Monthly Archives: September 2009

Defence, Entertainment, Technology, United States

Apple saves world from Commodore 64 nuclear attack

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DRAGON’S DEN, Cheyenne Mountain, Tuesday (NNGadget) — Despite months of negotiations to get a Commodore 64 emulator approved for the iPhone, Apple has pulled the application after just two days after a hack was found that enables the BASIC interpreter.

Atari 5200 Missile Command“Anything capable of allowing programming — any programming — could be a security risk to the iPhone and its users,” said Apple in a statement to the Library of Congress on copyright. “As such, it is absolutely vital for the safety of the nation that we vet every single application and collect 30% on each one.”

Apple software reviewers, who are generally moonlighting from day jobs as TSA airport security policy writers, fear a wave of 1980s-style “hackers” using the iPhone to “dial” into NASA or National Security Agency computers using the accompanying 300-Baud Acoustic-Coupled Modem application. “We had our suspicions when the app lit the user’s face from below in just the right shade of green to show off their cheekbones really photogenically.”

Reviewers were particularly concerned that the BASIC interpreter was originally written by Microsoft. “Of course, their security is famously terrible,” said one reviewer in a break from torturing kittens. “We’d probably get a Commodore 64 virus. And their sense of aesthetics! No way Steve would ever let that through.”

A similar Commodore 64 emulator that gives ten cents to AT&T every time a user runs a game has passed approval in two days.

“A strange phone,” said NSA correspondent “WOPR.” “The only winning move is not to buy.”

Politics, United States

Republican in “heterosexual” sex scandal

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OLD GLORY HOLE, The Castro, Wednesday (NNN) — Michael Duvall, California Republican state assemblyman representing Orange County, has resigned his seat after being caught vividly describing lewd details about his trysts with a female lobbyist.

Gay Republican logoDuvall has insisted he is “not sexual” and that the female lobbyist he spoke of is “really a guy”. “I made up all of these stories! I have two children, so I’ve had sex, uh, that’d be twice. Republicans get married and we only think about money from then on. I swear.”

Many Republican groups are outraged. “If you’re going to break God’s covenant, do it good and hard,” said the Rev Ted Haggard. “None of this pussy-footing around. Geddit? See what I did there?”

Others were less concerned. “These people are implying that fucking a lobbyist with business in front of your committee looks like some sort of ‘corruption,'” said Mark Sanford. “Honi soit, dude. Honi soit.”

Gay groups welcomed the news, having long begged conservative politicians, ministers and commentators to, for the love of God, stop being gay. “Bathroom gropers,” said spokesfag Elle Lucius, “glory hole cocksuckers with herpes sores around their concealed mouths, shadowy men in tight Levis doing unspeakable things in piss-stinking alleys and on massage tables that light up like Christmas under blacklight … these things are all very well in their place. But those suits! That polyester! Dear God, can’t they afford better tailoring? Don’t these people have suburbs to go to?”

The Democratic gay contingent, the Log Cabin Democrats, have long had trouble pushing their point of view in their own party, with their strange and antisocial predilections for decades-long committed relationships rather than the furtive liaisons in airport bathrooms favored by the GOP.

Education, Politics, United States

Obama speech fills ears of mere children with vile propaganda

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THE MANCUNIAN CANDIDATE, Kenyawaii, Tuesday (NNN) — Republican fears over Barack Obama’s back-to-school speech to students have not been quelled by the release of the text.

Verne P. Kaub: Communist-Socialist Propaganda in American SchoolsMr Obama tells students to work hard, set goals, take responsibility for their own future, be self-reliant and diligently pursue the fruits of capitalism and free enterprise. “To hear this coming from a Democrat is obvious Communism,” said Glenn Beck on Fox News. “Obama is literally Stalin.”

“The speech was reasoned, sensible and apolitical,” said Oklahoma State Senator Steve Russell. “This is just an attempt to propagandise Obama as sane and normal, not as the slavering destroyer of humanity we know he is. They might see what he actually looks and talks like, not just what Fox says about him! You’d think we were in socialist North Kenya.”

Others have protested that Mr Obama’s advice to students to stay in school will only increase the possibility of exposure to liberal propaganda. In Minnesota, the state’s Association of School Administrators recommended against showing the president’s speech. “He didn’t scream abuse off-camera, swear unholy vengeance against his opponents or burst into tears once! What happens if students see a politician being calm and low-key talking about the future? They’ll think that’s how you talk about political matters! They’ll think there’s reasonable discussion with the enemy, grey areas, moral relativism. It’s just a short step from there to death panels voting on Kenyan gay marriages.”

“He credited the XBox and iPhone,” said Sarah Palin. “This is a clear attempt to further the Marxist agenda of Democrat Party liberals who’ve used evilution to grow thumbs.”

Health, Science, United Kingdom, United States

Placebos more effective than most new drugs

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CRYSTAL CAULDRON, Goldacre, Monday (NotScientist) — The pharmaceutical industry is reeling from the news that more and more new drugs do no better than a placebo. Despite historic levels of industry investment in research and development, the FDA approved only 19 new drugs in 2007 and 24 in 2008.

Homeopathic Bullshit Nitricu 30CThe placebo effect has been little-understood. Trials in different countries and cultures can show different results. Ratings by trial observers can vary significantly from one test site to another. Advertising has conditioned people into thinking a little branded pill will make them all better.

“This throws R&D spending into significant doubt,” said Cylon Number Six of GlaxoSmithPfizerMonsanto. “It’s clear that marketing has always been the way to go, and that spending four times as much on marketing as research was the best thing we could possibly have done for humanity.”

Researchers are now going full steam to discover new forms of nothingness to apply to new diseases. Explorers have been sent into the Amazonian rainforest to find new plant species to dilute to the point of no molecules of the original being present. Traditionally ineffective tribal remedies from around the world have been patented in Western countries. “If ‘4’33″’ can be copyrighted, we can patent the placebo gene!” The treatments will be publicised in the new Elsevier journal, The Australasian Journal of Nothing Whatsoever.

Homeopaths are up in arms at the pharmaceutical industry “muscling in on our territory,” said Ravenwoo Granola of the Specialist Homeopathic Institute of Technology. “We developed the finest, most refined and provably harmless snake oil in existence! There’s nothing homeopathy can’t cure! Er, there’s nothing that isn’t brought to us for consideration and helping the patient trigger the placebo effect themselves. A snip at £5.99 a bottle and fifty quid a consultation! And we absolutely proved it harmless! We did double-blind tests against placebo … Bugger.”

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Technology, United States

Microsoft arranges spontaneous house parties for Windows 7 launch

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LAKE WASHINGTON BLVD. E., Seattle, Friday (NNGadget) — In preparation for the stupendous launch of Microsoft Windows %NEXT_VERSION% in October, Microsoft is organising a detailed word-of-mouth push.

Clippy all the way“Astroturfing word of mouth is routine, don’t worry,” said Cylon Number Six from Waggener Edstrom. “We’ve been careful to get all our partners and MVPs on the case. Here’s the invitation:”

Dear INSERT NAME HERE,

Come to our supar l33t party! It’ll have “balloons” and “games” and “family friendly” fun and really easy setting up, nudge nudge, wink wink! Plug and play, my friend. Plug and play. Don’t forget your … anti-virus. If you know what I mean. And I think you do.

The hosts of the best Windows 7 House Parties will win a free copy of Windows 7 Ultimate Signature Edition. The runners-up will get a leftover copy of Vista.

The Windows 7 drinking game will include:

  • One shot for every “ethnic” face in an install graphic.
  • An extra shot if it’s pasted over the head of a white person.
  • One shot for every white face pasted over the head of a non-white person.
  • One shot for every program with the Office 2007 “ribbon” toolbar stuck on it completely inappropriately.
  • One shot for every exciting “new” feature that’s been in Mac OS and Linux for the past five years.
  • An extra shot if the exciting “new” feature’s been in Mac OS and Linux for the past ten years.
  • One shot every time you reboot during the install.
  • One shot every time the system asks to reboot just because it feels like it.
  • Two shots every time it reboots even though you said “no.”
  • Drain the bottle if there’s an actual feature that makes Windows 7 so much better than sticking with XP that you’ll spend actual money to get it.
  • A bitter mouthful every time the system blue-screens.

“There’s a party in your ass,” said Number Six, “and we’re going to … I’m sorry, I picked up the wrong cue sheet. The Wow™ starts NOW! Hold on … Windows 7! It sucks less! Honest! Yeah, that’s the one.”