BOLGIAS 8 AND 9, The Next Room, Thursday (NTN) — Babies who wake up during the night to be fed really are seeking to consume all possible resources including your sanity, a new Harvard study confirms.
Furthermore, evolution, which is an utter utter bastard, is directly responsible for the child puking and shitting randomly in difficult-to-reach places when very young, and putting bananas into the DVD player of your desktop computer when older.
Professor David Haigh said babies are most likely to wake in the night around six months, “though they’re certainly no slouches before then.” The exhaustion and sleeplessness is intended to have a contraceptive effect, leaving you swearing never to have sex again. Assuming your fertility has survived the uncannily accurate kicks to the genitals.
“We believe the ‘baby’ is in fact a variety of soul-sucking wasp that literally subsists on human kindness and decency, turning it into semi-liquid yellow-brown faeces. And malice.”
The instinct likely developed over thousands of years. “We didn’t have DVD players in ancient times, but that just shows how planned out the little arseholes’ evil really is. There are also important unanswered questions concerning the Dark Lord Justin Fletcher’s involvement in the matter.”
KER-PLUNKET, New Zealand, Tuesday (NZN) — Prince George will have his debut public engagement tomorrow at a parent and baby group in the colonies — meeting all manner of social inferiors.
The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge will take their eight-month-old son to a playgroup at Government House in Wellington. All of the babies have been security-screened and ideologically vetted.
It will be the first time that the third in line to the throne has undertaken a public duty — but it won’t be the last, in a lifetime of workfare.
The lucky ten families chosen to meet the Cambridges spoke of their excitement and hopes that George’s aura would heal their scrofula. Kate Bainbridge, 29, a tax accountant, said, “It’s not quite the thaumaturgic royal touch of the actual monarch, but in these more socially equitable modern times the third in line should still have a statistically significant effect greater than placebo. I’ve had a few jealous looks from other parents when they found out our Sophie would never need vaccination again.
“Even though we come from a very different background, we have got a lot in common with the Duke and Duchess, such as the same number of limbs and heads. Though our gene pool is a little wider.”
Also meeting the royal visitors will be a breeding pair of token gay fathers, Jared and Ryan Mullen, and their daughter Isabella, because we’re all enlightened now and browse the web with Chrome.
Philip Gray, 40, said he will be the third generation of his family to meet a royal visitor. “We have records going back a number of years. The limb and head count has remained consistent over the decades, although reliable measurements of the intensity of the healing aura are difficult to obtain.
“Maybe one day our daughter Isabella will met Prince George’s children in turn and further advance our understanding of these fascinating creatures. You’d almost believe they’re human sometimes.”
THE WHITE ROOM, Trancentral, Thursday (NTNME) — The illegal party drug ketamine is an “exciting” and “dramatic” new treatment for depression, say doctors who waited about two decades too long before conducting the first trials in the UK.
The single small study has attracted due caution from evidence-based medicine experts, since 80% of single studies turn out to be in error. However, middle-aged doctors and researchers who feel they didn’t get out enough in their youth are clamouring to do multiple large-scale replications of the study, probably this weekend.
The findings open up whole new avenues of research. “It’s the sort of thing really that makes it worth doing psychiatry,” said lead researcher Dr Rupert McShane, or, as he now calls himself, DJ Rupie McK-Hole. “Can we get back into trials on LSD yet? I understand there’s also considerable clinical possibilities for the therapeutic qualities of sequences of repetitive beats, MDMA and the possibility of shagging cute raver chicks like the ones I remember.”
The duration of the effect is still a problem. “We’ll have to make sure we repeat the trials next weekend and the weekend after as well. For science and verifiability.”
OH FUCK NOT HEALTH, Bullingdon, Monday (NTN) — The Prime Minister, David Cameron, yesterday categorically denied every intention the Conservatives have had toward the NHS for the past sixty-three years.
“There will be no privatisation,” he declared, “no cherry-picking from private providers.” Other Tory dreams he denied included a US-style health insurance regime, the poor dying for lack of £200 antibiotics and A&E departments doing credit checks before treatment.
“Our changes are a logical extension of tried-and-tested policies initiated by governments of all parties in recent years,” he noted, alluding to Tony Blair’s previous attempts to sell off the NHS to American insurance companies.
Mr Cameron noted what a tremendous help the NHS had been to his own family, and that to let it carry on further beyond this apotheosis of perfection was a betrayal of its artistic potential. “Better to shoot it through the head now than let it linger on, touring into its seventies like the Rolling Stones. Let it be remembered for its best.”
The Daily Telegraph condemned Mr Cameron’s plans as hopelessly wishy-washy, noting that not publicly whipping accident victims for visiting A&E would constitute an insupportable moral hazard and make Britain excessively tempting to Eastern European people smugglers, and blaming Nick Clegg’s malign influence on Mr Cameron’s otherwise-pure Tory soul. Mr Clegg assured the press that he would agree with everything Mr Cameron suggested in a vigorous and muscular manner.
Scientists from the Karolinska Institute in Stockholm have discovered that five cups of coffee a day can halve the risk of breast cancer in post-menopausal women, and have recommended the practice to the Daily Mail.
The study notes that the article the Mail ran was the usual fill-in-the-blanks cancer article, but that subscriptions were dropping off at a most gratifying rate, most from heart attacks, several from the strokes the Mail had written about coffee causing a few days earlier, and a few from spouting random rambling bigotry so fast their dentures melted.
People whose parents not only read the Mail but talk about it were shown to have a 57 per cent reduced risk of developing aneurysms from an excess of poisonous wretchedness.
Study co-author Per Hal has noted there is often conflicting information about the beneficial health effects of coffee. “However, the nagging old bat upstairs who gets her Daily Mail flown in every day and condemns me as a ‘foreigner’ and asks why I speak English with such a funny accent has been remarkably quiet of late. I wonder why that is. Not very hard, though.”
GOLDACRE, Moron Piers, Friday (NTN) — New results showing strokes could be caused by coffee, sex or blowing your nose were hailed by the tabloid media as the “new cancer.”
The study on 250 patients identified eight risk factors linked to bleeding on the brain: sex, coffee, nose-blowing, Nick Clegg, Tories, mind-buggering stupidity, the Daily Mail and being related to its readers.
Associated Newspapers have long worried at the decline in the market for things that could possibly cause cancer. Scare stories on strokes — starting at everyday things and progressing to everything — could make up the difference.
“For the general population our findings on strokes do not apply,” said the original researcher, Dr Monique Vlak, though that bit was inexplicably left out of any of the newspaper reports.
The Mail is now seeking out researchers at second-string universities in need of publicity for a mutually advantageous relationship establishing that strokes can be caused by homosexuals, swan-eating Eastern Europeans, declines in house prices and not buying the Daily Mail.
They feel their position is particularly strong with Richard Littlejohn on hand to give their readers’ brains a taste of what might befall them.
MISS PRICE’S FINISHING COLLEGE, Essex, Thursday (NTN) — British teenage girls have “the worst binge drinking culture in the Western world” and need better advice on getting smashed with style and elegance.
Half of all 15-year-old girls cannot distinguish Merlots per region, while more than a quarter of 16- and 17-year-old girls are unable to tell a genuine French champagne from méthode Champenoise sparkling wines made in other regions. The bankruptcy of several chains of off-licences has led to a terrible information deficit, with local corner shops unable to reliably advise which superlager best goes with a kebab and chips.
The Demos report sets out recommendations for a youth policy to “empower” young women. “Ministers need to address the underlying problems of low self-esteem and poor parenting during younger girls’ early years, with wine appreciation lessons added to the National Curriculum and annual standardised testing on cork extraction with a flick-knife.”
The report also addresses the damage binge drinking can do, with the risk of camera phone photos showing up on Facebook of girls puking in the gutter while wearing Claire’s Accessories tat.
The government has responded to the report by mooting a special tax on “underclass” alcohol, thus giving people the get-up-and-go entrepreneurial business incentive to make bathtub moonshine and cost the NHS a fortune due to methanol poisoning.
SOMA, Brave New World, Monday (NTN) — Controversial charity Project Prevention is offering cut-addicted Conservatives hundreds of pounds in return for making sure they never breed under any circumstances.
Their motto is “stop the problem before it happens.” But the system raises fundamental questions about people’s — and Tories’ — right to have children. It has, unsurprisingly, prompted intense controversy.
“The scheme is exploitative, ethically dubious and morally questionable,” said Tory welfare campaigner Nick Clegg. “It’s an abuse of human motivations. You can’t expect a Tory, in the throes of fiscal probity, to pass up the slightest chance for a few quid. Particularly when you dangle twenty-pound notes in front of them from a fishing rod. And tell them to dance, little man, dance. Sorry, what were you saying?”
Mr Clegg claims the move dehumanises Tories. “It treats them as some sort of lesser being, one that’s not capable of higher human emotions, of love, of compassion, of care for their fellow man … well, all right, I can see their point.
“But who would be targeted next? Liberal Democrat cabinet members? The right wing of Labour? What sort of person would just slash these people’s goolies off? Look, stop applauding.”
PAGE 3, Channel 5, Monday (NTN) — Children spending at least two hours a day in front of a computer monitor have been scientifically proven to turn into rapacious hellspawn, say all newspapers today.
Changing visual information, as opposed to safe and reliable newsprint, has been connected to behavioural problems and conformance disabilities in children.
“Those younger than eighteen are developmentally incapable of distinguishing between the good, wholesome products of accredited journalists and seditious content that may lead to negative thinking,” said researcher Desmond Murdoch of the University of Metro. Repeated exposure to unedited information can lead to “fear and anxiety, sensitization to the suffering of others, increases in assertive attitudes, thoughts and behaviors, social concern and possible voting,” he said. “The best science money can buy proves it.”
Outraged Internet users notified all their friends on Facebook of an email campaign to alert people to this hopelessly biased abuse of scientific publishing, attending a protest against the event by changing their listed location on Twitter and adding a logo to their icon before being distracted by the next shiny thing. Fortunately, none of them had bred or would breed.
“I met a doctor once,” said Mr Murdoch. “Or handed one a cheque with a significant quantity of zeroes on it, anyway.”
HOLDING PEN, Knacker’s Yard, Sunday (NTN) — The government has carefully balanced the NHS budget using parking fees. “The NHS remains free at the point of contact,” said health minister Simon Burns. “But we didn’t say anything about getting to the point of contact.”
In 2009, Labour health secretary Andy Burnham promised to scrap the fees. He also promised to eliminate MRSA, help alleviate the symptoms of cancer with regular use, fit anyone who asked with new robot limbs and a forehead-mounted laser cannon, square the circle and make Labour sound reelectable.
But Mr Burns said this was not a U-turn. “It’s more of a sideways shuffle, like the road sign where the car’s tracks actually cross. We practiced that manoeuvre for quite some time in opposition, so you could reap the benefit.”
NHS trusts will be able to decide individually whether to offer parking free or to continue the charges and make another £100 million that year. “I’m sure we can expect them to do the right thing.”
Mr Burns emphasised the role of the tax system in properly motivating people to health. “Parking fees are vital in keeping people away from clostridium difficile and the awful café snacks.” He also spoke of the “underappreciated” role of homeopathy in the NHS, particularly homeopathic quantities of funding.