VIVISECTOR, Furtopia, Thursday (NotScientist) — A small dinosaur that once roamed northeastern China was covered with a stiff, hairlike fuzz, which suggests that anthropomorphic perversion evolved much earlier than thought — even before the Internet.
Scientists had previously identified kitten ears and fake whiskers on otherwise-cute women. But the “dinosaur furries” are only distantly related to catgirls, and may herald a horrifying new realm of things man was not meant to know.
The creature, Fursecutus dramaticii, walked on two legs and had a long tail. And a large penis. And huge breasts. Six of them. Really. Not meant to know.
Yiff Therianthrope, the one scientist on the team who did not spork his eyes out immediately upon making the find, has reported on the discovery in this month’s Journal of 4chanic Studies, including his own artistic reconstructions of the creatures, lovingly rendered in crayon on brown paper, eschewing such oppressive bourgeois affectations as knowledge of perspective or anatomy and sold on Furbid for several hundred dollars each.
Creationist groups have experienced a tremendous boost in membership, particularly the Westboro Baptist Church and their godhatesfurries.com website. “If we ever wanted proof that ‘evilution’ was the work of Satan,” said Sir Frederick Phelps, knighted after his recent Nobel Peace Prize, “dinosaur furverts are it. Pogroms and concentration camps are the only sane response. Remember: if anyone tries to tell you that hermaphrodite lizard sodomy is only right and natural, just answer: ‘But you are a furry.'”
Guest post by Andrew Bolt
It scares us stupid that random evil exists — and in people who can look as normal as our neighbours, even as they try to sabotage the machinery of civilisation. No wonder we now hear pathetic theories from global warming activist soft cocks to explain Josef Fritzl as a “blot on the Australian psyche” and “a mere aberration.”
The evil of greenie fire-lighting tree-buggering climate Nazis is boundless. Much more comforting to think there are reasons. But Josef Fritzl is not a product of a culture, but of a malignant biochemistry we do not understand, or ascribe simply to a lack of health-giving chemicals in our air and water.
That’s not what people want to hear — that in our streets lived Fritzl, capable of imprisoning his daughter in a cellar lit by energy-efficient bulbs, burning down Victoria and trying to stop you owning a four-wheel drive. But perhaps it’s the only thing we can learn from the Fritzl case — the only lesson that may just leave our children safer and ready for a world with vastly improved weather.
Evil can occur anywhere, and sometimes in people who wash and don’t have dreadlocks. We cannot let this realisation overwhelm us, but we can and must not be so trusting as to believe the devil is stuck in Australia. The cries you hear from next door may be his work, too. Pay heed.
Andrew Bolt’s book Still An Arrogant Small-Minded Suburban Cock is available through Hiedler-Collins, $19.95.
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SOMEWHERE, Er, Hold On A Tick, desu desu desu! (NNN) — US research suggests that mental powers start to dwindle at 27 after peaking at 22, marking the start of old age. As usual, the Internet is to blame.
Professor Timothy Salthouse found reasoning, spatial visualisation and speed of thought all decline when the brain is sufficiently full of puns, memes, lolcats, favourite porn sites and burnout from dealing with idiots. “And then there’s b3ta, which appears to be composed entirely of prions.”
To test mental agility, the study participants had to solve puzzles, recall words and story details and spot patterns in letters and symbols — without using a keyboard and mouse.
All participants failed dismally. “One started eating the desk. Others gibbered, screeched, masturbated furiously and flung their own faeces at the researchers through the bars.”
Professor Salthouse said that, apart from burning the Internet in a series of worldwide electromagnetic pulses — as it had been specifically designed with the aim of surviving being nuked from orbit — the most important thing now was to give him more funding. “Understanding more about how healthy brains decline could help us understand what goes wrong in serious diseases like Alzheimer’s. Now we just need to find someone on the Internet with a healthy brain.”
JOBSTOWN, Cupertino, Saturday (NNGadget) — Apple has announced its new iPod Shuffle, the smallest yet. The new Shuffle offers more storage, better sound, a talking interface (“the first talking interface on an MP3 player! Except Rockbox, but only freetards use that and they don’t count”) and superior abilities to pick up chicks.
Controversy has surrounded the new hardware requirements for the Shuffle, including new Apple-branded headphones, Apple-branded music and surgical attachment of the device to one’s genital region. “Total quality control,” said Steve Jobs. “All competitors are inferior by definition and will be crushed.”
Apple fan blogs were unanimous in their praise of the “iButtPlug” installation procedure. The hardware lock-in was a brilliant business move on Apple’s part, the best possible thing for the consumer and a moral and ethical requirement to sell MP3 players at all, wrote Daniel Eran Dilger on RoughlyDrafted. He also intimated that all negative press on the matter was yet more Microsoft astroturf and vaporware.
Microsoft countered with a preannouncement of its new Zune LP player, which works with 9.5″ vinyl discs manufactured with the PlaysYouBetcha!™ process and a cubic zirconia stylus.
“There’s no such things as Zunes,” laughed Jobs. “They’re a fairy tale we invented to get young Apple Store employees to behave.”
LANCETHRUST, Gruntfuttock, Tuesday (NNN) — Researchers disappointed millions of mediocre men today when they concluded that dosing your girlfriend with testosterone won’t get you lots of free sex either.
Procter & Gamble’s Hornymoma patch is prescribed to boost libido in women with hypoactive sexual desire disorder, which is defined as persistently diminished or absent desire for sex with medical researchers. Researchers said the patch’s effectiveness could not be proven, and that it also led to such side-effects as stroppiness, an uppity attitude and a really quite impressive right hook.
“The effects on my wife were not at all what I’d first pictured,” said Dr Ike Iheanacho, walking in with a waddle, tenderly rubbing his hindquarters and declining all offers of a chair.
Procter & Gamble said Hornymoma had been thoroughly tested and had been shown to be effective, giving their quarterly numbers a proud and vigorous response with lasting power.
SODOM, London W1, Monday (NNN) — Catholic schools fear being forced to promote Islam and homosexuality under a new legally-binding code of conduct for teachers.
Catholic leaders say Church teachings prevent it from allowing its parishioners to treat homosexuals as if they were human. “Next they’ll be stopping us from taking the kids hunting sodomites on horseback with hounds. It’s political correctness gone mad!”
Principle 4 of the draft General Teaching Council code states that teachers must “proactively challenge discrimination” and “promote equality and value diversity in all their professional relationships and interactions.” There was an “understandable fear” that this requirement could be used to oppose faith schools per se, and possibly even hamper them getting government charters and funding and juicy, juicy charitable status.
Equalities Minister Harriet Euro said there was no scope for exemptions. “We will stay true to our commitment in tackling discrimination in terms of sexual orientation, gender, race, height, weight, language, ability, intelligence or species,” she told New Communist magazine. “Until the Pope not only makes homosexual intercourse a mandatory part of mass but also personally demonstrates the proper use of a condom in Vatican Square on a male who is actually over the age of consent, the Catholic Church is guilty of genocide under European Commission regulations. You can either be against discrimination or you are personally responsible for it. All of it. In any case, you will be assimilated.”
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