MISSILE COMMAND, South Bank, Monday (NTN) — A new generation of sophisticated “cyber terrorists” are to be blamed for the imminent failure of the London 2012 Olympics.

Although the Coalition’s National Security Strategy identifies climate change, population growth, the rise of al-Qaeda and the return of Northern Ireland-based terrorism as significant problems, the document focuses on the most important threat to Britain: attacks on the economic interests of Conservative party backers.

The terrorists, hypothesised to be Internet fundamentalists devoted to copying MP3s, deriding software patents, editing Wikipedia and turning British athletic prowess into nanotechnological dust, will use artificial intelligence to hack into the ZX Spectrum that runs Boris Johnson and replace him with a slightly larger shell script.

A large-scale conventional military attack on the UK is rated only as a “tier three” priority alongside disruption to oil and gas supplies and a large-scale radioactive release from a civil nuclear site. “File sharing. That’s how they’ll destroy us all. Don’t say you weren’t warned! ACS:Law and the Ministry of Sound are just the first shots!”

The 8% cut in the defence budget will be patched with an additional £500m of spending on “all things ‘cyber,'” focused on the very finest snake oil that the party’s very dearest friends can sell.

In a joint foreword to the strategy, Prime Minister David Cameron and Deputy Cameron Nick Clegg said that there needs to be a “radical transformation” in British national security. “We are entering an age of uncertainty. This strategy should nicely put the wind up voters in time for the alternative vote referendum. Strangely enough, we both think we can get our way. This proves the deep agreement at the heart of the Coalition. Nick thinks so too, I’m sure he would if I asked him.”