Monthly Archives: February 2009

Finance, Politics, United States

Republican group to campaign against Republican stimulus backers

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THE RABBIT HOLE, Isengard, Tuesday (NNN) — The National Republican Trust will be financially supporting primary opponents of any Republican Senator or Congressman who votes for President Obama’s $800 billion economic stimulus package.

Satellite bum“We can’t have people passing bills just because they’re a good idea,” said director Scott Wheeler. “Working with others goes against everything we were elected for.

“Giving people money like this rewards failure. Taking away bankers’ bonuses turns this crisis into a catastrophe for them. We need to keep them trickling down on people.

“You have to remember, this bill’s backed by the gay-married Muslim Kenyan Frenchman who stole the Presidency from us in a liberal media conspiracy landslide. Who’s to say what the stimulus package is really for? ACORN, birth control advocates and Hollywood, that’s who! Who’s the real Stimulus Package?”

“People are hurting right now,” said Mr Obama, “but we hope to hold off the worst with targeted spending, keep the money flowing around and build up infrastructure for the future. You don’t want to think how bad things could get.”

“You betcha!” said Governor Sarah Palin, preparing for her 2012 run at the Presidency.

Health, United States

Killjoy scientists link cannabis to testicle cancer

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UH, ROUND THERE SOMEWHERE, You know the place, man, later some time I think (NNN) — American researchers have found that long-term marijuana use will literally make your balls drop off.

Sex, death and pizzaThe study, from the Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center in Seattle, is the first to look specifically at marijuana use in relation to the disease. Testicles contain receptors for tetrahydrocannabinol, meaning that smoking pot really does make your balls as big as you think it does.

“We also managed to tie it into the earlier study that showed that high sexual activity leads to prostate cancer,” said Dr Janet Daling. “Thus proving: if you touch it, it’ll drop off.”

Dr Daling said that puberty might be a “window of opportunity” during which boys were more vulnerable to environmental factors such as the chemicals in marijuana. “So all we need to do is to convince young men that sex, masturbation and getting utterly wasted is a bad idea and they shouldn’t want to do it.”

Critics of the study expressed concern over it not allowing for possible carcinogenic effects of brownies, pizza or Grateful Dead records.

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Politics, United Kingdom

Jacqui Smith denies expense wrongdoings

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THE MEMORY HOLE, Westminster, Sunday (NNN) — Home Secretary Jacqui Smith has denied breaking any rules in claiming “second home” expenses for the house she shares with her husband and children, after all investigators looking into the matter found themselves otherwise occupied with personal legal concerns.

Blingin’ Jacqui SmithMs Smith has claimed more than £116,000 in second home expenses over several years. However, several investigators had been arrested under the Protection from Harassment Act for alarming her or causing her distress. Several others were arrested under anti-terrorist legislation in order to explain their movements as documented on the new universal travel database, and two were arrested after council CCTV footage revealed a terrorist failure to recycle their rubbish properly.

A spokeswoman for Ms Smith said she had “fully abided” with expenses rules and smugly defied reporters to find any investigator who could say otherwise.

Earlier investigations of similar expense moves by Ed Balls and Yvette Cooper were abandoned after completely coincidental police threats to take away all computers, mobile phones and technological equipment more complicated than scissors away from the investigators, their families and anyone they knew unless they pled guilty to child porn charges.

Ms Smith thanked the Party for its confidence and promised to continue her work for the benefit of the law-abiding citizenry of the United Kingdom. “All twenty-two of them.”

Antarctica, United Kingdom

Snow, apparently

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GOSH, Well I Never, Monday (NNN) — In a completely expected occurrence, it snowed in winter today, providing Britain — that is to say, London — with the trivial excuse it needed to shut down entirely.

Snow!!!“We were shocked, shocked,” said the “500 Service Unavailable” page on nationalrail.co.uk. “The weather forecast was entirely accurate, completely catching us off guard.”

Everyone has called in working from home and not skiving and looking at porn all day, no no. The only workers expected to show up are the pathological corporate whores. “I bet the economy loses millions because everyone’s late into work,” said some utterly workbroken and friendless City drone under the delusion that anyone gave a damn or didn’t want him dead.

“This ‘nanny’ state is so mollycodled it cant think for itself any longer!” said BBC Have Your Say commentator Boris Busybody, East Cheam. “Its Nu-Labour terrists an the unions. STRING EM UP ITS THE ONLY LANGAGE THEYLL UNDERSTAND.”

Things should be normal by Friday with it pissing down rain, which everyone can cope with. Except train companies.

Education, Religion, Science, United Kingdom

50% of Britons don’t believe in evolution, and it doesn’t believe in them

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DO-AS-YOU-PLEASE, Faraway Tree, Sunday (NNN) — Half of British adults do not believe in evolution, with at least 22% preferring the theories of creationism or intelligent design and 10% believing in young Earth creationism, according to a survey by religious thinktank Theos.

The Creation of DawkinsCoincidentally, 35% of these respondents were found to have family trees bearing less resemblance to a branching structure than to a briar bush, and 12% considered people with ten fingers to be “signs of the devil at work.”

“We need to do whatever we can to stop ‘evil-lution,’ as I call it,” said Stephen Green of Christian Voice from his backroads homestead in deepest Carmarthenshire. “To this end, we must preserve the miracle of God’s grace of sexual reproduction and focus it inwards. Like breeding thoroughbred race horses or pedigree Chinese Cresteds.” Two of his hands emphasised this statement with a particularly striking banjo riff while the other one was holding the phone, with vocal harmonies courtesy the parasitical twin head attached to his rump.

Later this month scientists and academics from across Europe will meet in Dortmund, Germany, to discuss evolution and creationism and specific difficulties regarding the acceptance of evolution theory in their home countries. “We’re hoping they’ll be a self-solving problem as they get out-competed by amoebas, fungus and Essex girls,” said Professor Richard Dawkins, “as long as we can stop them taking the rest of us with them.”