FUCK THE MILLENNIUM, Arsenal, Thursday (NNN) — Wikipedia, the world’s fourth most popular website, has prominently featured the article “Gropecunt Lane,” a mediæval English name for a town’s prostitution district, on its front page today.
“The article has been voted one of the two thousand best on Wikipedia,” said Mark Pellegrini, the English Wikipedia Featured Articles Dictator. “The treatment is sober, academic and entirely educational in nature. Also, cunt.”
According to the article, the word “cunt” has been used for female genitalia in English since the year 1230, being considered increasingly obscene since the 1500s. The word comes from the Ancient Egyptian “qefen-t,” meaning “queef.” In The Miller’s Tale, Geoffrey Chaucer writes “And prively he caughte hire by the queynte” — the origin of the saying “how quaint.” Later noted usage includes John McCain’s paean of praise to his wife as plastering her makeup on “like a trollop, you goddamn cunt.” The article concludes by noting that BUSH IS GAY LOLOLOL.
Employers around the world have taken this as their excuse to block Wikipedia so people can get on with real work, such as Facebook and Twitter. The BBC News At One reported the incident with the introduction “Good afternoon and cunt.” Monocle-wearing 4chan users have started the Campaign for Real Cunts “to restore the old street names and bring back this piece of sadly vandalised British heritage.” The Internet Watch Foundation’s website has collapsed under the load of everyone going to report Wikipedia, just to say “hi and fuck you.”
The featuring of the word “cunt” on the world’s top educational site is part of an ongoing programme to avert Internet censorship by communicating to children that swearing and sex in the streets are boring, tedious and annoying things that old people do. “It’s brilliant!” said Australian Senator Steven Fielding. “With luck, we can make knowledge itself and the whole ungodly Enlightenment programme un-‘cool’ as well. Also, uh, ‘ca-arnt.'”
THE WAITING ROOM, Westminster, Wednesday (NN) — The House of Lords voted against a controversial move to protect Britons who help people bring an end to terminally-ill political careers.
The law presently states that anyone who helps another to commit suicide can be jailed for up to 14 years. However, destroying one’s career and future public image and taking the rest of the country with you whilst remaining technically living is not merely legal, but standard. The Director of Public Prosecutions Keir Starmer decided last year to allow the slow destruction of the career and future of Gordon Brown, a 58-year-old man paralysed by a Peter Principle accident who started the slow process of career suicide at the Indignitas clinic in Westminster in 2007.
Mr Brown spoke out strongly against the amendment himself. “I believe it will place a new and invidious pressure on terminally incompetent people to think they are closer to the end of their jobs. I tick every box of the proposed criteria to be eliminated. Members of my own cabinet repeatedly suggest I should seek the ‘dignified option.’ But despite the times when my progressively worsening incompetence challenges me, I want to guarantee that you are with me, supporting my continued life and its value … what do you mean, you’ve already signed me up for it? Peter? Peter!”
NHS trust managers were most disappointed in the result. “Where there’s a living will, there’s a way!”
STAPLES CENTER, Wasilla, Tuesday (NNN) — Sarah Palin has revealed what compelled her to quit as governor of Alaska at no notice: the media weirdness deficit with Michael Jackson gone.
“When the going gets tough,” said Mrs Palin in an impromptu speech this afternoon, “the winners get quitting! Life is about choices! It’s time to bring Alaiskah’s huge weird surplus to outside, to build up and fight for our country! We are not retreating, we are advancing! Into the fourth dimension!”
“The tension in her face during the resignation speech,” noted Bill Kristol of Fox News, “like a teenager trying to tell a pre-emptive whopper of a lie to her parents before they find out what she’s actually done — it was her angst and upset at the death of the King of Pop. A pain that all Americans share, as they do memorial moonwalks and sell tickets to the memorial at inflated prices on eBay in the finest American can-do free enterprise spirit.”
Mrs Palin flew herself down to Los Angeles for the Jackson memorial concert, flinging herself onto the golden casket as it came up on stage with a spectacular series of dance moves, culminating in shooting the head off a zombie moose.
BBC News respectfully played the entirety of the memorial concert, which was much more newsworthy than Uighurs rioting in Xinjiang Province in China or anything. “It’s not like they could even get more interest on Twitter than Jackson,” said on-the-spot reporter Matthew Price. “Get with the programme, Uighurs!”
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WASILLA HIGH SCHOOL, Alaiskah, Friday (NNN) — Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin has suddenly resigned, citing attacks from the press making it impossible to do her job.
“Let me explain it with basketball. It’s the national full-court press picking away right now. A good point guard drives through a full court press like a mav’rick, protecting the ball, keeping her eye on the basket. Then the winged monkeys descend, in gay married pairs, flinging poop at me an’ reciting the Koran in French. And I shoot them outa the sky — bang, bang, pow! Quitters stick it out, but winners quit! For victory!”
The governor put her famous financial prudence at the core of the decision. “I can’t let your money and time go to waste just so I can hold the title of governor. That I’ll get ten times the cash on the fundie lecture circuit doesn’t affect my decision at all.”
Mrs Palin firmly omitted crediting by any mention the ridiculous allegations of corruption in the construction of the Wasilla Stadium and coincidental observations that the family’s house was built at the same time by the same contractors from the same materials, such as large, expensive windows that took a crane to hoist to the second floor and specialized training and tools to install. “Todd and a few buddies busted ’em out over a few weekends with a few six-packs. We needed ’em to see Russia.”
Republican commentators expressed their untrammeled joy at and admiration of Mrs Palin’s brilliant move, noting its similarity to the bit where Vader kills Gandalf and he then comes back to kill Voldemort. “The Palins are just staying in Paraguay for a few short months,” said Bill Kristol on Fox News, “until the financial mudslinging stops. Then she’ll be back to run for President! A resounding shot of hope has been fired!” Up to several protestors took to the streets in urban areas with signs saying “STOP WASHINGTON,” “STOP OBAMA” and “SAVE SARAH” before being returned to the Republican Preservation National Parks in Utah and Alaska.
Mrs Palin’s last words were for the mainstream liberal media. “As I leave you, I want you to know — just think how much you’re gonna be missing. You won’t have Palin to kick around any more. Because, gentlemen, this is my last press conference and it’ll be one in which I’ve welcomed the opportunity to test wits with you. You betcha!”
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WELL I NEVER, Do-As-You-Please, Wednesday (NotScientist) — The minister for science and innovation, Lord Paul Drayson, has praised the high standards of science journalism at the sixth World Conference of Science Journalists in London yesterday. About 900 delegates attended the conference to congratulate each other on the remarkable quality of their press release transcription skills.
“The public relies on dependable science journalism to understand the forces shaping the modern world,” said Lord Drayson. “Your work covering the things that really matter, such as pseudo-evolutionary explanations of current fashion trends, what will give us cancer this week, scaring the crap out of people over the MMR vaccine so their kids die of birth defects from measles instead and why fellatio is required for female health helps people make important choices about their lives and builds a vital gap between scientists and the public. I mean bridge.”
He dismissed claims that typical science reporting primarily results in sensationalist and misleading headlines. “I wish more journalists would follow your example. The ones covering MPs’ expenses certainly should have been working the way you do.”
The speech was delivered to a backdrop of A-level students in lab coats. And bikinis.
Professor Gene Hunt of the University of Metro calculated that Lord Drayson’s speech could power all of Britain for six months purely from harnessing the steam coming out of Ben Goldacre’s ears.
REAL VIRTUALITY, Seattle, Thursday 2099 (NNN) — Microsoft Corporation has announced a limited one-off extension of availability of its Windows XP operating system to April 2101 after criticism from large customers and analysts. This is the fifty-sixth extension of XP’s availability since 2008.
Through successive releases of Microsoft’s flagship Windows operating system, demand for XP has remained an important factor for businesses relying on stable XP-specific software and installations, who have pushed back strongly against the software company’s attempts to move them to later versions. Windows administration skills have become rare in recent years and consultants have demanded high fees. Reviving Windows administrators from cryogenic freezing has proven insufficient to fill the market gap, as almost all begged to work on COBOL instead.
“Windows XP is currently in the extremely very prolonged super-extended support phase and Microsoft encourages customers to migrate to Windows for Neurons 2097 as soon as feasible,” said William Gates V, CEO and great-grandson of the company founder. “Spare change?”
Microsoft Corporation, along with Monsanto Corporation and the RIAA, exists as a protected species in the Seattle Memorial Glass Crater Bad Ideas And Warnings To The Future National Park in north-west Washington on the radioactive remains of what was once the planet Earth, under the protection of our Linux-based superintelligent robot artificial intelligence overlords. Company revenues for 2098 were over $15.