SOFT SQUARE, Suburban Bedroom, Friday (NTN) — An impossibly uninteresting stretch of ring road in Derby is to be named after a 3D computer animation with ludicrously-rendered breasts.

The new stretch from Osmaston Road to Burton Road will be named after the aristocrat and archaeologist Lara Croft from Tomb Raider, who Toby Gard of Core Design in Derby created by taking an already anatomically-dubious rendering of Neneh Cherry as Tank Girl and then “accidentally” increasing the breasts by 150%, before giggling nasally and nipping off to the bogs to masturbate himself raw.

“Lara Croft was created in Derby,” said councillor Lucy Care, cribbing from Wikipedia, “and deserves to stand with other famous icons of Derby, such as, er, I’ll get back to you.”

89% of automated poll-spamming bots run by fat, unloved, misogynistic and somewhat cat-piss-smelling gamers around the world voted for the name, immortalising Lara Croft in the form of a monument to commuter frustration and carbon monoxide inhalation over wasted hours of human life, dripping away second by second, to taunt the mostly middle-aged males stuck in said traffic with the prospect of perfect, bouncy, computer-generated jubblies, free of any defect or actual personality to get in the way. Then some idiot in a BMW nearly sideswipes you.

“Oh!” said Cllr Care, “Derby County didn’t get relegated from the second first division to the third first division last year! That’s pretty good, isn’t it? Hold on, I’ll keep looking.”

“No, actually, Derby County are shit,” said a councillor for Swansea. “We kicked their arses 1-0 last weekend. And we’re going to have an Internet poll to name our new bypass offramp AOL Blockage, Slashdot Chicane, Numa Numa Nook, Goatse Gap or Tubgirl Pass. And cachau bant ti cachu mes, as we say to the tourists from Derby looking for local colour.”