Monthly Archives: January 2009

Entertainment, Europe

Karl Lagerfeld defends fur industry: ‘beasts’ would kill us if we didn’t kill them

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THE ONLY PLACE TO BE, The Happening Place, Saturday (NNN) — Karl Lagerfeld, CEO of Chanel, said it was “childish” to even discuss the issue of wearing fur in a world where eating meat was normal. “Hunters kill those beasts who would kill us if they could. Mink are the least of it. Badgers, mushrooms, snakes … their malice is famed.”

Monty Python’s killer rabbitHe admitted to being queasy about eating meat. “But I do it because of how much I hate cows. That innocent-looking Satanic beast, sitting there, chewing its cud, just waiting for its moment. I hated that Yves St Laurent fucker, but not so much I’d kill him, eat his flesh and wear his skin on my back as a trophy. Probably.”

PETA pointed out that “the vast majority of fur these days comes not from hunters as he suggests, but from Chinese fur farms.” Lagerfeld suggested similar farms to produce size zero models. “The size zero issue is insignificant compared to the zillions of fat people. We provide much-needed balance and a good example to provide ambition for young people. In a time of recession, dreams are important. And size zero is so much more attainable now.”

Models saw a chance at publicity by disagreeing with Lagerfeld’s comments, with the new I’d Rather Get In The Papers For Having My Tits And Arse On Show Than Wear Fur, Until Next Season Anyway campaign.

Finance, Technology, United States

Microsoft calls for government bailout

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SKID ROW, Redmond, Friday (NNN) — Microsoft Corporation is headed for swingeing layoffs in mid-January after the failure of its stock buyback program, and has called for a government bailout in the face of the credit crunch.

Bill Gates, Satellite Bum“Vastly popular operating systems like Vista just aren’t selling,” said marketing marketer emeritus Bill Gates, “and it’s all because people aren’t confident to spend their money. In fact, they didn’t start buying it in 2007 because they were expecting this even then. A subsidy to buy good, honest American computer operating systems is essential to the health of the economy, or my part of it.”

Should the Big One of American virtual office supplies fail, economists predict that it could free up millions of dollars in business spending and provide a devastating boost to an economy reeling from the impact of the credit crunch.

Hiring in most Microsoft divisions has frozen in the last six months and 30GB Zunes are already on suicide watch. “The workload’s impossible to keep up with,” said blog technical evangelist Gary M. Stewart. “I’ve even been answering Slashdot comments on Boycott Novell. It’s impossible to keep track of! Anyway, you’re just another Twitter sockpuppet. Or Mini-Microsoft. Admit it.”

Additional bailouts have been hooked on the bill as riders for HD-DVD, eight-track cartridges, 78rpm gramophones and Babbage analytical engine gear manufacturers.

Senators have stated they will only bail the company out with a change in top management. “What the shit,” said Linus Torvalds as his draft notice arrived.

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Science, Technology, United Kingdom, United States

Twenty-first century arrives after slight delay

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FEDERATED EARTH, The Future, Now (NNGadget) — After a minor shipping delay, flying cars have arrived for all. As of today, all major cities also feature moving pavements and weather control and commuter flights to the Moon will be commencing tomorrow.

The VJ from The Fifth ElementEarth President-Elect Barack Obama welcomed the representatives of the Galactic Brotherhood to Washington, assuring them that the many wars on Earth were now to be conducted entirely by robots, though the robots would be carefully monitored and pulled out of battle and granted citizenship the moment they achieved sentience. He also offered the galactics free access to Google, with only the requirement for tasteful contextually-attuned text advertising to be imprinted on their DNA.

The reactionary forces of the twentieth-century United States finally conceded defeat and shut down the Five-Year Plan Tractor Plants of Detroit, where ridiculous oversized transport was bashed together by semi-literate peasants between fifths of vodka from the nerve gas factory next door, and the Five-Year Plan Software Plants of Redmond, where ridiculous oversized operating systems were bashed together by semi-numerate fresh graduates between fifths of Red Bull. The record and movie company back catalogues have been placed into the public domain for the preservation of human culture and the comic-book capitalists of Wall Street have been sent to calming, soothing, humanistic re-education facilities. “We’ll teach them to love again,” said Mr Obama.

Robot housecleaners are now universally available at quite reasonable prices. The robot companion for your child, designed to say “I LOVE YOU” while the child hits it repeatedly, was an early release for Christmas 2007. The new model features the voice of Justin Fletcher from CBeebies and is designed for parents to hit repeatedly.

Future innovations for the century include the rise of the Great Old Ones from their eternal sleep to take back the Earth and consume the souls of all humanity, first driving them slowly insane. The citizenry is being prepared for this eventuality using repeated broadcasts of In The Night Garden.

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