CELEBRITY GOSSIP, Smile for the CAMRA, Sunday (NNN) — The number of women binge-drinking real ale has doubled in the past year to almost one in three, says the Campaign for Real Ale.

Z-list celebrities are regularly photographed in the London Lite supping a “pint,” little finger extended, a different beer each drink, discussing the shades of flavour in each beer, the state of network engineering at the BBC, their favourite computer programming languages and the latest gossip about Wikipedia editors, until their breasts accidentally fall out of their dresses and they start a drunken catfight over their favourite Terry Pratchett novel, at which point they start an extended discussion with the nearest paparazzo about his precise lens and camera settings.

Most of those trying real ale in the past year said it was brewed locally, and also thrown up again locally, if not directly recycled into Foster’s.

Almost 12,000 women were convicted for drink driving in 2007, with 2009 figures expected to mostly be on bicycles. Road safety experts blamed the so-called “spodette culture,” of women being loud, drunken, brawling, uncouth and foul-mouthed, usually concerning what one said about the other’s Perl code.

The newfound popularity of ale-drinking has extended to the City banking industry. “When you’re working and socialising with these people,” said one female trader, “it’s easy to slip into their lifestyle. I went with the guys to strip clubs and bars, spraying bottles of Tokyo* 18% stout around to celebrate a big deal. Being blonde and female I took my fair share of stick, but sometimes it’s in your favour to be underestimated. Think I can’t tell how long the Bodgett’s Wyrd Brew has been in the barrel? Fuck off!”

The government has started a new series of advertisements against binge ale drinking, warning of the dangers of drunk texting, drunk Facebooking, drunk Wikipedia editing and drunkenly falling pregnant to that cuddly middle-aged Star Trek enthusiast who lives with his parents. And is pathetically devoted to you ever since. And is paid a fortune as a system administrator. So probably not completely awful on balance, then.