Bacon: the viral killer

OVER 60 MILLION GOT SERVED, Mexico, Friday (NNN) — A new strain of swine flu, H1N1, has killed up to 60 people in Mexico.

The original bacon braThe virus is a mixture of swine, bird, human and computer viruses. Symptoms include fever, fatigue, lack of appetite, popup ads, coughing, sore throat, a slow connection and an urge to throw one’s computer out of a high window. The disease is thought to have started as a Windows virus on 4chan, a CIA entrapment message board for online activists, and can spread using the current Windows 7 beta.

Center for Disease Control officials looked at their huge stockpiles of H5N1 bird flu vaccine and said, “… shit.”

Citizens have panicked at the prospect of bacon being put into quarantine and substituted with some soy-based garbage. “Damn that Conficker!” shouted R. McDonald of San Bernardino, California. “Damn it all to Hell!”

“This comment from me looks Photoshopped,” said Bruce Schneier, an American computer security expert safely employed over in the UK. “I can tell by the pixels and having seen a lot of ’shops in my time. I suspect this is the work of a viral botnet spider agent replicating Trojan comments across news services until their functionality is completely destroyed. WHATEVER YOU DO, DON’T LOAD OR READ MY COMMENT. p.s.: I love you.”

Insufferably smug Macintosh user Arty Phagge was sanguine. “We know how to use condoms. And I’m a vegetarian.” The Free Software Foundation announced the launch of OpenSwine, a disease generation and detection kit available for all to use and develop in perpetuity.

Britain will be protected from the swine flu virus by comprehensive filtering of the British internet, shutting it down entirely as needed. “Would you want your husbands, your servants, accessing the Internet?” asked Home Secretary Jacqui Smith. “I put it to you that you would not.”

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3 thoughts on “Bacon: the viral killer”

  1. Version 0.1 of OpenSwine, released today, can distinguish between pigs and non-pigs.

    Later versions may add detection of flu strains, if you write the code! (If you don’t, and nobody else does, and everyone dies, then it’s going to be *your* fault.)

    — N., with intense cold, hopefully probably not flu let alone H1N1 *urk*

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