GIRLS GONE BALD, Debbie Does Dialysis, Monday (NNN) — Two thirds of people have not changed their diet or lifestyle to reduce the risk of cancer, a Newsnight poll has found.

One cancer expert said new ways were needed to convey health messages. “Fifteen percent ‘hardly ever think about’ cancer,” said Professor Karol Sikora of Cancer Partners UK. “This doesn’t bode at all well for the cancer or media industries.”

Cancer marketing has used the “saturation” approach for many years, where people’s morning paper tells them that eating more, eating less, eating chips, eating fruit, eating at all, drinking tap water, HPV vaccines, lack of HPV vaccines, sunlight, lack of sunlight or thinking too much about cancer all increase the risk of cancer, illustrated with a Page 3 spread of Luscious Lucy, 19, of Sheppey, conducting a self-examination of Kylie Minogue’s bottom in closeup.

Innovative approaches that were directly relevant to people’s lives may prove more effective. “It’s amazing how much of a difference Jade Goody made to cervical screening. We need to find more previously disliked celebrities to sacrifice.”

A spokesperson for the Department of Health said government policies had contributed to a fall in smoking rates, almost compensating for deaths at the hands of crazed smokers desperately nic-fitting.