Scientists from the Karolinska Institute in Stockholm have discovered that five cups of coffee a day can halve the risk of breast cancer in post-menopausal women, and have recommended the practice to the Daily Mail.

The study notes that the article the Mail ran was the usual fill-in-the-blanks cancer article, but that subscriptions were dropping off at a most gratifying rate, most from heart attacks, several from the strokes the Mail had written about coffee causing a few days earlier, and a few from spouting random rambling bigotry so fast their dentures melted.

People whose parents not only read the Mail but talk about it were shown to have a 57 per cent reduced risk of developing aneurysms from an excess of poisonous wretchedness.

Study co-author Per Hal has noted there is often conflicting information about the beneficial health effects of coffee. “However, the nagging old bat upstairs who gets her Daily Mail flown in every day and condemns me as a ‘foreigner’ and asks why I speak English with such a funny accent has been remarkably quiet of late. I wonder why that is. Not very hard, though.”