‘Health’ Archives
Cameron to destroy the NHS in order to save it
OH FUCK NOT HEALTH, Bullingdon, Monday (NTN) — The Prime Minister, David Cameron, yesterday categorically denied every intention the Conservatives have had toward the NHS for the past sixty-three years. "There will be no privatisation," he declared, "no cherry-picking from private providers." Other Tory dreams he denied included a [...]
Coffee cure found for Daily Mail readership
Scientists from the Karolinska Institute in Stockholm have discovered that five cups of coffee a day can halve the risk of breast cancer in post-menopausal women, and have recommended the practice to the Daily Mail. The study notes that the article the Mail ran was the usual fill-in-the-blanks cancer article, but that subscriptions were [...]
Sex and coffee make strokes “the new cancer”
GOLDACRE, Moron Piers, Friday (NTN) — New results showing strokes could be caused by coffee, sex or blowing your nose were hailed by the tabloid media as the "new cancer." The study on 250 patients identified eight risk factors linked to bleeding on the brain: sex, coffee, nose-blowing, Nick Clegg, Tories, mind-buggering stupidity, the [...]
British girls’ drinking culture just not up to scratch
MISS PRICE'S FINISHING COLLEGE, Essex, Thursday (NTN) — British teenage girls have "the worst binge drinking culture in the Western world" and need better advice on getting smashed with style and elegance. Half of all 15-year-old girls cannot distinguish Merlots per region, while more than a quarter of 16- and 17-year-old girls are unable [...]
Charity pays Tories not to breed
SOMA, Brave New World, Monday (NTN) — Controversial charity Project Prevention is offering cut-addicted Conservatives hundreds of pounds in return for making sure they never breed under any circumstances. Their motto is "stop the problem before it happens." But the system raises fundamental questions about people's — and Tories' [...]
Computers turn children into Satan
PAGE 3, Channel 5, Monday (NTN) — Children spending at least two hours a day in front of a computer monitor have been scientifically proven to turn into rapacious hellspawn, say all newspapers today. Changing visual information, as opposed to safe and reliable newsprint, has been connected to behavioural problems and conformance [...]
NHS budget in parking-led recovery
HOLDING PEN, Knacker's Yard, Sunday (NTN) — The government has carefully balanced the NHS budget using parking fees. "The NHS remains free at the point of contact," said health minister Simon Burns. "But we didn't say anything about getting to the point of contact." In 2009, Labour health secretary Andy Burnham promised to scrap the fees. [...]
Junior doctors inexplicably run screaming from medical hellholes
SHIPMAN TEACHING HOSPITAL, University of Crippen, Monday (NTNHS) — Nearly a quarter of English junior doctors drop out of their NHS training after two years of shovelling twice the shit in half the time with no guidance or funding. The government blamed Europe. The EU Working Time Directive means that junior doctors are no longer free, [...]
NHS Direct to be replaced with Internet chat sessions
OH FUCK NOT HEALTH, It's Grim Up Westminster, Saturday (NTN) — The NHS Direct telephone help service is to be scrapped and replaced with a recorded service, Internet chat sessions and a web page. The 111 helpline, already in place in non-Tory parts of England, has been a "vast success" in cost-cutting, said health secretary Andrew [...]
Women may have 104 hairstyles in a single edition
WELL I NEVER, Wake Me Up Before I Stop Stop, Wednesday (NTN) — University of Metro researchers say that women can have 104 hairstyles in a single reading of a paper on the morning bus or train. The study of 3,000 women, all in the commercially desirable 20-39 office worker demographic, revealed 44 per cent changed their hair because of [...]
