“Save Vista” campaign gathers momentum

LONGHORN RANCH, Glue Factory, Monday (NNGadget) — With the release of Windows 7 set for October 23rd, Microsoft marketing marketer Richard Francis has said computer manufacturers may not be able to ship Vista once Windows 7 is available.

BTI Explosive Breaching Free-Standing DoorOutrage at the news was rapid. Microsoft quickly backtracked, claiming Vista would remain available until at least 2011 (“we kept 98 support up for 18 months when XP was out”), but customers were not mollified by promises that Windows 7 buyers would be allowed to downgrade (“we call it an upgrade”) to Vista.

A “Save Vista” campaign has been organised by InfoWorld. “We detected a deep anxiety over Vista among technologists and consumers alike,” said editor Galen Gruman. “We decided to do something about it, launching a petition drive to ask Microsoft to keep selling Vista after the planned October 23 end-of-sales date.” The petition has already gathered over ten signatures. “‘Seven’ is just sucking up to latté sippers. Like Hummer, like Chrysler, like Edsel, Vista is a great American name that shows the might of full-sized American industrial production. It’s a monument to everything that makes us the country we are.”

“Save Vista” latest signatories
• L. Torvalds Portland
• S. Jobs Cupertino
• M. Shuttleworth London

“My computer business employs 200 people,” said M. Shuttleworth of London. “The best possible thing for it is to make sure Vista continues and goes forward.”

“Just how long was extended support for Microsoft’s greatest success ever, Windows ME?” said Gruman. “Microsoft talks about Windows 98 as being succeeded by XP — just as if ME never existed! ME’s many, many fans will be outraged at such an omission, and we’re afraid they’ll treat Vista, Microsoft’s second-greatest success ever, the same way.

“And how about extended support for Microsoft’s third-greatest success ever, Microsoft Bob? By the wife of the founder, no less! I think we should be told.”

Newspapers to go behind paywall

HOLD THE PRESSES, Daily Asteroid, After The News (NNN) — Hearst newspapers will be holding back content from their papers’ free websites, instead charging for some digital news and information. “We are fully confident that both readers and Google will come to the party and give us money,” said Hearst president Steven Swartz, “and not just laugh and ignore us henceforth.”

Dewey defeats TrumanNewspapers plan to fight back against the avaricious parasitism of Google in telling people where to find content the newspapers had put up on the Web for free with a new e-book reader, a variant on the Amazon Kindle. “For only $300, readers can read DRM-locked down versions of our content that they’re paying a subscription for on top. We can’t see how this could possibly fail to work.”

Murdoch’s Wall Street Journal has been notably successful in selling valuable original financial reporting that cannot be obtained anywhere else. “So there’s no reason people won’t pay for recycled Associated Press feeds, the latest on Britney and Paris, corporate-backed op-eds, funny cat stories and pretence at holding the government’s feet to the fire.”

Hearst also advocates new advertising and revenue models. “The technical press on the Web shows the way forward: blatant and obvious gutter-slut crack-whoredom. Subtlety doesn’t pay the bills any more — we must enthusiastically welcome the corporate cock into our throats and rectums. Also, I’d like to mention that everyone should use the Windows 7 beta. HLAGH HLAGH HLAGH,” added Mr Swartz, wiping off his chin.

Get daily email alerts of new NewsTechnica!

Twitter twavels twemendous twaumas to “twubs”

666 FOLLOWING, 0 Followers, Thursday (NNGadget) — Users of the inane antisocial networking, bodily function documentation and terrorist tool Twitter can now index their spurious 140-character babbling with “twubs,” Wikipedia-style “hub” pages for Twitter “hashtags.” The “hashtags” are made from a Class C controlled substance and induce lethargy, overeating and carpentry.

Osama bin MobyTwitter “hacktivist” Ravenwoo Granola commended the advent of “twubs.” “Hash in tags is a fantastically effective way to keep track of swine flu, airport demonstrations and police brutality. I can get activists, or ‘tweeple,’ into action at a moment’s notice. In an hour or two,” she said, picking up a bong made from an at-sign. “I’m pretty mellow here.”

Users can exchange cool Twitter user names on “Twee Exchange.” I wish I were making this up.

“Trapped in a lift again,” said Stephen Fry. “Scottish ‘food’ vendors find way to deep-fry swine flu snot, Scots expected to be extinct in six weeks,” said Warren Ellis.

Other popular indexing tools for Twitter posts are “twonks,” “twats” and “turds.” The Twitter posting software includes “Tweep,” “Twinkle,” “Twiddle,” “Twidiocy,” “Twurgid” and “Twasturbator.” Twitter users now gather in “twibes.” Regular Twitter users are known as “twunts.”