WINTER OF LOVE, 30 Millbank, Thursday (NTN) — Nick Clegg has expressed his “regret” at having made promises that actually involved testable claims, though not at breaking said promises.
“I’m sorry, I’m still a bit new to all this POWER POOOWEERRR AHAHAHA COWER BEFORE MY MIGHT stuff,” said Mr Clegg. “We thought it was about promising nice things that people would like. Our manifesto is completely applicable in the real world, if you assume a perfectly spherical polity of uniform density in a vacuum at absolute zero.
“But Dave has been very helpful in explaining to us the ineffable theological nature of political promises, which occupy the magisterium of the heart and soul rather than anything that interacts with the crass material world. Apparently I’m supposed to tell you to have faith in our essential Liberal Democrat nature, and do it convincingly enough you’ll think we still believe in these ‘LibDem principle’ things even while we’re putting the most atrocious plans into motion. The way Labour did it.”
The Conservative plan to squeeze students until the pips rattle has been controversial. The evidence to students that voting doesn’t actually work has led to photogenic conduct in the streets, with one photograph being published on the front pages of nine separate newspapers. “The violence was appalling,” said Mr Clegg. “Property damage is of course the same as violence. We are LibDems, you know.”
Alternate plans include making up the deficit in tuition fees with a tax on advertising everyday tedious shitkicking jobs as somehow requiring a degree. “This may include 99% of all jobs by 2015.”
Mr Clegg celebrated six months of POWER AHAHAHAHAHA POWER with a small house party, to which 21,000 people were invited on Facebook and three showed up with bottles of homemade nettle wine, which they left behind unopened while taking home the nice stuff Nick had laid on. “What? No, Dave didn’t show up. The kid’s hair needed washing or something. He was very nice about it, though.”
PAGE 3, Channel 5, Saturday (NTN) — An “internet troll” who posted offensive messages on the World Wide Web has been revealed to be the Daily Mail.
The Mail “preyed on bereaved families” for its “own pleasure”, the Press Complaints Council heard.
The paper was charged with sending malicious communications that were grossly offensive. The posts included comments claiming the victims had brought it upon themselves by being asylum-seeking homosexual Poles who caused EU cancer.
It was only caught when it sent residents copies of itself saying “FREE DVD FOR EVERY READER.”
The term “troll” was described in court as someone who creates numerous identities, called “columnists,” and then posts offensive bollocks to upset or provoke a reaction from others and gain page hits and advertising revenue.
“You preyed on bereaved families who were suffering trauma and anxiety,” said chairwoman of the bench Pauline Salisbury. “We know you gained pleasure and you aren’t sorry for what you did.”
The paper has been convicted of sending “malicious communications” and the editor has been given a knighthood and a rôle as official advisor on government policy.
The defence raised possible mental health issues, but this was dismissed by the bench.
DERAIL REPLACEMENT BUS, Tranniesport For London, Wednesday (NTN) — An Associated Newspapers journalist dressed as a human was pushed under a train by everyone who had suffered the Daily Mail in the past two days.
The incident started with shouting and a scuffle as people pushed forward to be the one to throw the abomination under a train. The benighted and unnatural creature was dressed in clothes normally worn by people, as opposed to the foetid rags issued to staff by Northcliffe Media, and had applied choking quantities of perfume to cover the stench of moral decay. Other reporters covering the incident hypothesised the misbegotten object was on its way to a “party” at 6:37pm.
It was initially reported that an actual person had died, but fortunately the media was able to make it as clear as possible what a disgusting freak the “trans-human” so-called victim was. Prosecutors had tried to ban the publication of the victim’s name, saying it would cause a substantial risk of serious prejudice to any trial. Thankfully, British journalism is above any such petty considerations.
Police are seeking Julie Bindel to assist with their inquiries.
SOME LIKE IT HOT, Going Underground, Wednesday (NTN) — Fire fighters are encouraging Satanic worship and damaging Britain’s economy by threatening to strike, says Communities minister Bob Neil.
The government released a YouTube video showing Fire Brigades Union officials demonstrating with anarchist flags, consorting with Satan and taking a goat’s virginity on the standard model striker’s brazier outside Southwark Fire Station.
“It’s outrageous that the demonic hordes of Hell are behind strong-arm tactics to intimidate working crews, put people’s lives at risk and damage the economic gains we’ve already been making. We call on Lucifer to repudiate these allegations and behave with greater fiscal responsibility.”
Industrial action is scheduled for next Monday and on Bonfire Night, when, according to Mr Neil, Liberal Democrat members of Parliament will be sacrificed on the flames to avert five thousand firemen being made redundant and increase the social welfare bill.
Mr Neil stopped short of asserting links between the FBU and Bob Crow of the RMT, however. “Look, now you’re just being silly.”
SOMA, Brave New World, Monday (NTN) — Controversial charity Project Prevention is offering cut-addicted Conservatives hundreds of pounds in return for making sure they never breed under any circumstances.
Their motto is “stop the problem before it happens.” But the system raises fundamental questions about people’s — and Tories’ — right to have children. It has, unsurprisingly, prompted intense controversy.
“The scheme is exploitative, ethically dubious and morally questionable,” said Tory welfare campaigner Nick Clegg. “It’s an abuse of human motivations. You can’t expect a Tory, in the throes of fiscal probity, to pass up the slightest chance for a few quid. Particularly when you dangle twenty-pound notes in front of them from a fishing rod. And tell them to dance, little man, dance. Sorry, what were you saying?”
Mr Clegg claims the move dehumanises Tories. “It treats them as some sort of lesser being, one that’s not capable of higher human emotions, of love, of compassion, of care for their fellow man … well, all right, I can see their point.
“But who would be targeted next? Liberal Democrat cabinet members? The right wing of Labour? What sort of person would just slash these people’s goolies off? Look, stop applauding.”
MISSILE COMMAND, South Bank, Monday (NTN) — A new generation of sophisticated “cyber terrorists” are to be blamed for the imminent failure of the London 2012 Olympics.
Although the Coalition’s National Security Strategy identifies climate change, population growth, the rise of al-Qaeda and the return of Northern Ireland-based terrorism as significant problems, the document focuses on the most important threat to Britain: attacks on the economic interests of Conservative party backers.
The terrorists, hypothesised to be Internet fundamentalists devoted to copying MP3s, deriding software patents, editing Wikipedia and turning British athletic prowess into nanotechnological dust, will use artificial intelligence to hack into the ZX Spectrum that runs Boris Johnson and replace him with a slightly larger shell script.
A large-scale conventional military attack on the UK is rated only as a “tier three” priority alongside disruption to oil and gas supplies and a large-scale radioactive release from a civil nuclear site. “File sharing. That’s how they’ll destroy us all. Don’t say you weren’t warned! ACS:Law and the Ministry of Sound are just the first shots!”
The 8% cut in the defence budget will be patched with an additional £500m of spending on “all things ‘cyber,’” focused on the very finest snake oil that the party’s very dearest friends can sell.
In a joint foreword to the strategy, Prime Minister David Cameron and Deputy Cameron Nick Clegg said that there needs to be a “radical transformation” in British national security. “We are entering an age of uncertainty. This strategy should nicely put the wind up voters in time for the alternative vote referendum. Strangely enough, we both think we can get our way. This proves the deep agreement at the heart of the Coalition. Nick thinks so too, I’m sure he would if I asked him.”
HOT HOT HOT, Slice the Salami, Wednesday (NTN) — Pizza Express will train customer service staff in charm, small talk, flirting and the secret arts of workplace seduction.
Coaches have been brought in to raise employees to a professional standard of temptation all but guaranteed to ruin the judgement of any red-blooded customer and leave them wondering why they thought a Thursday three-for-two deal was a good idea.
“Social media web 2.0 texting eff-two-eff,” said marketing marketer Emma Woods, “compelling story passionate customer service unique techniques complete redefinition of restaurant experience stop me before I kill again. Free garlic bread, happy finish extra.”
New staff are shipped in from eastern Europe under pretence of working in a brothel, only to find themselves confined to a small suburban high street pizza shop in the slums of Richmond and forced into the most degrading emotional labour and pretence of giving a damn. The company controls them by threatening to release photographs of them eating the food.
Turning the staff into bar girls is considered cheaper and more feasible than serving edible meals.
THE NIGHT GARDEN, Television Outskirts, Wednesday (NTN) — Northamptonshire children heading to London on school trips have been warned that they are at risk from terrorists, monsters, malevolent warlocks, Muslims, for’ners and people who read and have ten fingers.
Northamptonshire County Council issued an alert to all 349 of its schools warning of the memetic evil contained in the slavering pit of depravity in question. The council introduced the measure as the current ambient nonspecific fear level in Britain is “severe,” meaning a terrorist attack has happened in the past ten years.
“It is certain that, should any child be so foolish as to go near London, they shall be lured into a gingerbread house and boiled in the cauldron lickety-spit. Placing their parents in stocks in the village square before their children can be subjected to such horrors is part of the council’s duty of care.”
Head teachers have been ordered to inform the council’s Witchfinder General of any plans for visits to the capital. Parents who fill in permission slips for trips to London will be advised by the Inquisition of the threat of them meeting persons who are not quite our sort of people at all, darling, and given the option to withdraw their children or face the Question.
Mother-of-two Rachel Peace, from Kettering, said the council’s warning seemed “a bit excessive,” and complained of the expense of torches and pitchforks in school uniform colours.
PAGE 3, Channel 5, Monday (NTN) — Children spending at least two hours a day in front of a computer monitor have been scientifically proven to turn into rapacious hellspawn, say all newspapers today.
Changing visual information, as opposed to safe and reliable newsprint, has been connected to behavioural problems and conformance disabilities in children.
“Those younger than eighteen are developmentally incapable of distinguishing between the good, wholesome products of accredited journalists and seditious content that may lead to negative thinking,” said researcher Desmond Murdoch of the University of Metro. Repeated exposure to unedited information can lead to “fear and anxiety, sensitization to the suffering of others, increases in assertive attitudes, thoughts and behaviors, social concern and possible voting,” he said. “The best science money can buy proves it.”
Outraged Internet users notified all their friends on Facebook of an email campaign to alert people to this hopelessly biased abuse of scientific publishing, attending a protest against the event by changing their listed location on Twitter and adding a logo to their icon before being distracted by the next shiny thing. Fortunately, none of them had bred or would breed.
“I met a doctor once,” said Mr Murdoch. “Or handed one a cheque with a significant quantity of zeroes on it, anyway.”
The battle over which New Labour apparatchik will lead a lame duck Labour Party to resounding defeat next election is in its death throes.
The party regards it as being of utmost importance to elect a leader who will show as little sign as possible of varying from the widely popular and well-loved New Labour programme that every single voter in Britain, particularly the Labour ones, showed their appreciation for last election. This leader can then be taken out and shot when they lose the next election.
It is understood that a token left-winger is running, so that the party can feel ideological diversity is appropriately patronised. Take care not to vote for this person under any circumstances.
Some have spoken of trying to understand why so many voters wanted to fucking kill both Blair and Brown with their bare hands, and suggested that Labour should perhaps avoid doing those things next time, or at least, showing appropriately marketable sensitivity, say they were. You will be pleased to know that they are firmly onside with the programme in its broad sweep.
The important point for all party members to keep in mind is that Peter Mandelson is to be reelected as Grand Vizier and esteemed advisor. You know it makes sense. To victory!