GOLDACRE, Moron Piers, Thursday (NTN) — Taking the Daily Mail once a day, one million times the dose recommended by sensible physicians, will both induce and clear up cancer, a groundbreaking study by the Press Complaints Council has shown.

The latest dramatic results came from a 30-year project tracking the health of 2.2 million allegedly human subjects. Those who took two to five Daily Mails a week were far less likely to die from brain cancer due to the organ shutting down entirely under the strain. The carcinogen content of the output from the brain in question, however, “went through the roof.”

Using standard medical techniques of “psychic journalism,” Dr Paul Dacre found a marked increase in sensitivity to odious waffle, causing one’s DNA to unravel in sheer horror at the content. In some cases the advertisers also fall away, dropping to zero in the most severe and damaging examples.

The PCC noted that this was entirely due to the presence of gay Muslim asylum-seeking Polish terrorists, destroying house prices by eating swans.

Taking the Daily Mail on six or seven days cut the risk of death by 64 per cent, but only from the neck down.

Previous research suggested that the Daily Mail can protect against bowel cancer by ensuring a continuous and powerful flow through the organs in question and out the mouth.