FOURTH CHANNEL, textfiles.com, Sunday (NNN) — Logs of email, web usage and Internet phone calls will be stored by Internet service providers from Monday, per EU directive.
The Home Office said it was the UK Government’s priority to “protect public safety and national security and, of course, our own jobs. Think of the children! The records are safeguarded by the Regulation of Investigatory Powers Act to only be accessible in the direst of need, such as when your arsehole neighbour tells the council you’re using their bin.”
Social network users responded with outrage. “Liek, wtf?” said KT Myspce. “I put up pictures of me pissed on a public website run by a commercial company and the government looks at it? I’m defriending Jacqui Smith right now. Cow.”
Jim Killock of the Open Rights Group said it was a “crazy directive” with potentially dangerous repercussions for citizens. “The mental health of the civil servants reviewing the data is in particular peril. What is seen cannot be unseen.”
The initiative was welcomed by online celebrities Bob Goatse, Boxxy Tubgirl and the Lemonparty Collective. “We look forward to introducing ourselves to even more wonderful Internet users,” said two girls, handing reporters a cup. Spork shares were up 5% in early trading.
MINISTRY OF BURLESQUE, Church of Satin, Saturday (NNN) — The Government today expressed its “outrage” that Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand could not personally be forced to pay the £150,000 fine against the BBC for their prank calls to Andrew Sachs.
Thousands of complaints were filed with Ofcom after the Daily Mail figured it would be a handy front-page outrage for a couple of weeks.
Communities Secretary Hazel Blears said she thought the stars should be made to pay the penalty themselves. “Surely whatever will play well with the Daily Mail is what the good people of this country want. These ‘laws’ only get in the way of doing what is right … this week.”
“This is much more shocking than Fred Goodwin’s pension or ministerial expenses,” said Jacqui Smith. “Particularly mine. Pitchforks and torches that way! Not this way!”
“Hellooo, still mortified and stuff!” said Georgina Baillie. “Oy! Over here! Look, tits! God, I’m never going to be back in Nuts at this rate.”
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LAND OF HOPE AND GLORY, The Revolution Will Be Podcast, Friday (NNN) — During their private meeting with Queen Elizabeth II, President Barack Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama gave the monarch a personalized iPod with video footage of her 2007 visit to Washington and Virginia and preloaded with 40 show tunes, in blatant violation of copyright law.
The 9000-word iTunes or Amazon MP3 contracts establish licensing, not ownership, of the file, for personal, not commercial or diplomatic use. Furthermore, should the Queen connect her new iPod to a computer, further copies will be made, in direct contravention of British law.
“It’s okay!” said Mr Obama. “As Nixon said, ‘if the President does it that means it’s not illegal.’ And you can’t sue the Queen anyway. So we’re sweet with ACTA. Even if you aren’t.”
“One is delighted with one’s gift,” said Her Majesty. “It helps block that dreadful Italian fellow. Our grandchildren have also assisted us in ‘downloading’ our Coronation from ‘The Pirate Bay.’ What will they think of next!”
Songs include “Pass the Duchy”, “We Are The Champions”, “Public Image” and, of course, “Black President,” which Michelle and Elizabeth “cut a rug” to arm in arm.
“I know I got them RIAA bozos in the house,” said Mr Obama. “Joe’s pals. But one word from me and her Royal Highness here and they’ll be less popular than bankers. Word.”
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KEEP SHOPPING, And Avoid Panic Buying, Wednesday (NNN) — After weeks of police warnings about the smelly hippie anarchists coming to the City to destroy your entire way of life, tens of protestors descended on Liverpool Street Station yesterday to save the world from capitalism.
Although the demonstrations were quiet, police reported sudden tremendous violence from the protestors after the mainstream media had given up and gone home. “There were distorted reports and completely faked phone videos in the troublemaker blogs that the police were starting stuff,” said Metropolitan Police chief Luckless Cipher, “but it was just us protecting civilisation from these scum. Acting up when they thought no-one was watching. Fake blood and stuff. Terrible.”
The most danger was apparently from an anarchist group known as the Space Hijackers who had come to make their feelings felt through the medium of street theatre. “We dealt with that quick smart, let me tell you. One minute street theatre, next minute dirty bomb chemical jihad attacks! You mark my words.
“And we got these really cool trucks, too. They’re big and black and armoured and have speakers on the top. Fantastic! You can blast away these bloody hippies, er, violent and vicious anarchist attackers.”
Property damage included a branch of the Royal Bank of Scotland, although the burning effigy of Sir Fred Goodwin appeared to be being hoisted by a group of normal suburban families on a day out.
Sir Luckless reiterated the need for strong policing. “Forget these ‘statistics’ showing crime going down year on year for the last two decades. Read your Daily Mail. It’s a jungle out there! You need us! More of us! To serve and protect!”
In the meantime, the G20 meeting has decided to leave the environment for a later meeting and France and Germany won’t agree with the US and UK on the economy, so the most important matter left to deal with will be how to keep the ACTA treaty secret and arrest all the filesharers.