HEY HEY 16K, R: Tape Loading Error, Thursday (NTK) — GCHQ has begun work on a range of uniquely British cyber-weapons to add to Britain’s defensive capability.

“Cyber-Space,” said General Jonathan Shaw, pronouncing the hyphen between the words, “represents conflict without borders. But we can use the finest of British technical pluck to fight off Johnny Cyberforeigner!”

“We need a toolbox of capabilities,” said armed forces minister Nick Harvey. “For instance, we have a truckload of old Psion EPOCs, which are excellent for hand-to-hand combat. We can also demoralise the enemy with talk of what a fantastic OS it has and how their Nokia with Symbian just can’t compare. Then, of course, we drive a truck over them.”

Other research weapons include Sinclair ZX81 ninja stars, BBC Model B boat anchors and more ethically questionable devices such as Amstrad Emailer land mines.

The foreign secretary, William Hague, told a security conference in Munich in February that the Foreign Office had repelled a cyber-attack a month earlier from “a hostile agency. Fortunately, Mesh Computers are now safely in administration and can’t sell us incredibly rubbish white box PCs ever again.”

Harvey did not specify where future threats might come from. “It would be foolish to assume the West can always dictate the pace and direction of this cyber-techno-electrickery-logy-stuff. Thing. I understand there are clever people in the world who don’t even live in Britain. Imagine that!

The cyber-warfare initiative is anticipated to fully achieve its objectives over the next five years, those being a suitably fattened defence budget and continuing contract bungs to BAE Systems.

VICTORIA, Steampunk Britain, Thursday (NNN) — A “wall of steel” Microsoft rocket attack on Google’s London office yesterday caused a small fire from a ruptured gas cylinder, a reminder of the browser and search engine wars and Microsoft’s overwhelming might.

The six-story-tall Microsoft mecha, approaching from the direction of Victoria Station, unleashed an all-out barrage, belching amusing farts of smoke from its Zune HD assault flamethrowers, before halting with an E74 error and collapsing onto the top of the building, where Google employees were enjoying their regular Thursday afternoon barbecue roasting a Snow Leopard on a spit.

Four fire engines and twenty firefighters in hazmat suits were sent out after reports of Vista fumes in the area.

The attack came a day after a Microsoft suicide car bomber killed seven cockroaches and gave himself a papercut when his car computer bluescreened. Microsoft disclaimed responsibility, asserting it was a completely independent suicide commando who only coincidentally happened to be in the pay of their PR agency.

The BBC has reported Microsoft’s complete victory in the battle, with extensive Zune downloads in Silverlight format of the victorious Seattle Revolutionary Army in action.