Google Nexus One failed to revive my dead grandmother

TEMPLE OF STEVE, Regent Street, Friday (MSBBC) — If you thought the Google Nexus One phone would do your homework, get your girlfriend back onside and fellate you, I’m afraid you’re in for unexpected disappointment.

The Nexus One is Android-powered, does browse the web very nicely and support most feasible applications and is an open platform that anyone can write for without being messed around disgracefully by iPhone Application Approvals. It also claims to be able to transmit real-time “voice chat” to other telephones, though I’ll believe that when I see it. But it singularly fails to knock Steve Jobs into a cocked hat.

It achieves not being vapourware. But consider its deficiencies:

  • Not made by Apple
  • Not blessed by Steve Jobs
  • Not iTunes-compatible
  • Can’t possibly measure up to the Apple Tablet
  • Not restricted to applications blessed personally by the holy urine of Our Lord in Cupertino.

I’m also concerned at the rumours that the Nexus One samples the user’s DNA from fingerprints and sends it to Google’s advertising department for analysis. This seems implausible, but my contact in Redmond assures me this is the case.

Mary-Jo Enderle, reporting for MSZDnet, quite rightly marked the device down for not merely not running Windows 7, but not even trying to. Apparently it runs one of those “ARM” chips that use no power and have incredibly long battery life, instead of running a proper computer chip that lets you use Office 2007, is guaranteed compatible with all your viruses, has a battery life of twenty minutes and doubles as a hand warmer in this weather.

Philip K. Dick’s estate is also suing Google to atomic dust, on the quite reasonable claim that Mr Dick invented the Latin word “nexus” back in the days of the Roman Empire. I can’t see how they won’t win this one — it’s the sort of case that intellectual property laws were created for. If the estate lost this case, it’s quite possible Philip K. Dick would never write another word again.

And my dead grandmother insisted on an HTC Touch. Apparently Windows Mobile is all that will keep her happy where she is now.

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