THE NINTH CIRCLE, Dibley, Saturday (TNN) — The Last Supper happened “in an unknown cosmic dimension, probably on a Wednesday,” says a professor of a subject that has nothing to do with theology, history or archaeology but does involve inhalation of heavy metal fumes.

Professor Colin Humphreys of Cambridge University says discrepancies in the Gospels of Matthew, Mark and Luke as compared with John arose because they used an older calendar than the official Jewish one. Also, that they were provably written decades after the purported fact and it would be amazing if they had any relation whatsoever to reality, let alone each other.

In his new GeoCities website PDF The Mystery Of The Last Supper: In Space!!, the metallurgist and materials scientist uses Biblical, historical and astronomical research to address the fundamental inconsistencies in his own head about the event.

“While Matthew, Mark and Luke say the Last Supper coincided with the start of the Jewish festival of Passover, John claims it took place before Passover. Furthermore, Jesus’ arrest, interrogation and separate trials could not all have taken place on one night only. This has puzzled Biblical scholars for centuries, or at least the ones who don’t know anything about Biblical scholarship.

“This could be explained by the canonical gospels being just four of about twenty allegorlcal narratives written a century later, but, as I explain in my book, it is much more likely to be due to a visiting Cylon battle cruiser beaming down Scotty in the TARDIS.

“I have concluded from my studies that the date this all occurred was 1 April AD33, which my materials science colleagues find amusing for some reason.”

Prof Humphreys will be releasing the second part of his revelatory work “as soon as I get another barrel of green ink in.”