THE WINTER PALACE, On The Skids, Wednesday (NTN) — The identity card trial in Manchester has announced “stunning success,” with almost 1300 of the three million people in Greater Manchester having applied. Also, tractor production is up 500 per cent.

The number works out to 43 applicants per day for the new identity card, guaranteed to be a completely functional replacement for the standard British passport except the bit where any other country accepts it as one and an ironclad proof of age except if you want to have a barman actually know what the hell it is and not think it’s something you printed at home. Advertising the new card cost only £500,000, just £385 for each applicant. The number of applicants closely correlated with the number of Home Office staff working in the Greater Manchester area.

The process is modeled on the online application system for a standard passport, in which you fill in the information on a web page, the office prints out the information on a filled-in form, then post it to you, then you sign it and send it back. “Obviously that’s far too straightforward, I mean, prone to fraud,” said junior Home Office minister Meg Hillier. “We need a few more steps in there. And the concomitant staff.”

Mrs Hillier said that 439,000 Mancunians had applied for standard passports in the same time period, though she could not offer a breakdown of numbers per area of Manchester, as that would require being able to keep track of the addresses of passport applicants. “Deadly secret,” she said, tapping her nose. “Data protection. If I told you I’d have to bore you to death.”