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Apple declares: “OK, we’re evil”

CUPERTINO, Transylvania, Friday — After bricking unlocked iPhones, kicking applications off the iPhone store that might even slightly compete with iTunes in the far future and filing a wave of patents on basic well-known computer science, Apple Inc. today filed a Form 8-K with the Securities and Exchange Commission declaring that it was openly adopting Evil™ as a corporate policy.

Evil Steve Jobs“Fuck it,” said Steve Jobs to an audience of soul-mortgaged thralls, “we’re evil. But our stuff is sooo good. You’ll keep taking our abuse. You love it, you worm. Because our stuff is great. It’s shiny and it’s pretty and it’s cool and it works. It’s not like you’ll go back to a Windows Mobile phone. Ha! Ha!”

Steve Ballmer of Microsoft was incensed at the news. “Our evil is better than anyone’s evil! No-one sweats the details of evil like Microsoft! Where’s your antitrust trial, you polo-necked bozo? We’ve worked hard on our evil! Our Zune’s as evil as an iPod any day! I won’t let my kids use a lesser evil! We’re going to do an ad about that! I’ll be in it! With Jerry Seinfeld! Beat that! Asshole.

“Of course, we’re still not evil,” said Sergey Brin of Google. “You can trust us on this. Every bit of data about you, your life and the house you live in is strictly a secret between you and our marketing department. But, hypothetically, if we were evil, it’s not like you’re going to use Windows Live Search. Ha! Ha! I’m sorry, that’s my ‘spreading good cheer’ laugh. Really.”

5 thoughts on “Apple declares: “OK, we’re evil””

  1. “I’m really torn with Apple. As a user, OS X is my preferred to work on, and I like how their systems are over all very solid, but I think that stability has stemmed from their desire to keep a lot of third party software and hardware developers away from their architecture.

    So on the one hand we have solid machines that push out the little guys (and not so little in some cases), while on the other hand if they allowed anyone and everyone to make products for them maybe we’d end up with just another Windows.”

    apparently you havent looked, apple by default, ships every developer tool you would ever need to create software for OS X right on the install dvd. whereas microsoft wants you to spend 1000′s on additional software package.

    i find a ridiculous amout of open-source for mac’s that i wish i had on pc.

  2. @Justin ,

    Doesn’t Express comes with limitations on redistributing stuff and distributing what you develop?

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