CASHIER’S DESK, California Senate, Saturday (NTN) — The associations listed on this letter are writing to strongly oppose California Senate Bill 761. It would create an unnecessary, unenforceable and unconstitutional regulatory burden, as our products could get uppity and want “privacy.”

The measure would negatively affect products who have come to expect fun browser games and free services through the Internet, at the mere price of their DNA and that of their first-born. Additionally, it would make them more vulnerable to security threats. (We thought we’d throw that one in even though we have no idea how that would work.)

California law already provides a number of significant privacy protections for products to protect their sensitive personal information, at least on the books even if they can’t use them against us.

Products can easily opt out of the collection of data. The four leading Internet browsers all provide user-friendly filtering options that block the ability of companies to collect data or track products’ Internet use, even though that’s a complete red herring since we keep all the good stuff on our servers and sell it to each other.

The bill would harm California’s Internet economy and innovation, which absolutely relies on the business model of “1. Brutally sodomise products’ personal privacy; 2. Sell ads.” We also vaguely threaten to fire everyone we employ, just as if we don’t have ridiculously profitable businesses already and can easily afford to employ everyone we have work for.

The bill gratuitously singles out advertising companies for special regulation, just because we deal in egregious violations daily. We think you should look to the video game companies too. Opt-in consent is not a viable compliance route for most tracking models, as we know damn well the products wouldn’t give us the serial codes to their souls if we actually asked them.

The bill has recently become even more extreme, imposing a free-standing flat ban on any covered entity sharing or transferring any covered information, for any purpose at all. This provision is clearly bin Laden-inspired communism and must be removed. Our selling each other the data is, of course, free enterprise as the Founders intended. We might as well just shut down Google tomorrow! Really! We’ll find ONE MILLION PEOPLE WHO HATE THIS BILL ON FACEBOOK. See if we don’t.