THE MEMORY HOLE, Westminster, Tuesday (NNGadget) — The Home Office has announced new security measures for identity cards.

“The biometrics, chip and PIN, RFID transponder, fingerprint-reader, real-time spectroscopic DNA analyser and two-way radio that demands ‘papers please!’ in a cod-German accent inexplicably failed to completely eliminate identity fraud or stop terrorism,” said Home Secretary For Life Jacqui Smith, “so we’re getting back to the basics of PFI-funded governmental identity management: magic beans, pixie dust and snake oil. EDS Capita Goatse’s experience in these areas is unparalleled.”

Identification procedures have duly been enhanced. Magic beans are squashed into the paper driving licence, producing a pixie-dust effect when inspected by the police. Day-to-day purchases are made smoother by the snake oil, with the pixie-dust glow authenticating the transaction. Frequenters of brothels will be able to require the prostitute to wave her identity card at them and be reassured by the pixie-dust glitter certifying her bona fides as a legal resident.

The requirements for getting a bank account — a retinal scan, hair clippings, 250 millilitres of blood and three documents for every address change since twenty years before your birth — remain unchanged.

The new identity card weighs thirty-five kilograms. All UK residents must carry it everywhere at all times and produce it on demand of council bin inspectors or any higher official.