Having nothing to actually report, we asked NewsTechnica’s editorial team to reach deep into their crystal balls to fill space blathering about the year ahead. What they found will shock and appall you.

1. The holographic DVD gives you 2000-line super-high-definition images and seventeen hours of video, or eight Libraries of Congress, on each five-inch silver disc. All movies come with a copy of the Library of Congress just thrown in, because they can. Throw away your thousands of horrible, obsolete old Blu-Rays! The new discs are DRM-locked to your retina for the protection of the artists. Piracy detected during the scanning is dealt with by blinding the pirate. But the quality is so incredibly amazing that everyone repurchases their movie collection at twice the price and no-one bothers with YouTube ever again.

2. Super-High-Definition Television presents you Katie Price’s individual nostril hairs and perked-up nipples in 2000-line 3D as she chows down on a kangaroo’s anus. Sky offers to block such images from your television for a small surcharge.

3. The old media giants work out the secret of business success on the Internet: be blatant, unrepentant, sperm-burping syphilitic gutter whores and proud of it, as has worked so well for the tech press over the past decade. The New York Times sells sponsorship for individual editorial paragraphs.

4. Microsoft Windows 8 fixes all the problems with that icky old Windows 7. It has a database file system! And no virus problems! And a cute fish on the desktop! XP is discontinued in 2011, for sure, definitely. Someone accidentally looks for something with Bing.

5. Google continues to be the quintessence of not evil. The new services you can gain access to by giving a DNA sample for their targeted advertising department to analyse are completely optional and the DNA remains entirely your property.

6. Linux runs your television, microwave, toaster, car, camera, phone, garage door opener and dildo, but geeks still fail to comprehend why you want a Macintosh for the computer you actually use in front of you.

7. People who get laid already get laid more by using the Internet. You keep reading 4chan.

8. A device to reach through the Internet and slap people for being bloody idiots will, despite massive customer demand, still fail to be invented.

9. Record companies rebound as blogcore, the older brother of MySpace indie, is declared a creeping plague and sufferers are quarantined away from their keyboards, though Neutral Milk Hotel outbreaks are reported treatable with Zovirax. Lady Gaga announces a hostile takeover of Ticketmaster and Live Nation and forces Madonna’s back catalogue to be rereleased with all vocals autotuned. Several new audio formats with ridiculously higher quality than MP3 are introduced, none gaining any significant following. Apple continues to sell the only MP3 players anyone actually wants.

10. Earth President Barack Obama introduces a bill to subsidise the realisation of the great American Dream, the flying car, with a set of jet packs for the whole family. The bill is filibustered by Republicans hotly maintaining that to leave the surface of the earth is a heretical defiance of Our Lord that can only lead to socialised flying car death panels staffed by climate change Muslims. The Democrats back down on the plans, having been convinced by the behaviour of the Teabaggers that too much of humanity is too damn stupid to be trusted with any technology more complicated than scissors. Rounded plastic ones.

     

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