MISS PRICE’S FINISHING COLLEGE, Essex, Thursday (NTN) — British teenage girls have “the worst binge drinking culture in the Western world” and need better advice on getting smashed with style and elegance.
Half of all 15-year-old girls cannot distinguish Merlots per region, while more than a quarter of 16- and 17-year-old girls are unable to tell a genuine French champagne from méthode Champenoise sparkling wines made in other regions. The bankruptcy of several chains of off-licences has led to a terrible information deficit, with local corner shops unable to reliably advise which superlager best goes with a kebab and chips.
The Demos report sets out recommendations for a youth policy to “empower” young women. “Ministers need to address the underlying problems of low self-esteem and poor parenting during younger girls’ early years, with wine appreciation lessons added to the National Curriculum and annual standardised testing on cork extraction with a flick-knife.”
The report also addresses the damage binge drinking can do, with the risk of camera phone photos showing up on Facebook of girls puking in the gutter while wearing Claire’s Accessories tat.
The government has responded to the report by mooting a special tax on “underclass” alcohol, thus giving people the get-up-and-go entrepreneurial business incentive to make bathtub moonshine and cost the NHS a fortune due to methanol poisoning.
TELLYHOUSE, Cable and Witless, Wednesday (NTN) — Virgin Media will shortly trial 1.5Gbps cable Internet, but only to festering dot-com media cocks who live actually around Shoreditch itself.
“As the pace of technological change increases,” said the ISP in the press release all the papers copied word for word, “it is vitally important to public health that these people have as absolutely much incentive as possible never to leave their homes. Wanking themselves silly over gigabytes of high-definition porn also reduces their likelihood of reproducing.”
With the warmer weather, the Hoxton toxic waste pool has been growing and spreading, with reports of hipster infestations washing up as far afield as Hackney.
If the creative industries cannot be kept under control, by 2015 the entire population of Britain may be beret-wearing latte-sipping surrender monkeys telling you how much they just can’t stand hipsters. Virgin Media is currently rolling out 100Mbps broadband to two million of the most endangered residential premises in the hope of effective quarantine.
In the wider world, high speed Internet will apparently let consumers access all manner of as yet nonexistent socially-redeeming services made of magic beans and pink unicorns, which actually means BitTorrenting a pirated movie in under five minutes. And hitting your download cap in another ten.
Virgin Media also announced that its overall revenue for the first quarter was up 5.7 percent to £982m, as a result of the utter lack of any correlation between making money on a service and actually being able to provide it in a manner even slightly resembling reliability or competence.
THE NINTH CIRCLE, Dibley, Saturday (TNN) — The Last Supper happened “in an unknown cosmic dimension, probably on a Wednesday,” says a professor of a subject that has nothing to do with theology, history or archaeology but does involve inhalation of heavy metal fumes.
Professor Colin Humphreys of Cambridge University says discrepancies in the Gospels of Matthew, Mark and Luke as compared with John arose because they used an older calendar than the official Jewish one. Also, that they were provably written decades after the purported fact and it would be amazing if they had any relation whatsoever to reality, let alone each other.
In his new GeoCities website PDF The Mystery Of The Last Supper: In Space!!, the metallurgist and materials scientist uses Biblical, historical and astronomical research to address the fundamental inconsistencies in his own head about the event.
“While Matthew, Mark and Luke say the Last Supper coincided with the start of the Jewish festival of Passover, John claims it took place before Passover. Furthermore, Jesus’ arrest, interrogation and separate trials could not all have taken place on one night only. This has puzzled Biblical scholars for centuries, or at least the ones who don’t know anything about Biblical scholarship.
“This could be explained by the canonical gospels being just four of about twenty allegorlcal narratives written a century later, but, as I explain in my book, it is much more likely to be due to a visiting Cylon battle cruiser beaming down Scotty in the TARDIS.
“I have concluded from my studies that the date this all occurred was 1 April AD33, which my materials science colleagues find amusing for some reason.”
Prof Humphreys will be releasing the second part of his revelatory work “as soon as I get another barrel of green ink in.”
KINDLING, The Amazon, Monday (NTN) — Internet eBook piracy is a “colossal” problem, the Publishers Association warned last night, thus alerting every Metro reader they never needed pay for a book again, having spent the last few years getting thoroughly used to having all their music and movies for free.
The own-goal of giving superlative publicity to their own replacement was applauded by the music industry, which is soon to be purchased at an end-of-business clearance sale by Google. “We suffered for our art,” said Feargal Sharkey, “now it’s their turn.”
Some authors disagree, having had spectacular success with giving away material online. “I mean, you can say, ‘oh, it’s different for Neil Gaiman, he’s an exception, he’s actually talented and worth reading,'” said Cory Doctorow. “But on the other hand, there’s me.”
Some authors have placed “logic bombs” in online books. The new Jeffrey Archer novel has been released in a format booby-trapped with text written by Jeffrey Archer.
The Pirate Bay commended information wanting to be free “or at least very cheap indeed” and noted the powerful incentives to untrammeled political discourse afforded by epilepsy-inducing flashing ad banners and browser popups for online poker and Russian mail-order brides.
WINTER OF LOVE, 30 Millbank, Thursday (NTN) — Nick Clegg has expressed his “regret” at having made promises that actually involved testable claims, though not at breaking said promises.
“I’m sorry, I’m still a bit new to all this POWER POOOWEERRR AHAHAHA COWER BEFORE MY MIGHT stuff,” said Mr Clegg. “We thought it was about promising nice things that people would like. Our manifesto is completely applicable in the real world, if you assume a perfectly spherical polity of uniform density in a vacuum at absolute zero.
“But Dave has been very helpful in explaining to us the ineffable theological nature of political promises, which occupy the magisterium of the heart and soul rather than anything that interacts with the crass material world. Apparently I’m supposed to tell you to have faith in our essential Liberal Democrat nature, and do it convincingly enough you’ll think we still believe in these ‘LibDem principle’ things even while we’re putting the most atrocious plans into motion. The way Labour did it.”
The Conservative plan to squeeze students until the pips rattle has been controversial. The evidence to students that voting doesn’t actually work has led to photogenic conduct in the streets, with one photograph being published on the front pages of nine separate newspapers. “The violence was appalling,” said Mr Clegg. “Property damage is of course the same as violence. We are LibDems, you know.”
Alternate plans include making up the deficit in tuition fees with a tax on advertising everyday tedious shitkicking jobs as somehow requiring a degree. “This may include 99% of all jobs by 2015.”
Mr Clegg celebrated six months of POWER AHAHAHAHAHA POWER with a small house party, to which 21,000 people were invited on Facebook and three showed up with bottles of homemade nettle wine, which they left behind unopened while taking home the nice stuff Nick had laid on. “What? No, Dave didn’t show up. The kid’s hair needed washing or something. He was very nice about it, though.”
PAGE 3, Channel 5, Saturday (NTN) — An “internet troll” who posted offensive messages on the World Wide Web has been revealed to be the Daily Mail.
The Mail “preyed on bereaved families” for its “own pleasure”, the Press Complaints Council heard.
The paper was charged with sending malicious communications that were grossly offensive. The posts included comments claiming the victims had brought it upon themselves by being asylum-seeking homosexual Poles who caused EU cancer.
It was only caught when it sent residents copies of itself saying “FREE DVD FOR EVERY READER.”
The term “troll” was described in court as someone who creates numerous identities, called “columnists,” and then posts offensive bollocks to upset or provoke a reaction from others and gain page hits and advertising revenue.
“You preyed on bereaved families who were suffering trauma and anxiety,” said chairwoman of the bench Pauline Salisbury. “We know you gained pleasure and you aren’t sorry for what you did.”
The paper has been convicted of sending “malicious communications” and the editor has been given a knighthood and a rôle as official advisor on government policy.
The defence raised possible mental health issues, but this was dismissed by the bench.
DERAIL REPLACEMENT BUS, Tranniesport For London, Wednesday (NTN) — An Associated Newspapers journalist dressed as a human was pushed under a train by everyone who had suffered the Daily Mail in the past two days.
The incident started with shouting and a scuffle as people pushed forward to be the one to throw the abomination under a train. The benighted and unnatural creature was dressed in clothes normally worn by people, as opposed to the foetid rags issued to staff by Northcliffe Media, and had applied choking quantities of perfume to cover the stench of moral decay. Other reporters covering the incident hypothesised the misbegotten object was on its way to a “party” at 6:37pm.
It was initially reported that an actual person had died, but fortunately the media was able to make it as clear as possible what a disgusting freak the “trans-human” so-called victim was. Prosecutors had tried to ban the publication of the victim’s name, saying it would cause a substantial risk of serious prejudice to any trial. Thankfully, British journalism is above any such petty considerations.
Police are seeking Julie Bindel to assist with their inquiries.
SOME LIKE IT HOT, Going Underground, Wednesday (NTN) — Fire fighters are encouraging Satanic worship and damaging Britain’s economy by threatening to strike, says Communities minister Bob Neil.
The government released a YouTube video showing Fire Brigades Union officials demonstrating with anarchist flags, consorting with Satan and taking a goat’s virginity on the standard model striker’s brazier outside Southwark Fire Station.
“It’s outrageous that the demonic hordes of Hell are behind strong-arm tactics to intimidate working crews, put people’s lives at risk and damage the economic gains we’ve already been making. We call on Lucifer to repudiate these allegations and behave with greater fiscal responsibility.”
Industrial action is scheduled for next Monday and on Bonfire Night, when, according to Mr Neil, Liberal Democrat members of Parliament will be sacrificed on the flames to avert five thousand firemen being made redundant and increase the social welfare bill.
Mr Neil stopped short of asserting links between the FBU and Bob Crow of the RMT, however. “Look, now you’re just being silly.”
SOMA, Brave New World, Monday (NTN) — Controversial charity Project Prevention is offering cut-addicted Conservatives hundreds of pounds in return for making sure they never breed under any circumstances.
Their motto is “stop the problem before it happens.” But the system raises fundamental questions about people’s — and Tories’ — right to have children. It has, unsurprisingly, prompted intense controversy.
“The scheme is exploitative, ethically dubious and morally questionable,” said Tory welfare campaigner Nick Clegg. “It’s an abuse of human motivations. You can’t expect a Tory, in the throes of fiscal probity, to pass up the slightest chance for a few quid. Particularly when you dangle twenty-pound notes in front of them from a fishing rod. And tell them to dance, little man, dance. Sorry, what were you saying?”
Mr Clegg claims the move dehumanises Tories. “It treats them as some sort of lesser being, one that’s not capable of higher human emotions, of love, of compassion, of care for their fellow man … well, all right, I can see their point.
“But who would be targeted next? Liberal Democrat cabinet members? The right wing of Labour? What sort of person would just slash these people’s goolies off? Look, stop applauding.”
MISSILE COMMAND, South Bank, Monday (NTN) — A new generation of sophisticated “cyber terrorists” are to be blamed for the imminent failure of the London 2012 Olympics.
Although the Coalition’s National Security Strategy identifies climate change, population growth, the rise of al-Qaeda and the return of Northern Ireland-based terrorism as significant problems, the document focuses on the most important threat to Britain: attacks on the economic interests of Conservative party backers.
The terrorists, hypothesised to be Internet fundamentalists devoted to copying MP3s, deriding software patents, editing Wikipedia and turning British athletic prowess into nanotechnological dust, will use artificial intelligence to hack into the ZX Spectrum that runs Boris Johnson and replace him with a slightly larger shell script.
A large-scale conventional military attack on the UK is rated only as a “tier three” priority alongside disruption to oil and gas supplies and a large-scale radioactive release from a civil nuclear site. “File sharing. That’s how they’ll destroy us all. Don’t say you weren’t warned! ACS:Law and the Ministry of Sound are just the first shots!”
The 8% cut in the defence budget will be patched with an additional £500m of spending on “all things ‘cyber,'” focused on the very finest snake oil that the party’s very dearest friends can sell.
In a joint foreword to the strategy, Prime Minister David Cameron and Deputy Cameron Nick Clegg said that there needs to be a “radical transformation” in British national security. “We are entering an age of uncertainty. This strategy should nicely put the wind up voters in time for the alternative vote referendum. Strangely enough, we both think we can get our way. This proves the deep agreement at the heart of the Coalition. Nick thinks so too, I’m sure he would if I asked him.”