JOBSTOWN, Cupertino, Saturday (NNGadget) — Apple has announced its new iPod Shuffle, the smallest yet. The new Shuffle offers more storage, better sound, a talking interface (“the first talking interface on an MP3 player! Except Rockbox, but only freetards use that and they don’t count”) and superior abilities to pick up chicks.

Controversy has surrounded the new hardware requirements for the Shuffle, including new Apple-branded headphones, Apple-branded music and surgical attachment of the device to one’s genital region. “Total quality control,” said Steve Jobs. “All competitors are inferior by definition and will be crushed.”

Apple fan blogs were unanimous in their praise of the “iButtPlug” installation procedure. The hardware lock-in was a brilliant business move on Apple’s part, the best possible thing for the consumer and a moral and ethical requirement to sell MP3 players at all, wrote Daniel Eran Dilger on RoughlyDrafted. He also intimated that all negative press on the matter was yet more Microsoft astroturf and vaporware.

Microsoft countered with a preannouncement of its new Zune LP player, which works with 9.5″ vinyl discs manufactured with the PlaysYouBetcha!™ process and a cubic zirconia stylus.

“There’s no such things as Zunes,” laughed Jobs. “They’re a fairy tale we invented to get young Apple Store employees to behave.”