‘United Kingdom’ Archives
London filled with evil witches, council warns schoolchildren
THE NIGHT GARDEN, Television Outskirts, Wednesday (NTN) — Northamptonshire children heading to London on school trips have been warned that they are at risk from terrorists, monsters, malevolent warlocks, Muslims, for'ners and people who read and have ten fingers. Northamptonshire County Council issued an alert to all 349 of its schools [...]
Computers turn children into Satan
PAGE 3, Channel 5, Monday (NTN) — Children spending at least two hours a day in front of a computer monitor have been scientifically proven to turn into rapacious hellspawn, say all newspapers today. Changing visual information, as opposed to safe and reliable newsprint, has been connected to behavioural problems and conformance [...]
Labour leadership election: A message to voters
The battle over which New Labour apparatchik will lead a lame duck Labour Party to resounding defeat next election is in its death throes. The party regards it as being of utmost importance to elect a leader who will show as little sign as possible of varying from the widely popular and well-loved New Labour programme that every single voter in [...]
Don’t mention Belgium, says Catholic Church
KINGDOM OF HEAVEN ON EARTH, Holy Prepuce, Monday (Vatican Rag) — The cost of the Pope's visit to Britain this week will be outweighed by the moral benefits, said the Church, not mentioning Belgium. "Nobody knows anything about religion in the UK," said Jack Valero, the spokesman for Opus Dei in Britain. "They keep going on about [...]
NHS budget in parking-led recovery
HOLDING PEN, Knacker's Yard, Sunday (NTN) — The government has carefully balanced the NHS budget using parking fees. "The NHS remains free at the point of contact," said health minister Simon Burns. "But we didn't say anything about getting to the point of contact." In 2009, Labour health secretary Andy Burnham promised to scrap the fees. [...]
Terry Jones burns Times paywall at Ground Zero
DESOLATION BOULEVARDE, Whopping, Friday (Mediocre Grauniad) — Terry Jones has called off his plans to burn a copy of The Times at Ground Zero tomorrow, after the paywall caught alight for half an hour on Friday afternoon. Jones had planned to burn The Times because, he claimed, Rupert Murdoch would not rest until he had paywalled all of [...]
Junior doctors inexplicably run screaming from medical hellholes
SHIPMAN TEACHING HOSPITAL, University of Crippen, Monday (NTNHS) — Nearly a quarter of English junior doctors drop out of their NHS training after two years of shovelling twice the shit in half the time with no guidance or funding. The government blamed Europe. The EU Working Time Directive means that junior doctors are no longer free, [...]
Hawking’s statement of the bloody obvious betrays lack of theological understanding
THE RUPTURE, Tower of Art, Friday (NotScientist) — Stephen Hawking's claims that no God was required to create the Earth six thousand years ago, and moreover that it is round, are trivially ignorant and heretical. He betrays the shallowness of his theological understanding with the sentence: "Look, you drooling idiots, we can see across [...]
Tony Blair confesses to bore crimes
THE MEMORY WHOLE, London SW1A 1AA, Wednesday (NTN) — Tony Blair's memoir, Seven Hundred Pages Of Tedious Equivocation, has caused mass outbreaks of violent ennui and destroyed the minds of the few remaining people who care. The carnage has been truly numbing. Blair has expressed his "anguish" and "regret" at the millions who, having [...]
England beats the colonies for once, really it does
LARDS, Motley Cricket Club, Tuesday (NTN) — The cricket world has been rocked by suggestions that Pakistan may have deliberately thrown games and England might not actually be the geniuses of sport they consider themselves. England captain Stuart Broad stoutly maintained that England's victories had been every bit as much of a sporting [...]
