MENEZES, Stockwell, Tuesday (NNN) — The British Transport Police has proposed that passengers buying a London train or tube ticket will be deemed to have consented to a public cavity search while their friends point and laugh.

The BTP wants to change the railways’ “conditions of carriage” to close a loophole that means officers at stations have no legal power to search someone for being brown or black in public. “Apparently it’s no longer legally considered ‘reasonable suspicion,'” said Jacqui Smith.

Consent to what would be extreme sadomasochistic practices if we weren’t talking about TSA personnel is already a condition of travel in the United States. Some searchers, such as Big Bertha at Seattle Airport, become tourist attractions.

Additional plans involve requiring all commuters to vote Labour in June’s council elections and consenting to being shot through the head by police marksmen.

The home secretary also wants to introduce orders banning individuals from visiting particular areas or wearing insignia or clothes that signal their allegiances. “We’re particularly worried about this ‘Nike’ gang we’re seeing across London, with its ‘swoosh’ logo depicting a large knife wound. This ‘er-and-bee’ music is also to be restricted.”

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