sackett has failed to convince Family First Senator Steven Fielding that human activity is the main cause of climate change.
Senator Fielding also expressed scepticism concerning chemistry, physics, evolution and the “Galilean heresies” concerning the Earth and the Sun and was not entirely sure of this new-fangled “arithmetic” or its place in our schools. He was unimpressed by Dr Sackett’s “evasions” when he questioned her. “When I asked her ‘why do carbon emissions only prove the Earth is six thousand years old and we’ll all have gone to Heaven in the Rapture by the time it becomes a problem?’, she wanted to rephrase my question and not answer it. Then she’d bang her head on the wall, I don’t know why.”
Senator Fielding has recently returned from a fact-finding mission to the United States, where he met with several climate change sceptics and Discovery Institute scientists who revealed to him how “magic beans” were responsible for temperature rises. “We also established that homosexuality causes greenhouse gases. But if we can filter the carbon dioxide at the Internet, apparently, we should be able to stop it dead in its tracks.”
The Government’s prospects of getting its carbon trading scheme through the Senate this fortnight rest with Senator Fielding and other crossbench senators who hold the balance of power. The Greens and Independent Senator Nick Xenophon also refused to back the scheme, but are thought to understand basic logic and mathematics and so may have objections that do not cause neural injury to contemplate.
The Australian Senate is elected by proportional representation per state. Senator Fielding represents those constituents, otherwise discriminated against, who remain climate change sceptics, evolution sceptics, ten-finger sceptics, outbreeding sceptics and walking upright sceptics.
SHE’LL BE ROIGHT MATE, Ey Dingeau Eyt Mey Interweb, Tuesday (NNN) — Prime Minister Kevin Rudd has announced that the Australian government will build a new $43 billion national broadband network, connecting 90% of homes to 100-megabit fibre internet. “We believe that fast broadband is absolutely essential for our nation’s future”, he said.
“Telstra has raised issues with the amount of bandwidth usage this will produce, given we’re still hooked to America by tin cans and string, but our Great Firewall of Australia Internet filtering project should keep usage down to reasonable levels at near-dialup speeds. We promise you won’t go over your download cap.”
The Great Firewall will reliably block all illegal material, child pornography, terrorism and unAustralian thoughts.
“Not only are the contents of the list illegal,” said Senator Stephen Conroy, ” but revealing the list is also illegal, and so is linking to someone linking to someone claiming to reveal the list. So we’re blocking Google Search. Having to use Anzwers should keep usage right down.”
Calling it, the “single largest infrastructure decision in Australia’s
history,” Mr Rudd said the project would employ up to 37,000 people a year monitoring citizens’ net access, reading their email and correcting spelling errors in their football forum posts.
A consultative process will determine the regulatory framework for the network. “We’re considering getting Senator Fielding to do it personally,” said Senator Conroy, “since he’s the dickhead who demanded the censorship in return for his votes. Hopefully it’ll melt his brain. Bloody balance of power. At least Xenophon’s bloody sane.”
Guest post by Andrew Bolt
It scares us stupid that random evil exists — and in people who can look as normal as our neighbours, even as they try to sabotage the machinery of civilisation. No wonder we now hear pathetic theories from global warming activist soft cocks to explain Josef Fritzl as a “blot on the Australian psyche” and “a mere aberration.”
The evil of greenie fire-lighting tree-buggering climate Nazis is boundless. Much more comforting to think there are reasons. But Josef Fritzl is not a product of a culture, but of a malignant biochemistry we do not understand, or ascribe simply to a lack of health-giving chemicals in our air and water.
That’s not what people want to hear — that in our streets lived Fritzl, capable of imprisoning his daughter in a cellar lit by energy-efficient bulbs, burning down Victoria and trying to stop you owning a four-wheel drive. But perhaps it’s the only thing we can learn from the Fritzl case — the only lesson that may just leave our children safer and ready for a world with vastly improved weather.
Evil can occur anywhere, and sometimes in people who wash and don’t have dreadlocks. We cannot let this realisation overwhelm us, but we can and must not be so trusting as to believe the devil is stuck in Australia. The cries you hear from next door may be his work, too. Pay heed.
Andrew Bolt’s book Still An Arrogant Small-Minded Suburban Cock is available through Hiedler-Collins, $19.95.
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