‘Health’ Archives
Junior doctors inexplicably run screaming from medical hellholes
SHIPMAN TEACHING HOSPITAL, University of Crippen, Monday (NTNHS) — Nearly a quarter of English junior doctors drop out of their NHS training after two years of shovelling twice the shit in half the time with no guidance or funding. The government blamed Europe. The EU Working Time Directive means that junior doctors are no longer free, [...]
NHS Direct to be replaced with Internet chat sessions
OH FUCK NOT HEALTH, It's Grim Up Westminster, Saturday (NTN) — The NHS Direct telephone help service is to be scrapped and replaced with a recorded service, Internet chat sessions and a web page. The 111 helpline, already in place in non-Tory parts of England, has been a "vast success" in cost-cutting, said health secretary Andrew [...]
Women may have 104 hairstyles in a single edition
WELL I NEVER, Wake Me Up Before I Stop Stop, Wednesday (NTN) — University of Metro researchers say that women can have 104 hairstyles in a single reading of a paper on the morning bus or train. The study of 3,000 women, all in the commercially desirable 20-39 office worker demographic, revealed 44 per cent changed their hair because of [...]
Working for a living against religion, says pharmacist
PAY GRADE, Jobsworth, Monday (NTN) — A Lloyd's pharmacist has complained of being expected to fill prescriptions brought in by paying customers, as actually working at work is against her spiritual beliefs. The pharmacist, Brenda Busybody, 53 (IQ), of East Cheam, is a Bri-Tish, a group who believe that members should show up at places of [...]
Daily Mail causes, cures cancer
GOLDACRE, Moron Piers, Thursday (NTN) — Taking the Daily Mail once a day, one million times the dose recommended by sensible physicians, will both induce and clear up cancer, a groundbreaking study by the Press Complaints Council has shown. The latest dramatic results came from a 30-year project tracking the health of 2.2 million [...]
Scotland to make cigarettes way cooler and sexier
MARLBOROSPOTTING, Leith Central Station, Thursday (NTN) — The Scottish Parliament has passed tough new tobacco laws that will make Scotland a world leader in smoking as forbidden pleasurable temptation. The Bill bans shops from displaying tobacco products, outlaws cigarette vending machines and introduces a registration system for tobacco [...]
Britain’s first iPhone baby is born
TEMPLE OF STEVE, Click My Button, Monday (NTN) — A woman who was considering IVF treatment has given birth to a baby girl after using an iPhone application to become pregnant. "Yes, there's an app for that too. We're calling her Steve." After four years, Lena Bryce and her husband Dudley had nearly given up hope of having children, until [...]
Now they’re after our butter
FAT CITY, Formerly Pork, Sunday (NTN) — Panic buying and butter riots gripped the nation's dairy cabinets after a proposal by heart surgeon Shyam Kolvekar to ban butter for the sake of public health. "I realise he's probably quite disgusted with having to plunger greasy geysers of chunky lard out of the arteries of bloblike creatures that [...]
Historic “change nothing” health care bill passes
WHAT'S ON THE SLAB, Down In The Lab, Thursday (NTN) — The US Senate has approved landmark legislation that will change nothing about healthcare for tens of millions of uninsured Americans and, of course, the insurance companies. With the Great Recession, millions of Americans out of work means less insured. The bill ensures that insurance [...]
Microsoft Word recalled due to contamination
CENTER FOR UNEASE CONTROL, Seattle, Wednesday (NTN) — A federal court has banned Microsoft Word from sale as a poisonous substance, suspected of causing millions of brain-deaths around the world. Microsoft Office has long been considered potentially hazardous to health, despite advertising claiming that "four out of five CEOs prefer [...]
