THE SEVENTH PERFORMING SEAL, London SW1A 0AA, Tuesday (NTN) — The Queen has booked eighties revival alternative comedy act Dave Cameron to entertain the populace with nostalgia for yesteryear, with special guest Nick Clegg as slapstick fall guy.

“Torygeddon Lite” opens tomorrow at 10 Downing Street, bringing you an authentic cheap imitation of those wonderful days of the 1980s that made Britain what it is today:

• A general atmosphere of doom and futility producing SLIGHTLY BETTER punk rock, though without the promise of flaming nuclear death at any moment. “Obama just isn’t up for that sort of thing, though we’ll see what Mrs Palin can do.”
• SOMEWHAT ANNOYED MINERS, now working in call centres, doing protest reenactments for old times’ sake.
• ECONOMIC OBLIVION for the unemployed as, er, things continue as they already were.
• Use of the ROYAL WE when talking to Her Majesty. “That’s me and Gideon. I mean, Nick!” (canned laughter)
• The STYLE COUNCIL to reform.
• BAD VEGETARIAN FOOD and AWFUL SANDALS courtesy Nick and his wacky cohort of friends.
• OIL has just been discovered in the Falklands. “Muwaaahahahaha.”

“We’re making Paddy Ashdown defence secretary, so he can just go over and beat the living fuck out of the Taliban personally. I’ve also promised Nick I’ll proportionally represent him in the morning, and not just first-past-the-post, roll over and fall asleep.

“Furthermore, we absolutely promise to discontinue the previous act’s ID card infrastructure and Digital Economy Act,” said Mr Cameron, “just as soon as they’re no longer convenient to us. Cross my heart and call a commission of inquiry.”