DOOM, Spawn Camping, Saturday (The Word) — The Lord God, the Creator of the Universe, offered His commiserations to every soul in His Creation that they had failed to reach the standard of faith required for Rapturing today.

Thousands of dedicated Christians were not uplifted bodily to Heaven, in a wave of Rapture circling the globe at six o’clock in the evening local time.

“The Manual is extremely clear on these points,” He said through His Voice, Metatron (“I keep telling you, I’m an angel, not a Transformer”). “You mix fibres, you eat shellfish, you defecate closer than a mile from the city, you sit on a chair that your wife has ever sat on when she was on her period. And you have completely ignored the detailed instructions in the first chapter of Leviticus on how the Lord likes His barbecue.” It shook Its head in exasperation. “You’ve had the Book right there, for years!”

Atheists, originally revelling in snide and superior schadenfreude, were more than a little chagrined by the actual Voice of God quite unambiguously revealing Its existence and telling the world what it had got wrong by direct communication into the soul of every human on Earth. Millions have now signed up for the Church of Reluctantly Conceding, All Right, I Have the Verifiable Proof I was Asking For, Just Don’t Get Cocky About It, Okay.

“Never mind,” sighed Metatron. “We’ll give it another go next December, all right? Just please read the blessed Manual by then. It’s not like it’s hard to get a copy.”